


Twice Before the Close

by nineandthreequarterrs



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Book 3: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Crack, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Fluff and Angst, Hogwarts Era, M/M, Marauders Friendship, Marauders' Era, Memory, POV Multiple, POV Remus Lupin, Person of Color James Potter, Post-First War with Voldemort, Post-Hogwarts, french sirius, jily, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2018-12-18 17:44:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 61,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11879580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nineandthreequarterrs/pseuds/nineandthreequarterrs
Summary: Twice Before the Close is the story of the lives the marauders lived told through Remus Lupin's memory. This story will follow the marauders through their Hogwarts years and afterwards, until it circles back to where it began, in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My name is Kate (nineandthreequarterrs on tumblr) , and I write onsehots centered around the marauders. This is my first official fanfic. The title is named after the poem "Twice Before the Close" by Emily Dickinson which describes the loss and hope of Remus Lupin's life in the wake of the marauders.

_“My life closed twice before its close;_

_It yet remains to see_

_If Immortality unveil_

_A third event to me,_

_So huge, so hopeless to conceive,_

_As these that twice befell._

_Parting is all we know of heaven,_

_And all we need of hell.”_

 Remus stared at his reflection in the small mirror that was speckled with dirt. If he moved just right, the jagged crack in the mirror would cover the scar that ran across his face, splitting him down the middle. He was old now. There was no denying the slight wrinkles and cracking scars that traced his face. There was no denying the weariness in his eyes. He was only thirty years old, but somewhere between a youth of wonderful chaos and years of sadness, he had aged.

Standing in the small bathroom, he absentmindedly ran his thumb over the handle of the worn leather suitcase that he held in his hand. He let his finger follow the grooves of _Professor R. J. Lupin_ carved on the top years ago. He remembered when he got this suitcase.  He never expected that it would accompany him for the past 12 years, or one day enclose everything he held dear... _Except for one thing…_ Remus cut that thought off as quickly as it came. He would not think of him. Not today. No matter how much his heart bled and his ears rung with the silence of being alone, he would not think of him. He was not laughter, an infectious smile, he was not love, Sirius was anguish, and an ironic emptiness that Remus could do without. He was a traitor. Remus inhaled slowly maintaining bruising eye contact with his reflection, trying to bore these thoughts into his mind. He would not go there. He would not let something as dangerous and harmless as nostalgia tear open the wound he had so carefully stitched up.

He stood there staring at himself in the mirror, willing the tension to uncoil from his arms. The clock ticked by slowly, and Remus waited for the thoughts that had come so suddenly to fade. Breathing in, Remus rested his finger on the indent of the _J_ , and when he had thoroughly calmed his mind, he let the memory of the suitcase rush back to him. Something almost fond with a touch of longing bloomed in his chest.  He willingly let his friend’s faces slip into his mind, he let their laughter, and their words “ _Come on just accept it Moony. We all know that you’re going to become a swot of a teacher someday.”_ come back. Remus remembered the drunken warmth that had washed over him and wished he could forget. He felt the familiar late sting of comfort from something gone and wished he could forget. If he stopped moving, if he thought for too long, his friends laughing faces would steal all the air from his lungs, and leave him with nothing to breathe.

Remus stepped away from the crack in the mirror, and slowly shut the door to the bathroom. He walked slowly towards the front door, the only sound in the cottage was the click of his shoes on the wood floor and his own breath. Remus walked through the empty house and stepped outside onto the street where he stuck his wand out hailing the night bus. For a second, he almost forgot what he carried with him and what would follow him there. The bus appeared with a whoosh and a bang and Remus got on.

The Hogwarts Express glinted sunlight off of its paint and puffed up smoke into the light filtering down from the station's roof. The station was bathed in mid-morning light, and mother’s wrapped their children up against the unusual September chill, kissing their cheeks and repeating casual warnings. Remus smiled slightly at the students he passed and walked across the station to the Express. A group of students clogged the entrance with their attempts to cut in front of each other while simultaneously yelling back at their siblings and parents.

“Stop it! You’re going to hurt Lorenzo!”

A small mousy faced girl pulled her cat out of harm's way as another first-year shoved her lightly to the side. A stout woman, who had the stern face of a mother, spun her head around to reprimand the children and saw Remus patiently waiting to board the train.

“Helen, Oliver, out of the way. Let this man through.” The woman shook her head and smiled knowingly at Remus pulling her children by their arms off the stairwell.

Remus nodded politely and squeezed past the remaining children onto the train.  Chatter echoed out from the compartments at the front, but as Remus reached the back the train, it became quieter and quieter. He walked down the aisle, glancing into the occasionally half full compartment until he reached one that sat empty. Remus reached his hand out to slide open the door, but before his fingers reached the handle, he stopped. The room looked like any other, worn cushions, a speckled window, but the plaque above it read _6977._ The numbers echoed around his head, repeating themselves over and over, before settling into place. This was his compartment. It was the same one he had taken on the first day of school, and the same one he had taken on the last. Remus’ breath hitched, and he pulled the door open.

The engine outside chugged methodically, and he rested his head against the seat a new feeling seizing his chest. It rested there, not heavily, just present. It felt like a hearing the muffled tune of a song that had been lost for years and now was coming back, the tune choking up in his throat. Remus eyes felt heavy, and although he had woken up hours ago, weariness dragged him down. He sat in the warm even air of the compartment and let the sounds of the outside world, and hum of the train, softly wash over him. He began to feel dreary and light and slowly slip away. Slowly, then all at once, the world went dark.

“Do you think we should wake em’?” Through Remus’ closed eyes he could hear a boy speaking in a Cockney accent.

Another voice disrupted him, and Remus slowly opened his eyes.

“No, Peter, better not… oh, wait, he’s awake.”

Remus looked up at the laughing boy who had spoken last. He had round glasses perched on his face, dark skin,  and a mischievous grin. Remus blinked blearily at him and rubbed his eyes. The boy across from him boldly stuck out a hand.

“Morning, I’m James Potter.”

Remus looked around the compartment to see two more boys sitting nearby. One with a shock of blonde hair, who when he nervously squeaked out “Peter” was obviously the owner of the accent that had spoken before. Remus looked beside him and saw another one sitting ramrod straight for an 11 year old, with strikingly perfect features.  Remus’ eyes rested on him, and when the boy’s grey eyes intensely stared back, Remus remembered to speak.

“Oh… I’m Remus. I suppose you are all first years as well?”

The boy nodded back at him and frowned slightly. It was then that Remus realized, that although he had meant to address everyone, he had been staring at the dark haired boy instead. Remus tore his eyes away to see James grinning back at him.

“That’s Sirius by the way.” 

Remus nodded dumbly, still getting over the bleariness he felt from his nap and managed a weak smile.

“Why were you sleeping?”

“Err… I- I just didn’t sleep well last night.”

The words tumbled out of Remus’ mouth haltingly, and he turned his head to the side to see Sirius still watching him. James and Peter nodded politely, and the compartment momentarily lapsed into silence. A voice with an aristocratic lilt spoke beside him.

 “What happened to your face?”

Remus jerked his head around and Sirius stared back at him his eyes narrowed slightly and a smile playing on his lips. James leaned across the compartment to kick Sirius in the shins, and Sirius jolted backward feigning a counterattack while grinning.

“Sorry mate, you don’t have to answer that.”

 James rolled his eyes at Sirius who was still watching Remus. Sirius stared intently with quiet curiosity, and when Remus caught his eye his stomach flipped.

“No, err, it’s okay”

Remus paused,  touching the long red scar that stretched from his right eye to his cheek, his heart pounding in his chest, as he fought to come up with something to say, “I was attacked by an… animal when I was younger. That’s why I have scars.”

Remus dropped his eyes and played with the leather strap on his bag, desperately hoping that the other boys would accept this answer without question. Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but James’ foot came down on his, hard this time, and he only emitted a small sound of protest. There was a beat of awkward silence that Peter finally broke.

“Sorry mate.”

Remus nodded and turned to look out the window. The compartment relapsed into tense silence aside from James’ soft chewing. The only person who didn’t seem uncomfortable was Sirius. Remus opened his mouth to say something but closed it again realizing that it was no use. No matter what he said now to try to appear cool, he was forever marked as the weird boy covered in scars. Remus sighed, and he felt a sinking disappointment in himself for hoping for anything different.

Much to Remus’ surprise, James continued on cheerfully, as if the stranger in front of him _hadn’t_ just revealed something incredibly personal.

“So what house do you think you’ll be in? I’m going to be Gryffindor. My whole family has been.”

Peter looked at James.

“If your family was in a certain house does that mean you will too?”

James nodded in response and popped the rest of the chocolate into his mouth.

“So that means you’ll be in Slytherin then?” Peter asked, turning to Sirius.

Sirius’ grey eyes turned cold, and he slowly put down the chocolate he had been unwrapping, on the tray in front of him.

“No” The words came out venomous, “ I’m nothing like my family. I’d rather leave Hogwarts than be in Slytherin with my cousins. I’m going to be a Gryffindor like James.”

Peter nodded quickly and looked away, picking at the threads of his sweater.

“That’s a lad! Gryffindor is the best house after all.”

James grinned, seeming not to have noticed the sudden strain in the air. Peter remained silent and now had his eyes fixed anywhere but Sirius.

“Where will you be Remus?”

Remus heard Sirius’ voice speak again, this time much more friendly.

“I’m not sure. No one really knows until they’re sorted. My dad was a Ravenclaw, and I like to read and stuff, so I probably will be too.”

“Well for what it’s worth, I hope you’re Gryffindor.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Remus smiled to himself and leaned his head against the foggy window, as the boys went back to talking among themselves. He felt the nerves that had sickened him the moment he stepped on the train and wracked him into a fitful sleep, fade away.

“Ravenclaws are good too I suppose. They’re fairly nice blokes, and I’m sure they can help with assignments in a pinch…” James continued to ramble seemingly unaware of anyone else. Remus wondered how James could feign such knowledge having never been to Hogwarts. James turned to Peter.

“What about you Pete?”

Peter shrugged and continued to pick apart the hem of his sleeve. James leaned forward across the red cushions holding one hand to his temple, and waving the other back and forth in front of Peter’s face. He screwed up his face in faux mysticism and took in a deep breath.

“I predict… that you will be… a Hufflepuff! No! A Gryffindor” James waved himself back and forth dramatically as the boys laughed at him, and dropped back onto the seat, “The seer has spoken” his hand shot up from the cushions and Peter sat before him laughing and red-faced with the new attention.

“Wait, wait, my turn now” Sirius was grinning with a smile that seemed to transform him from the person he had been seconds ago.

James sat up and propped himself up on his elbows stretching across Peter and Remus to lean closer to Sirius.

“Hmm..” Sirius was inches away from James and had a serious searching look in his eyes “You’re… oh my god… you’re” the compartment sat with bated breath as Sirius slowly paused, “You’re an idiot”.

James flung an arm around Sirius’ neck and wrestled him into the seat, and Remus turned away laughing, occasionally catching a stray foot or insult from the other two. He sat smiling to himself, but couldn’t help but feel out of place. It was like he was watching a play, it was something that made him laugh, but he was acutely aware that it was not something he was not a part of. Remus picked at the beds of his fingernails and turned to Peter to try to quell the awkwardness he felt.

“So” he nodded towards James and Sirius who were now in a heated game of rock paper scissors, “are they best friends or something?”

If it hadn’t been for James’ dark skin and Sirius’ chiseled appearance, he would have assumed they were brothers. Peter shook his head busy folding a piece of paper in his lap.

“No, they just met on the train. James was here first, and Sirius came to sit with him to escape his family” he looked at Remus and shrugged, “I guess he doesn’t like them too much. Anyways I sat with them after they had met, but I thought that they already knew each other too. Apparently not though, I guess great minds just think alike.” 

Peter nodded with raised eyebrows to Sirius and James, who were both now trying to pelt each other with Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans.

Sirius’ long fingers wound his black hair into a small ponytail at the base of his neck, and Remus watched intently, before frowning and turning away.

“So, Remus, where are you from?” Sirius leaned casually beside him, stretching his legs out until the soles of his shoes almost hit Remus’ thighs.

“Oh, well I live in Leicester, but I was born in Ireland. We moved away when I was five.”

“Ohhh Irish, I see matey,” James said in a mock Irish accent.

“Oy, he’s Irish, not a bloody pirate” Sirius rolled his eyes at James’ who was now pretending to play the bagpipes.

Remus laughed “Yeah also they don’t play the bagpipes in Ireland. Just Scotland”.

James shrugged and continued on until Sirius threw a pumpkin pasty at him. Remus allowed the rest of the ride to pass in comfortable silence as the boys chattered around him occasionally throwing a question his way. He sat with his curls and cheek smushed against the cold glass and watched the towns turn to the countryside, and the countryside turn to thick forests and jagged cliffs.

An hour later the train pulled into the station letting out one last puff of air from the smokestack. The boys shuffled around each other to grab their various luggage, and Remus was surprised when James grabbed his arm to lead him out of the train, as Remus tried to quietly slip away.

“Where are you going?”

Remus wasn’t sure how to tell James that he wasn’t supposed to do this. He opened his mouth to speak, to tell him that he was dangerous, that his father had told him not to make friends. Remus stared back at James with a lump in his throat, grasping for the words to describe how much of a freak he was. Before any excuse could slip from his mouth James smiled warmly and lead him confidently down the aisle. Remus gripped his suitcase and followed.

In the commotion of students and bustling crowd Remus weaved in and out trying to not lose the head of Hagrid the gamekeeper who was supposed to be leading them to the castle. Their bags had been taken long ago, and all that Remus could see was the heads of other students and the black path ahead of them. Suddenly, students swarmed gasping around an unknown sight, and Remus began to push his way forward.  He ran up the hill to keep up and burst through a stray thicket of bushes to be greeted by the sight of the castle rising out of forests and rocky crags. The evening light bathed the spires and glittered off of the vast lake in front of them. It seemed as if the whole world had been painted with the sole purpose of leaving them completely dumbstruck. Peter elbowed him and pointed, and for a second Remus’ worries weren’t with the moon that hung in the sky. He looked at the new world before him and felt a sense of camaraderie with the other first years in his pure anxiousness and excitement. For the first time, Remus thought that his dad might be wrong. Maybe things could be okay. Maybe if he was careful, really really careful, he could have a flicker of normality too. Maybe if he was really lucky, he could even make friends.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How could he possibly hide his scars, his disappearances into the night once a month, or the moon that he was sure glowed in his eyes? If he couldn’t lose himself in a crowd, how was he expected to remain invisible? Remus had blindly walked onto a sinking ship with faith alone. It was only a matter of time until the questions and rumors that would surely come, sunk him entirely. "

The moment Remus stepped into the Great Hall his heart stopped. Calling it a hall seemed like doing the room injustice, it was more like a cavern, with walls so high they seemed to disappear into the sky. The room echoed with golden light shining from thousands of candles suspended in mid air. Remus had a wizard for a father and had seen magic before, but never like this. The ceiling wasn’t cold stone, instead, it was a soft vast black that glittered with an infinite number of stars, and it seemed as if the castle ceiling had been woven by hundreds galaxies and constellations. Remus stood shoulder to shoulder with all of the new students, and just stared. He let the light warm his cheeks and the sight of endless tables laden with gold plates steal his breath. It seemed as if every corner shone with magic, the air hung with soft golden spun light, and compared to the small cottage Remus had grown up in this place was inconceivably grand.

Whispers from other students brushed past Remus’ ears, as he aimlessly walked with the crowd marveling at the sight before him. He couldn’t help but grin and nod to the people beside him as if to concede that they were all really here experiencing the same thing. After a moment of soft gasps of wonder, the crowd stopped in the center of the hall. A woman with grey hair strictly pulled back walked over from the large table that seemed to belong to the teachers, and peered at the students over her glasses.

“Good evening Hogwarts class of 1978-” cheering erupted from the first years, but was quickly quelled by a stern look from the woman “My name is Professor McGonagall, I teach Transfiguration, and I am the Gryffindor head of house.”

A few students besides Remus muttered to each other and glanced around with confusion. Remus stared ahead at with a mixture of vague anxiousness and curiosity.

“Before the feast, and before everyone gets separated into their dormitories, we must first sort you into houses. I will go down the list alphabetically, and when I call your name, you will step forward and be sorted.” Remus looked to his right at the long table stretching across the wall, and briefly made eye contact with an older student, who smiled at him encouragingly.

 “I will place the sorting hat on your head, and when it calls out your house, you will go and sit at the corresponding table.” McGonagall gestured with a thin hand towards the great colored banners that hung over the heads of all four tables, the nearest one being a large yellow embroidered cloth that reads “Hufflepuff” hanging high above the table to their right.

 “In order to divide you into houses we will use the Sorting Hat, and it alone will ensure that you are placed correctly.”

 McGonagall pulled an old leather hat from her robes and held it aloft for the students to see. The hat was tattered and Remus could swear that from the folds of the leather, it almost looked as if it had a mouth. She placed the hat on a short stool, and a few students looked at her as if she had gone mad.

 “This is imperative because you will do almost everything with your houses for your first few years. You will eat with them, study with them, learn with them, and room with them. You will get to know each other very well during your time here. In short, they will be your family.”

Professor McGonagall cleared her throat and unfurled a long piece of parchment in front of her.

“Let us begin.”

Remus’ heart pounded against his ribs, and he felt as if an invisible hand had a steel grip on his windpipe. He stood amongst the sea of students flickering with excitement and felt his body buzz with fear. _“You will do everything with your house. They will be your family.”_  The sentence hummed around his mind, the facade of comfort washed away by the danger that came with it. Dumbledore had told him he would be safe. How could he possibly hide his scars, his disappearances into the night once a month or the moon that he was sure glowed in his eyes? If he couldn’t lose himself in a crowd, how was he expected to remain invisible? He had blindly walked onto a sinking ship with faith alone. It was only a matter of time until the questions and rumors that would surely come, sunk him entirely. Professor McGonagall's voice snapped him back to reality.

“I repeat, Remus, Remus Lupin.”

Remus’ head jerked up and he frantically began to wade his way through the crowd of students all staring at him. He ducked his face hoping that if he diverted his attention he would no longer feel the hundreds of eyes all seemingly burned onto his scar. _Werewolf, werewolf, werewolf, that’s what they’re all thinking. They all know now. It’s so obvious._ Remus pushed his way at last to the front of the silent crowd and tried to breathe as he shuffled his way to the waiting stool. Professor McGonagall gave him a sympathetic smile and placed the hat on his head.

_“Well… look what we have here… I’ve never sorted a werewolf before…”_

 Remus jolted in his seat staring at the waiting audience before him and braced himself for the fallout. A moment of silence passed and no one spoke, only stared back him vacantly and whispered to themselves. In fact, Remus realized, silence was all the other students had heard.

  _Can they hear you?_

 " _No.”_

A second more passed and Remus felt irrational anger swell in his chest.

  _Well, go on then, sort me in Ravenclaw. It’s obvious you were going to anyway. No need for this whole ceremony._

  _“A Ravenclaw?”_ Remus swore the voice - or thought - sounded amused. _“No... No definitely not...  you survive on bravery, not wit, so you better be-”_ The hat bellowed this time, and Remus was sure that the voice  wasn’t in his head “GRYFFINDOR!”

The Gryffindor table clapped loudly, and among the whooping and hollering, Remus saw Sirius sitting there grimacing across the room. _What? Did you expect him to be excited?_ Remus pushed away the disappointed thought and stood up grinning halfheartedly at the all the smiling faces looking up at him. Adjusting his hands in his oversized robes, he walked over to the Gryffindor table and took his place next to a small redheaded girl.

 A few older students clapped his back congratulating him, and Remus accepted with a smile and a small nod, trying not to let his eyes drag over to the boy sitting a few seats down. Suddenly Remus heard a cheerful voice beside him.

“Hi, I’m Lily Evans, and you’re Remus Lupin, right?” The redheaded girl beside him was smiling warmly and Remus couldn’t help but smile back.

“Yeah, I am.”

 “Oh thank god” the girl sighed, “Our moms know each other. They met in Diagon Alley getting school supplies. I’m muggle-born, and I know that your mom’s a muggle, so she told me to watch out for you. I’m completely lost here, I only learned what magic was about a month ago and now there’s all this-” the girl gestured helplessly to the Great Hall “- I guess it’s just nice to have someone that knows both worlds.” 

Remus nodded slowly at the rush of words and Lily’s bright smile. He had been told not to make friends. Why wouldn’t people here leave him alone? After a moment Lily’s smile faded and worry etched her brow.

“Oh, err, yeah I guess it is pretty overwhelming”

Remus answered lamely. Lily took this as a cue to continue talking.

“I’m just nervous I guess. I mean, what if I’m no good? Sev - he’s my friend -” Lily gestured to a nasty looking boy at the Slytherin table, “He said that it doesn’t matter if you’re muggleborn or not, but just look at this place! I obviously have a lot of catching up to do. It’s not just learning spells, it’s an entirely new world, with new laws of physics, and new customs too.”

Lily looked at him brightly, and Remus nodded taking a gulp of warer. She had bright green eyes that seemed to dance when she spoke, and the energy radiating from her felt almost infectious. She smiled at him, and looked at him when she spoke like she was telling him the most important and exciting piece of information he would ever hear. Remus couldn’t help but feel his mood pick up a bit.

“I’m sure you’ll do fine. To be honest, I don’t know much either. I understand basic magic, but at home, we don’t use magic because of my mum. I think a lot of people are in the same situation.”

Lily grinned at him, “I knew you’d understand.”

Remus didn’t ask how she knew.

“Oi! Remus!”

Remus turned his head to see James, a few seats down, sitting next to a now grinning Sirius and Peter. James gestured to the two boys sitting next to him, and nodded at Remus.

“We’re in the same house!”

Lily looked slightly annoyed James, who was now leaning across the table and yelling louder.

“This is great! I told you Gryffindor was the best house! Way better than Slytherin” he scoffed.

Lily whipped her head around and glared at James.

“Like you could possibly know that Potter.”

 James slowly sat back in his seat with a smile he must have thought was flirtatious.

“Hey, redhead, how’d you know my name? Interested in me?”

 Lily’s face went from glowing happiness to a cold sneer in one sentence.

 Excuse me? No, I heard your name called a moment ago. Don’t flatter yourself.”

 Remus sat silently feeling a pang of embarrassment and pity for James. James, however, was completely unaffected, and still yelling across the table.

 “Whatever you say, redhead…”

“My names Lily Evans.”

The words flicked off her tongue with sharpness that seemed impossible coming from the girl Remus had talked to a minute before.

 “Why call you Lily, when I could just call you mine.”

James propped his messy hair on his hand and winked at her. Remus grimaced and raised his eyebrow, and quietly willing James to stop. Lily looked murderous.

Remus looked at Peter who was blushing at James’ audacity and resolutely focused on the food that had appeared in front of them while James and Lily were arguing. After taking a bite of potatoes, Remus looked up and caught Sirius' grin. Suddenly, Remus felt that odd lump in his throat again. He turned back to his food, and desperately kept his eyes on the warped wood of the table in front of him.   

The rest of the meal Remus barely had time to eat. James and Sirius yelled across the table to him while Lily determinedly talked at a rapid pace to keep his attention. The entire feast was a silent battle between the two with Remus in the middle. Remus would have preferred they relinquish him so he could just eat the chicken and gravy on his plate.

Right in the middle of James asking him about his favorite Quidditch team and Lily describing what she thought a dragon would actually look like, Remus felt Professor McGonagall’s hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry to disturb this fascinating brawl you all seem to be having, but it’s about time I give you your dormitories.”

All five of them, and the other first-year students who had been throwing in commentary on the periphery, fell silent.

 “Lily Evans, you will be with Mary Macdonald, Marlene Mckinnon, Emily Bell, and Hestia Jones in dorm room 148, please follow your Head of House up to the dorms. Your bags will be waiting for you.”

Professor McGonagall moved her eyes over to the three boys across from Remus and raised her eyebrows.

“It appears that the three of you and Mr. Lupin will be sharing a dorm. Since you are on the end and we don’t have an even number of students, it will just be the four of you. Room 6977, please follow your Head of House up to the dorms. Your bags will be waiting for you,” She said, nodding at them and moving onto the cluster of students a few seats down.

 Remus distantly heard Sirius whoop and clap James on the back. Panic flooded through Remus. The world faded to background noise and he felt his legs carry him away from the table. He didn’t hear Lily calling his name as he stumbled through the sea of people streaming out of the Great Hall. Remus didn’t take time to marvel at the wonders of the castle, he desperately fought through the crowds of students, past slow prefects, and up the moving staircases, until he had lead himself to dorm 240.

 Remus fumbled with the doorknob and threw his weight against the stuck door practically falling into the room. He stood in the small dark dormitory, and suddenly felt foolish. The room was small and unassuming. It was not a safe haven, and it would not hide him from what he was running from. Remus stepped forward pasts the bunks that sat empty and still, and cracked open the window. He slipped out into the night air and lay himself down on the roof, letting the cool blackness slide across his skin. He leaned against the window and clicked his too large shoes on the slanted stone before him. Remus knew that if a teacher came he would get in trouble. He couldn’t bring himself to care.

 The endless expanse of forest to his left ruffled it’s leaves restlessly against the night breeze, and Remus felt a fearful pang of recklessness as he looked down stories, and stories, and stories, to the grass below him. He was far too high, but he didn’t know where else to run. He no longer had his own room, and this small window had momentarily seemed like an escape.

Remus sighed, his slow breath the only sound against the boundless night, and lay his head back against the wall of the castle. Slowly in the creeping unassuming way tears come, Remus felt his chest constrict and his shoulders shake. He had been promised safety. He had promised himself anonymity. How could he have let himself hope like that? For a second he had truly believed that he could slip through this school in the blissful moment of simplicity he had so long been denied. He had truly believed in a fist tightening, eyes set, conviction, that he would not lose this chance. That he would have something good. Now, not only had he made friends, but they would live with him too. They would enthusiastically ask about his life back home, they would ask about his scars, his “sick” mum, and they would grow concerned. Their concern would turn to suspicion, and their suspicion to rumors. One day the rumors would mutate into truth, and with the truth, their suspicion would transform into roiling hatred. He had been sentenced to exile by carelessness and fate alone.

 Tears smoldered against his cold cheeks, and Remus sat in the quiet of a world up high, and let himself grieve. He had no hope at keeping this secret. _They will know, they will know, the world will know._ Remus opened his eyes to the sky and let the stars shift in and out of focus until they blurred from pinpricks smudges of light. _They will know, and I will lose everything._ Remus let the tears fall and his happiness fade to empty loss for something he had never had. He let the hope he held in his hands fall away. He sat on the outcropping below the window until his hot tears had cooled and the moonlight had burned his skin.

 When he could no longer stand the stillness, Remus cracked open the window and crawled back into the dark room lined with beds, each of them now filled. He quietly slipped into the one that remained vacant, careful not to disturb the three other boys. Slow breathing beside him pulled him out of his reverie and Remus lay there, hands limp at his sides, no longer gripping onto constellations of hope or chances. He let his body empty of the emotions that had chased him all day. As moonlight cut through his curtains and lay across his face Remus wished he was back home. The world gently faded into slipping darkness and a familiar jagged emptiness in Remus’ chest opened up, and lulled him into restless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all liked this chapter! I kind of rushed while writing it, and I hope that doesn't show too much. I also didn't edit that well (whoops). It's a bit less lighthearted, because I feel that last time I didn't properly touch on Remus' lycanthropy. It was really important to me that I portrayed the fear he must of felt all alone, at only 11 years old, away from his parents, in a new school. Anyways at least there's some young Jily there too. Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The halls were quiet as they walked, and the laughter that had bound them together that afternoon had now vanished. They lapsed into silence, and returned to their own thoughts once again, trying not to run over in their minds too many times what their friend might be going through, or let in the thoughts they each were trying to shut out. 
> 
> When they saw that Remus had returned before them, they each smiled and forced their eyes away from the scar that burned across his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhhhh... if you're still reading this fic sorry for being unactive for 46 years

Peter, Sirius, and James lay on James’ bed in silence, minds wandering away from each other. Sunlight filtered in through the slat in the drawn curtains and lay across the bed, and down the center of Peter’s face, like a long thin knife. Peter held his hand up to it, and waved it slowly, in and out of the light, watching the sun bend before settling on the space stretching from his ears to his cheekbone.

 

“Where d’ya think he got all those scars?” Peter asked absentmindedly still twisting his hand in the light.

 

There was a beat of silence as the other boys pondered Peter’s question. None of them had to ask who he meant. 

 

“I don’t know, I mean he said it was an animal attack, but he has scars everywhere. I saw him coming out of the showers once. He’s got them on his back and arms too.  What kind of animal attacks every part of you? Maybe...” James’ voice trailed off and the others looked at him expectantly “maybe his parents are... you know...” 

 

“Abusing him?” Peter cut in as James’ struggled to finish. 

 

James nodded solemnly at this, and Peter dropped his hand to his side and stared up at the ceiling. After a moment of silence Sirius spoke.

 

“It’s none of our business.” 

 

All eyes turned to him. His gaze was fixed blankly on the wall in front of him and his fingers absentmindedly twirled the ring on his middle finger around and around. 

 

“What do you mean it’s none of our business?” James asked slightly surprised. 

 

Sirius fixed him with an empty stare. A stare James couldn’t recognize, and didn’t like. He reached his hand towards Sirius’, but before he could reach him, Sirius pulled his hand back and cradled it to his body. 

 

“I mean it’s not our business. We don’t… what even is abuse?”

 

“What do you mean, what even is abuse?” James gave Sirius a confused frown. 

 

“I know what it is, obviously,” Sirius rushed on eyes darting between the other two “but we don’t even know the reason why he has them.”  

 

“You mean... we don’t know if his parents gave him the scars? We don’t know how he ended up hurt?” James answered cautiously, peering at Sirius through his glasses. 

 

“Yeah,” Sirius nodded and darted his eyes between them “yeah, that was what I meant.”

 

“Well, there must be other signs, right?” James asked quietly.

 

Sirius shrugged at this and nodded while he braided the loose threads of James’ comforter and avoided the others’ eyes. They all felt the heaviness of what James had suggested. It hung between them and forced their eyes to the floor. 

 

“Yeah, but what are the signs?” Peter asked, “How do you know?”

 

“We should go research.”

 

“Research?” Sirius was laying his head against the pillows now, his eyes to the ceiling. In just a moment he had retreated. Ducked into a place no one could follow him and now was ghosting along with the conversation, not completely there. 

 

“Yeah,” said James, “Research. I know it seems weird, but we can’t ask anyone about it, so it’s our only other source of information. And we need to figure out what’s going on with him,” James paused to look at the others before continuing, “We need to make a list. Of all the reasons why he could be disappearing so much and have so many scars. Why he doesn’t want friends.”

 

Sirius made a face at that. 

 

“That doesn’t sound like research James. That sounds like a fucking investigation.” 

  
  


“Well what else do we do? Don’t you want to know? He’s our room mate. He’s a nice bloke, we’re nice blokes,” James gesture wildly at the three of them, at which Sirius looked slightly disbelieving, “so why is he avoiding everyone? We’re going to live with him, and go to class with him, and see him, every day for the next seven years. I’d rather figure out what’s wrong with him sooner rather than later. I’d rather help him, if he needs it, sooner rather than later.” 

 

James had gone slightly red in the face and was now running his fingers through his hair in agitation. Peter nodded quickly, his eyes slightly wide and worried.

 

“Okay, mate. We’ll figure it out then.” 

 

James smiled back at Peter with renewed energy and clapped his hands.

 

“Alright then,” the other two stared at him with confusion and James rolled his eyes, “Let’s go!”

 

Sirius turned his face from the pile of pillows that he had sunken into. 

 

“Now?”

 

“Yes, now. We don’t have time to waste do we?”

  
  


*******

 

Remus had been found by Professor McGonagall hiding in the back of the library. At first, by the click of her shoes he thought she was Madam Pince, come to inconspicuously watch him from behind a bookshelf again to make sure he wasn’t engaging in  _ deviant behavior.  _  Remus had been coming to here for about two months, but for some reason Madam Pince was still sure that if she left him alone too long he would wreak havoc on her library. He supposed there must be something about sweaters and books that screamed preteen rebellion. It hadn’t been Madam Pince behind the bookshelf, though, instead it was Professor McGonagall.

 

“Professor, where are we going?”

 

“To see the Headmaster.” She answered tersely.

 

Remus supposed that there were two options. Either his roommates had discovered he was a werewolf and he was about to be revealed as the fraud he was, or his life wasn’t ruined forever, and maybe the Headmaster wanted to discuss his feelings and adjustment to Hogwarts. Remus couldn’t decide which one was worse. 

 

It was a constant balancing act, and one he had grown tired of. Remus had been told not to make friends, then put in a dorm with three prying boys. Remus had been told to focus on his schoolwork and blend in, but was stared at for always being alone. His parents had told him not to attract attention or get too close to people, but Professor McGonagall glared at him when he said he wanted to work by himself. He wished everyone would leave him alone, but at the same time he really didn’t, because although he didn’t mind being alone, he hated that he had never felt more lonely. Screw balance, his life wasn’t made up of anything as stable as that, it was internal chaos. 

 

“Right this way please.”

 

McGonagall’s voice pulled Remus out of his thoughts, and he looked up to see her standing before him, hand outstretched and pointing towards a long spiral staircase. Remus began to climb up it one stair at a time, but soon felt himself falling behind McGonagall’s quick pace. The stairs creaked under him and heaved under his step as if they may collapse into dust at any moment. Remus figured he shouldn’t be surprised, for all of wizarding kinds magical prowess and impressive advancements, they seemed to care a lot about continuing to live like it was the 1600s.

 

After McGonagall had whispered  _ fizzing whizbees _ to a large stone gargoyle at the top of the staircase, and Remus had thought that she had temporarily lost her mind, Remus found himself inside what must be Dumbledore’s study. It really couldn’t have belonged to anyone else. Unlike all the other rooms in the castle, it was circular and covered in windows that opened onto a breathtaking view of the grounds. Beside Remus sat a massive globe that not only showed all the countries in intricate detail, but seemed to be tracking people by little banners with their names attached to wherever they were at the moment. Remus thought it might be useful to have something like that, although maybe on a smaller scale, because really, according to the globe, Prospero Rajman could be anywhere in Tibet. 

 

Remus looked up and noticed that Professor McGonagall was now gone, and he had been left to stand awkwardly shifting from foot to foot, hoping that Dumbledore would at some point show up. Right then, he heard the click of a lock and beside him, and a large beautiful Phoenix popped the lock off it’s cage door with its beak. The bird poked its head out, seeming to carefully survey Remus, before soaring out the open window across from him. Remus stood there awkwardly, half wondering if he should maybe try to chase after the bird and half hoping Dumbledore would hurry up and come, because his bird was just sort of  _ gone.  _

The paintings above him stared down at him with fourteen sets of disapproving sets eyes, and Remus couldn’t tell if the scorn came from the whole werewolf thing, or if he was being judged for being so apathetic to Dumbledore’s beloved pet skipping town. 

 

“Well what am I supposed to do about it?”

 

The painting of a man in a tall black hat simply ignored him and took a sip of tea. 

 

“Hello, Remus.” 

 

Remus spun around to see which portrait had said that, but was instead confronted with Dumbledore smiling at him from the doorway.

 

“Oh, err, hello sir. I was just talking to the portraits. I thought maybe they would…”

 

Remus trailed off feeling stupid now. It occurred to him that he didn’t even know what Dumbledore wanted to say and his blabbing about making small talk with paintings could be getting in the way.

 

“Also, your bird flew away. I’m sorry, I just kind of watched him because I didn’t know what I should do,” Dumbledore smiled at him kindly and offered no response to any of this “so I guess he’s kind of.. gone now.”

 

The Headmaster waved Remus away calmly and walked forward to take a seat at the desk. 

 

“That’s quite alright, Remus. Fawkes is free to come and go as he pleases,” Dumbledore smiled slightly and folded his glasses placing them on the desk, “And as for the paintings, they tend to be a bit snobbish. I wouldn’t take it personally.”

 

“We do not!” One of the paintings called down to them.

 

Dumbledore continued on, “But that is neither here nor there. I called you here because I know that the adjustment to Hogwarts can be difficult under the most ideal circumstances. Leaving your family and parents is very hard for most students. I can’t imagine how it must feel for you” Dumbledore looked at Remus searchingly “I want to be sure that you enjoy yourself here at Hogwarts.”

 

“Thank you, sir, really, for everything you’ve done. I am incredibly grateful to be here. But you don’t need to worry about me. I’m just here to study and graduate.”

 

“Life is never just one thing, Remus. A degree from Hogwarts will not mean anything if all that is behind it is assignments and work. From what I know of you, you do not undervalue those things, but from what else I know, I am afraid that it’s all you are tempted to value. Do you understand?”

 

Remus nodded with hesitation. He understood what Dumbledore meant, but was unsure of how to put the restless churning in his mind into words. A question like  _ How?  _ Or  _ Why are you telling me this? Why do you care?,  _ but perhaps more complex, one that encapsulated all of the doubts and loneliness, the aching in his bones that tugged against the moon, and the fear in his mother’s eyes when she dropped him off at the train station a month ago. Remus wanted a question that could lead to an answer that would heal all those things. He didn’t want to be told why he should make friends. He wanted to know why so many people were taking the time to care at all, and how he could not let them down. 

 

Dumbledore took a breath and continued on.

 

“Perhaps the most important thing you can take away from this, is not spells or charms, such things you could easily learn from your father. It is the ability to find out who you say you are and with that, who others say you are. It’s learning to love people even when they don’t deserve to be loved, and trust people when you are so very afraid. These are experiences that we all must learn if we hope to carry on a bit stronger and steadily the next day.”

 

Remus thought this was all a bit too heavy for a Tuesday afternoon. 

 

“In short, I urge you not to isolate yourself, Remus. Make friends, learn about people, let people see who you are as well. Isolation will leave you with nothing but your own thoughts, and trust me, they quickly grow tiresome.” 

 

“Sir,” Remus spoke around the knot in his throat, and chose his words carefully, “I appreciate your advice, but I don’t… quite know what you mean.” 

 

Dumbledore tilted his head at Remus a sad smile playing on his lips.

 

“Don’t you?”

 

“I can’t make friends, Headmaster. My scars and my transformations are not easy to hide. I’ve tried it before and I’ve found that everyone is better off if I keep to myself.”

 

Dumbledore shook his head, “Remus, I will not lie to you, your life is going to be difficult. It will invariably be affected by the people around you. You’re right, you can prevent much pain by shutting everyone out, after all it’s those we love the most who hurt us the most, but that will also prevent love and meaning from finding their way in. Don’t do that to yourself. Alone we cannot bear the daily cost of living. Together, however, much more is possible.”

 

Remus nodded politely at this. He hoped Dumbledore was right. The thought seemed more like a dream, nice, but unrealistic.

 

“Find people who will love you. Then accept whatever may come.”

 

***

 

James was determined. Books spread in front of him, pages and pages of words before him, he felt  that if he just continued to read, eventually he would find the answer he was looking for. He was a man on a mission, a mission of curiosity, but more importantly of sympathy. He had decided he must find out what had been hurting his friend. Not the friend across the table from him, although perhaps maybe he should’ve been worried about him too, but the small boy with the scars who he had decided he was now connected to, for better or for worse. For James, at least, it was as simple as that. 

 

Peter was weary. He had turned through tomb after tomb and coughed on the dust from the pages. He had read about abuse, and self harm, and rare medical conditions, and his brain was aching from all the sadness. He felt caught. The urge to run and ignore the kind of pain that must plague the people around him and the urge to help, held him stuck. For Peter, this was punishment through empathy. He felt incredibly guilty for even thinking such a thing, so he continued on.

 

Sirius wished he wasn’t here at all. His head lay across the book before him as he listened to his friends read out signs of child abuse. He listened to them compare, with worry in their voices, Remus’ actions and disappearances. Sirius had nothing to say. They were opposites, James and Peter against Sirius, the two boys now facing what they had never faced, and Sirius detaching from what he always had. When he thought of Remus being abused he thought of someone weak and helpless. Sirius had never been weak nor helpless, but… The but held him at a standstill and lingered at the back of his mind. Sirius picked up the matches Peter had brought to the library to light the candles and struck them one by one watching the flame flicker down until it burned his fingertips. It felt kind of nice, and Sirius resented James when he plucked a still burning match out of his hands. Now his mind wandered back,  _ he had never, but…. They had never, but… maybe…  _ For Sirius, it was an exercise in willful ignorance.

 

Shadows stretched long over the tables of the library, and the sun began to retreat behind the trees as the day wore on, but the boys stayed at the small round table in the back of the library. 

 

James furrowed his brow and began to read, “It says here that abuse can cause people to retreat from others, perform poorly in school, or have uncontrollable bouts of behavior like sudden hyperactivity, aggression, or hostility.”

 

Sirius put his arms over his head and his forehead on the edge of the desk tapping his foot along the edge of the chair and humming slightly. 

 

“Sirius listen to this, it’s important. It can cause frequent absences from school - Remus leaves once a month - and it can cause children to runaway.”

 

Sirius remembered the streets of muggle London. He could hear the cars honking down the streets and he could feel the sting of cold when he had run there in just a thin sweater in the middle of December. There was a nice man, Sirius thought his name was Joe, who always let him sit at the bar of the Black Rooster Pub even though he couldn’t drink. One time he had given Sirius a sandwich. It was one of the best things he had ever eaten. 

 

Peter leaned over to look over James’ shoulder, and read softly to himself, “Rebellious behavior, depression, lack of self confidence, poor and risky decision making… Jesus, there’s a whole list here.”

 

Sirius thought back to a good memory. Training all the owls in the owlery to divebomb their potions professor with James, and how he had been sentenced to detention for weeks afterward. He remembered the comment he had given to Slughorn lecturing them and how it had made everybody laugh, that had felt good, for awhile. Afterwards, though, he felt a bit empty.  Sirius didn’t like this memory anymore. 

 

Peter sat up and addressed the group, snapping each boy out of their own thoughts. 

 

“I think we should write down all of the things we’ve found out. Y’know, all of the possible options… Otherwise this will have been kind of a waste of time.”

 

James nodded, “Okay, but we can’t ever let him see it.” 

“What do we do if he does?” Sirius asked from his position laying on the table. 

 

“Well, I don’t know, we’ll tell him that it’s a love letter to Dumbledore or something so he won’t look at it.”

 

Peter screwed up his face, “That would just make me more curious.”

 

“That’s sick Peter. Is this your way of telling us you want to bugger Dumbledore?”

 

James swatted Sirius with a piece of paper and told him to shut up. 

 

“Okay lads, let’s focus here. “

 

After twenty minutes of concentrated work, fifteen minutes of talking, ten minutes of dive bombing a group of girls with enchanted  paper planes, one rendition of Ode to Joy, and one temporary expulsion from the library, the list read as follows: 

  
  


Reasons why Remus Lupin is so Covered in Scars, Such an Odd Bloke, and Won’t Speak to His Perfectly Nice Roommates Who Like Him Very Much:

 

Authored by: James Potter, Sirius, and Peter Pettigrew 

 

  1. Maybe his mum is sick, and he actually was attacked by an animal.



_ “We already discussed that! What kind of animal scratches everywhere?” _

_ “I don’t know James, but just put it down.” _

      2.  He had some sort of accident when he was younger.

      3. His parents, or himself, are leaving those scars and we need to help him.

4\. He’s just really really shy.

_ “Really, really, really shy.” _

_ “Yeah, Sirius, that’s what I wrote.” _

_ “No you used only two, I said three.” _

_ “Bugger off.” _

    5. He has a medical issue he’s embarrassed about that causes some scarring.

    6. He’s part of a fight club with his mum, and they meet once a month.

_ “Okay lads, who would win? Remus or his mum?” _

_ “The real question is, Remus versus McGonagall?” _

_ “Are you kidding me, Peter? McGonagall would win, no contest.” _

_ “Sirius, stop betting on the poor lad, and we’re not writing any of that down.” _

    7. He trains hippogriffs

_ “What’s a hippogriff?” _

_ “It’s a half bird half horse thing.” _

_ “That sounds fake.” _

    8. He really really doesn’t like us

_ “That’s unrealistic. Who wouldn’t like me?” _

_ “Evans.” _

_ “Low blow, Peter, really bloody low.” _

     9. He’s a double agent who fought undercover for years and is now on reconnaissance at Hogwarts.

     10. He just doesn’t like us. Let’s leave the poor guy alone.

 

After the list was finished, and Madam Pince had sworn on her life for the third time that week that they would never return to her library, the boys began to walk back to the dormitory. The halls were quiet as they walked, and the laughter that had bound them together that afternoon had now vanished. They lapsed into silence, and returned to their own thoughts once again, trying not to run over in their minds too many times what their friend might be going through, or let in the thoughts they each were trying to shut out. 

 

When they saw that Remus had returned before them, they each smiled, and forced their eyes away from the scar that burned across his face. 

 

*******

 

The dormitory was quiet at night. The castle had settled into sleep and only four boys lay awake, each believing that they were the only ones with their eyes still open. 

 

Peter thought of his family. He missed his little sister and his mum, and he was tired. Not in the physical way, in fact that was the problem, but in the bone weary, achy, way. He wanted to be home with the comfort of his own bed and his family a door away. His chest couldn’t rise and fall, it was too filled with sorrow, and Peter didn’t know how to make it go away. He didn’t know if he should. 

 

Sirius thought of his family too. He remembered Regulus’ eyes when he left him on the train platform. He remembered hugging him tight, and gathering the strength to let go. Maybe it wasn’t strength that had made him let go, maybe it was his mother’s steel eyes staring at him, or her grip on his shoulder. 

 

James worried. He worried about Remus, and about Sirius, and about Peter. He wished he could heal every scar on Remus’ skin. He wished he could reach Sirius and ask why he would sometimes disappear from James, back into himself, without warning. He wanted smooth out the trouble written on Peter’s face. He wanted, he wanted, he wanted, and it felt like it was crushing him.

 

Remus worried. Then again, that was pretty normal. This worry was different, it was more like sadness than fear, and he wondered if it wasn't worry at all, just loneliness. What Dumbledore had said had got to him. He didn’t want to be lonely. It hurt to admit that. For a moment, in the quiet safety of the dark, he caught a glimmer of hope. Maybe the Headmaster was right. Maybe someone could understand how it felt to have nightmares and to hate who you were because of what had been done to you. 

  
_ Maybe, maybe, maybe, _ the word shone in his mind and, without thinking, Remus turned to the side and caught Sirius’ eye. They stared at each other in the dark, each mind lost in its own thoughts, yet bound together by eye contact, and by the intensity of understanding another person without words. Neither of them felt the need to speak. They feared if they did, it would mean something. It would mean reaching out,  it would mean lighting a match or pushing a domino, it would mean starting a reaction. Instead, they stared and stared, until sleep finally came. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then they were running. Stone scraped their shoulders, cracks in the ancient flooring tripped them, and Sirius fell against Remus’ back pushing him forward. The invisibility cloak had fallen off long ago, now trailing behind them clenched in Sirius’ fist. They wound around corners and up stairs, the world getting darker as they made their way further into the heart of the castle, and their hearts pounded against their chests pumping adrenaline that pushed them farther and farther away.

“Are you willing to do whatever it takes?” James and Sirius leaned towards each other, tucked into chairs in the corner of the common room, elbows spilling off the armrests. Sirius paused for a moment, eyes fixed on nowhere in particular, as if in incredibly deep thought.

“I won’t murder.”

James hesitated, “Yeah, good to know. That wasn’t part of the plan.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Here’s what I’m thinking, if we get Peter in on this we’ll have almost enough people for the prank,” James looked around the common room then back at Sirius meaningfully, “but I think there’s someone else we need.”

They simultaneously turned their heads to stare at the small scarred boy sunken into a chair by the fireplace.

“What if he says no?”

“He won’t.” James paused, “Go get Peter.  I’ll work on Remus.”

Sirius gave the boys one last skeptical look before thundering up the stairs to find his roommate. 

James stared. He bore his eyes into Remus, silently willing him to look up. He was scribbling something, James couldn’t see what, and Lily sat a few feet away, her head on the arm of the sofa, barely touching Remus’ elbow. _ Her hair looks so nice today.... _ James’ eyes drifted to Lily.  _ No. Focus Potter. _

Remus glanced up. James stared intensely back. Remus offered a weak, slightly uncomfortable smile, and looked back down at his paper. He sat still for a moment, pen hovering over the page, before slowly making eye contact again. James stared. 

“James.” 

Remus was across the room, now, standing with his arms crossed, looking uncomfortable.

“Hey.”

“What are you doing?”

“Not much what about you?”

“I’m not sitting in the common room staring at my roommates.”

James considered this for a moment.

“Do you think you could convince the house elves to make some marinara sauce? I mean a lot.”

Remus looked at James as if he had gone mad.

“What?”

“No… you’re right I’ll have Sirius do that.”

“Look, okay, I only came over here because I was worried you were going to do permanent damage to your eyes from not blinking for too long,” Remus turned his head to look back at his chair, “I realize now, you were probably just looking at Lily. Which by the way, I think there are better ways to..”

“No, I was looking at you.”

Remus furrowed his brow at this and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Why?”

“Because I need your help.”

“With what, exactly?”

James waved him away.

“I’ll explain in the dormitory. Peter and Sirius are up there now- they’re in on it too- but after, you’re going to finish what you were saying about me and Lily. Not that I care all that much, of course. It’s not like I’m obsessed with her. Just curious.” James took a deep breath at this and stood up “Let’s go then.”

Remus contemplated not moving, maybe completely ignoring James and walking back to his spot by the fire, but he felt compelled to follow. Remus knew, that whatever wild plan a bunch of eleven years old had concocted, was probably dangerous, stupid, or a mix of both, but as James got up to walk away Remus felt a tug of longing, and maybe a bit of loneliness. James, with his crooked glasses and crooked smile, seemed to create something worth being a part of. Sometimes Remus just wanted to follow and see what would happen. Remus sighed, looked back at Lily, and began to climb the stairs. 

“Why were you staring at me?”

“Because if I just went over, and told you all that, you’d think I was crazy and Lily would hex me.”

“For the record, I still think you’re crazy.”

James shrugged.

“It works, though, if you stare at someone for long enough they’ll feel obligated to talk to you.”

That struck Remus as oddly genius.

“Works on girls too.”

That didn’t.

*********

Absolutely nothing could go wrong. James had assured them of that, pacing back and forth in the dormitory, and Remus had briefly wondered how one boy could be so unfailingly sure of himself. In reality many things could go wrong, but James was magnetic. Remus was sure he could be identified as a wizard miles away just by this magic that radiated off of him and pulled people closer. Curiosity, that must have been a large part of it, because Remus had never been more confused by a plan in his life. 

 

According to James and Sirius, who had drawn up this scheme during Charms class, all they needed was 75 alarm clocks, an invisibility cloak, a bucket of tomato sauce, a scarecrow, a secret passage to the Slytherin common room, and a spirit for mischief. 

 

“Okay lads, here’s the deal; Peter go put on your most poor, destitute, expression and beg every Gryffindor dormitory for their alarm clock. Say yours is broken, or you’re experimenting, or you’re building a bomb, I don’t care, just get them.”

 

Peter nodded at this and James turned to Sirius.

 

“Sirius, I need you to go beg the house elves for all of the tomato sauce they have. Then sneak back up here with it.”

 

James looked at Remus. 

 

“Remus, I need your artistic ability and sharp mind.”

 

“I don’t have any artistic ability.”

 

“That was a shot in the dark. I was kind of hoping you did. That’s okay though! We’ll work together, and you and Sirius will be indispensable for phase two,” James smiled at the boys encouragingly, “Let’s do this!”

 

***

 

“This is terrifying.”

 

Remus looked down at the scarecrow they had cobbled together in half an hour with sticks from the Great Lawn. It was vaguely humanoid, which Remus thought made it even worse, and James in an attempt to lift their spirits had painted a face on it. Unfortunately, James was pretty bad at painting, and now the scarecrow stared back at them beadly with a slapdash smile and a way too realistic nose. 

 

“No it’s not, sure it’s not the best, but…” James trailed off trying to shove his old Chudley Cannons t-shirt on the scarecrow’s torso and stood up to look at it, “Oh, wow... it’s a monster.”

 

At that moment, Peter bust through the door, and collapsed, spilling alarm clocks all over the ground. They clattered at James’ and Remus’ feet, and with a large groan Peter pulled himself up to standing to look at the sight before them. At least 50 alarm clocks littered the floor, and one had fallen into the scarecrow’s makeshift hand. Peter poked the scarecrow with his toe and made a face.

 

“What in God’s name is that?”

 

“The stuff of nightmares,” Sirius had walked in behind them, “James, Remus, keep your day jobs. That looks like what you tell children will eat them if they don’t behave.”

 

“Okay, well that’s just hurtful,” James muttered.

 

The scarecrow stared back at them blankly, with a drunken smile, and Sirius pushed it under the bed. 

 

***

 

Peter stood back, face crumpling into a state of confusion, and turned to Remus, “I always thought that my first year at Hogwarts would involve some tomato sauce, just, y’know.... Less.”

 

Remus nodded in agreement and spread an even coat of red goop over the chest of the scarecrow. It was times like these when he was using a paintbrush to cover a makeshift scarecrow in tomato sauce to make it look, from a distance, like a person covered in blood, that Remus questioned everything. He had certainly never expected normal. His parents, however encouraging and loving, had never raised him as naive as that. No, it wasn’t the complete and utter bizarreness of the situation that jarred him. It was the willingness that he had accepted it with. He supposed he was too deep in The Plan by now, though, to call it quits and hide under the comforter of his dorm room bed until people decided to stop taking so much interest in him. Remus looked down at the uneven splotches of red that stained James’ old Quidditch jersey.  _ Artistic talent my ass.  _

 

Peter dipped his finger into the tomato sauce and tasted it. 

 

“Not half bad.”

 

“I’ve been dipping my paintbrush in that for a half hour.”

 

Peter shrugged. Remus sighed, and pushed himself back onto his heels, surveying the mess they had made. The scarecrow, if you squinted your eyes and blurred your vision a bit, looked quite a bit like a person, which was imperative for The Plan to succeed. They hadn’t come up with a name for it, well, Peter and Remus hadn’t really come up with it at all. According to James and Sirius it was to go like this; first, while all the Slytherins were at dinner, Remus and Sirius would set up 75 alarm clocks in the Slytherin common room all set to go off in minute intervals for over an hour, while they did, James and Peter would take the scarecrow-human-thing covered in blood (tomato sauce) and make it look like there had been an accident at the bottom of the stairs. Hopefully, that would preoccupy the teachers long enough so that when the alarm clocks started they would sound for at least 15 uninterrupted minutes before anybody could come help. This would give Peter and James time to run from the crime scene and Sirius and Remus time to take a back passageway that Sirius’ cousin, Andromeda, had told them about to safety. 

  
  


In lines from the bathroom door to the foot of Sirius’ bed, alarm clocks were wound up and ticking softly. Peter’s fingers wound and wound, spinning time back to just the right place, clicking and turning as he counted  _ one, two, three, four,  _ before placing the clock with the others. Peter’s face was relaxed now, his eyes sharpened with pale focus, and Remus couldn’t understand how he could tune out the out of time ticking all around them. 

  
  


Remus felt alight with anticipation. Part of him knew this was stupid. Probably the dumbest prank that had ever been pulled, and maybe a little mean, too. James’ had insisted it was foolproof, but honestly it seemed like a minor inconvenience for the Slytherins that could get the four boys in a lot of trouble. They didn’t know much magic, though, so Remus supposed if they were going to pull a prank they had to work with what they had.

 

Despite the part of Remus that told him to turn around, and go downstairs, and be the person he promised everyone he would be, he wanted this. He was tired of the wary stares from the teachers and how students eyes would always wander back to his scars. He wanted the rebellion, excitement, and feeling of belonging that only came with doing something so incredibly stupid, much more than he cared to admit.  

 

“Alright Pete, you ready?”

 

Peter looked up and grinned back at him. 

 

***

 

The Slytherin common room was calm. Remus wasn’t sure what he had expected, maybe something more menacing with house elf’s heads hung on the walls, but instead, he found himself in a large round room filled with chairs, and tables, and pale green light that shone through the windows. It was like another dimension, like being submerged in the ocean, but all of the water had turned to air. If Remus hadn’t been shoved under an invisibility cloak, behind a suit of armor, with Sirius’ breath on his neck, in a room full of people who possibly hated him, he might have felt at peace. 

 

Then the first alarm went off. 

 

Ringing broke the quiet and muffled whispers, and bounced off the stone walls, piercing their ears.. 

 

“What’s that sound?” 

 

A Slytherin prefect had stood up now and was surveying the room. Younger students shrugged and looked to each other, but no one responded. Remus held his breath, and as he did, he felt Sirius’ chest still behind him. 

 

“Where’s it coming from?” Another older girl chimed in, addressing the group. 

 

Remus’ stomach was in knots. He felt sick with excitement and dizzy from the sound. 

 

The Slytherins were on their feet now turning over couch cushions and looking behind chairs. 

A group of younger kids sprinted upstairs, only to turn on their heels and thunder back down. 

 

“It’s ringing up there too! In the dormitories!”

 

_ Tick… tick… tick…  _

 

“Alright who set off another one? This isn’t funny anymore!” The prefect bellowed above the noise, and before he could even finish his sentence, a third alarm went off. 

 

Students yelled to each other over the metal ringing, trying desperately to be heard. The Slytherin prefects stood up on the chairs that hadn’t yet been turned over and raised their wands to their throats to amplify their voices. It wasn’t enough, before a single student could get a word out, a fourth alarm went off, then a fifth, then a sixth. People screamed at each other and covered their ears, but even the loudest voices had been completely drowned in pandemonium. The walls amplified the sound and it filled every particle of air, vibrating and shaking as if millions of bees were flying around them. One student collapsed on the ground and shoved a pillow over his head in desperation, and his friends hauled him to his feet yelling something that was lost in the noise.  

 

Remus’ skull was splitting open with the sound, and before he could blow their cover and run out the way they came in complete desperation, Sirius roughly shoved what felt like wads of cotton into his ears, and dragged him, under the cover of the cloak, through the crack in the wall. Remus turned and saw him mouth  _ let’s go.  _

 

And then they were running. Stone scraped their shoulders, cracks in the ancient flooring tripped them, and Sirius fell against Remus’ back pushing him forward. The invisibility cloak had fallen off long ago, now trailing behind them clenched in Sirius’ fist. They wound around corners and up stairs, the world getting darker as they made their way further into the heart of the castle, and their hearts pounded against their chests pumping adrenaline that pushed them farther from the noise.

 

Remus thought he must be dreaming. He was flying around corners, but whatever Sirius had put in his ears had turned the world deathly silently. He felt Sirius hand fisted around the back of his sweater, but he couldn’t hear their footsteps, only feel the vibrations shaking through him as they ran. He didn’t know where they were and couldn’t ask, instead he let the world blur by in silence and a pumping excitement that he had never felt before. His cheeks hurt, and when he touched them he realized he was grinning. The world was spinning and spinning and spinning all around them, and all they could do was run. 

 

After what felt like hours, and at the same time, a second, Sirius grabbed Remus’ arm and yanked him to a halt. Sirius pulled out his earplugs and motioned silently for Remus to do the same. Before Remus could even hear himself, he began to speak. 

 

“Where are we?”

 

Sirius shook his head and looked around them. The long narrow passageway had led them to a stone atrium, with no windows, or light, just an altar in the center holding a bright flame that flickered red, then blue, then green, and yellow. Doors branched off from all sides, and a single skylight on the ceiling bathed the room in translucent green light.

 

“Good question.”

 

Remus looked at Sirius unable to conceal the shock on his face.

 

“What do you mean ‘good question?’ I thought you knew where we were going!”

 

“What on Earth would make you think that?”

 

Remus opened and closed his mouth but Sirius was no longer paying attention. 

 

“I wonder where these doors lead..”

 

“Sirius look, we need to find a way out of here.”

 

“Relax. I’m sure there’s one somewhere.”

 

Remus was infuriated by this. 

 

“And what if there’s not? Then what? We can’t run back to the Slytherin common room because they’ll immediately know it was us. We need to find a way out of here.”

 

Sirius nodded his head, half listening, and pointed to the skylight shimmering above them. 

 

“I think that’s the Black Lake.”

 

“Sirius, we’re not swimming out.”

 

Sirius’ face cracked open into a smile, and for a second, the adrenaline came back, making Remus feel slightly dizzy. 

 

Sirius laughed, “I wasn’t suggesting we swim out. But we don’t have much of a choice except to take one of these pathways.”

 

“We’re just picking randomly, then?” Sirius nodded, “Okay, err... I choose the second one to the left.”

 

Sirius nodded with mock consideration.

 

“Yes, excellent choice Mr. Lupin.”

 

They began to half walk, half run, toward the archway, their feet echoing through the cavern, and thier eyes darting over their shoulders to catch a glimpse of someone chasing them. As Remus’ foot crossed the threshold, the flame roared, and turned blue, quadrupling in size. 

 

“Remus, I think the fire is telling us something.” 

 

Remus turned to the torch, that had now grown into a bonfire, and felt his stomach drop. 

 

“Maybe, it’s blue because we’re headed towards the Ravenclaw common room.” Remus looked to Sirius, who seemed completely calm about all of this,  “It was green when we first came in. It could be a guide of sorts.”

 

“Or it wants to kill us for leaving.”

 

Remus supposed that would have been funnier if they didn’t attend a magical school where that was entirely possible. Already, though, Sirius was jogging across to the other archway, unperturbed by his own suggestion. The moment his foot touched the threshold, the flame flickered red.

 

“This way!” He yelled gesturing down the dark pathway before running on without Remus. 

  
  


Torches were placed at haphazard intervals along on the stone corridor, but whoever had mounted them obviously hadn’t tried very hard. Burnt out shells of light fixtures lay every few feet, and the broken lights left pools of darkness for the boys to wade through. They walked shoulder to shoulder, pretending like they didn’t care for words. Finally, Remus spoke. 

 

“Why did we just do that?”

 

Sirius scoffed, “Because it’s fun.”

 

Remus said nothing in return. He didn’t have to clarify what he meant. They walked a bit longer, their footsteps echoing behind them.

 

“They deserved it.”

 

Remus looked up at Sirius and watched the shadows dance across his face. He looked like stone, like a statue that someone would leave here. 

 

“They kept taunting us. Saying that James and I had betrayed them. Well, actually, it was less about James and more about me.”

 

Remus stayed silent. 

 

“They called me a blood-traitor, a disgrace, they said that they weren’t surprised that James had been sorted Gryffindor, he was practically an honorary mudblood, but I was the real disappointment,” The words were flowing out of Sirius now, “They kept cornering me in the hallway. And it’s not like I can’t handle myself. I can. In my house, you don’t grow up without learning how to fight,” Remus didn’t ask what that meant, “but it wasn’t just my cousin, Bellatrix, there were other first years, and some of her third-year friends. They wouldn’t leave me alone.”

 

They had stopped walking now. Sirius stood, stooped, the words weighing down his shoulders, yet he was struggling to hold himself up anyway. It was a stance Remus recognized. A beat passed between them, and Remus didn't  look into Sirius’ eyes. He felt it would break this careful balance they had created. It was a covenant, a secret spilling in the dark, and one misstep could flip on the lights. Remus traced his finger across a long thin scar on Sirius’ hand.

 

“Where’d this come from?”

 

Sirius waited a moment, before pulling his hand back and slipping it into his pocket.

 

“It was a long time ago.”

 

“How’d you get it?” 

 

Sirius looked at Remus impenetrably. 

 

“How’d you get yours?”

 

Remus paused for a moment, then nodded in understanding, and the two boys walked wordlessly home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aayyyy looks whose posting on time! not really, though, it's four days late and I procrastinated editing because this is not my favorite piece of writing, but almost on time! let me know what you think and thanks for reading friend!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus felt, and felt, and felt, but soon the emotions churning within him, subsided, and his skin began to prickle and burn. He looked up, instinctively, for the moon that was pushing and pulling him wherever it willed and saw only wooden eaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh here it is i hope everyone enjoys

The world felt uncomfortably quiet. September chill prickled Remus’s skin and mud sunk around Remus' feet, gluing him in place. Right now, Remus should have been in the common room. He should have be taking notes in the warmth of the castle, or dodging the pieces of paper that James sent sailing past his shoulder every couple minutes. Instead, he was standing in a damp tunnel, under the grounds of the castle, waiting for Madame Pomfrey to pull open the door that led into the Shrieking Shack. After a moment of tugging, she muttered an enchantment under her breath, and with more effort than Remus had expected of the small witch, yanked the door to the shack open. The whole room seemed to shudder as she did, and they coughed on the clouds of dust that sprang up from their hiding places to greet them.

 

“Right this way, dear…”

 

Madame Pomfrey beckoned kindly and began to lead Remus past old faded furniture into another room.

 

It was less like a shack, and more like a small house. All the rooms were awkwardly furnished with something floral, and it looked as if his Grandmother had built a house, decorated it, then left it to rot. Remus would have found it oddly endearing, if not for the circumstances he was seeing it under.

 

“Remus.”

 

Remus looked up to see Madame Pomfrey staring at him beside a now open door that led into another bedroom. Her eyes held a sadness to them and what, if caught right in the light, almost looked like fear. Then she smiled, and the fear was replaced with a tenderness that she had shown the first time Dumbledore had introduced her to him.

 

Remus smiled back and stepped toward the cellar.

 

The nurse held up a mug of tea,“I was thinking that you should have something warm. To make sure you don’t get too cold down there before you-” she trailed off and gestured at the door.

 

Remus nodded and took the cup, turning his head down from the musty air to breathe in the steam.

 

“Thank you. For everything.”

 

Madame Pomfrey smiled back at him sadly, “I’ll see you in the morning… Be safe.”

 

They both laughed at this slightly, and Remus stepped forward into the room hearing the door click softly behind him.

 

The ground was cold. As he began to slowly take off his clothes the freezing air leaked in through the windows and bristled over his skin. Remus gingerly lowered himself to the wooden floor and clutched his knees to his chest, shivering, with nobody and nothing to protect him. He hated this feeling more than any of the pain or shame that would follow. He hated it more than the secrets and the late nights of nightmares or worrying. The silence surrounded him and stuffed up his ears, and Remus wanted to scream just to break it, but couldn’t find the strength. The air had swept the warmth of his body and now he felt cold and so so small. Remus felt, and felt, and felt, but soon the emotions churning within him, subsided, and his skin began to prickle and burn. He looked up, instinctively, for the moon that was pushing and pulling him wherever it willed and saw only wooden eaves.

 

The moonlight filtering in had grown brighter, now, and cast itself across the floor falling just short of Remus. Remus felt his skin crawling as if it were going to slide off of him, and his muscles contracted and relaxed on their own accord. Pain spiked through him, and the clarity that he had moments ago was now gone. Remus closed his eyes, and as he waited, hot tears began to fall down onto his hands and into the ground below.

 

The moon rose over the grounds, and far away in the farms beyond the Hogwarts, a howl echoed through the trees.

 

****

 

Sirius lay back on the stone of the tower and stared at the stars that were slowly

twinkling into existence as the sun went down. It had rained for days, but that afternoon the sky had cleared and the rain had stopped over Hogwarts. Sirius suspected magic might have something to do with it. The night was deep blue and just dark enough for the stars and moon to be shining, but still early enough on a Friday night for the students to be allowed out on the Astronomy tower. Sirius had been dragged up by James and Peter who claimed it was the perfect night for stargazing, and also coincidentally, the astronomy project due Monday that they’d forgotten about. Apparently, about a dozen other first years had the same idea.

 

“Oi! Mate, Pete and I are going to head down to the other end of the balcony so we can see the stars better.”

 

James waved his astronomy homework at Sirius to catch his attention and began to head toward the telescopes surrounded by fellow students. Sirius nodded, and scooted a bit farther down on the stone bench, before relaxing back to look at the moon hanging in the sky.

 

After a moment of silence, Sirius turned his head to see the boy sitting beside him, leaned up against a large gnarled tree, and scribbling furiously in his notebook.

 

“What are you writing?”

 

The boy looked up at Sirius through curtains of greasy hair and grimaced before snapping the book shut.

 

“Nothing.”

 

Sirius shrugged.

 

“Okay then.”

A couple of third years laughed and pretended to push each other nearer and nearer to the edge. Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius saw the boy pick himself up and move closer. Sirius turned to look him briefly, examining him. He wore Slytherin robes and pants with patches at the knees, which seemed like an odd combination. His face was set into an absent sort of scowl, and his hair was longer than Sirius falling to his shoulders.

 

After a moment, the boy spoke, “I’m Severus. Are you Sirius Black?”

 

Sirius nodded and extended his hand to the other boy.

 

“What are you doing out here, Severus?”

 

The boy looked around shiftily.

 

“Reading. Figured I’d enjoy the night. After that prank on the Slytherin common room, I thought it might be better to stay outdoors for a while.”

 

Sirius laughed at this and Severus continued.

 

“It was your roommates, wasn’t it? I heard they were caught by Filch and given three weeks detention”

 

“They weren’t caught with anything. They got in trouble for putting a scarecrow that looked like a student at the bottom of the stairs to get a scare out of the teachers. There just happened to be a prank happening in the common room at the same time. Wild coincidence. Absolutely no one could have predicted it.”

 

Sirius smiled slightly to himself and Severus stared searchingly back.

 

“So you didn’t plan it?”

 

“Why would you care?”

 

Severus looked away aloofly and opened his book again.

 

“I don’t. I was simply curious.”

 

Sirius shook his head and turned away from Severus, still by his side, but farther away now. Suddenly, a shriek broke their silence and Peter dashed toward them, making a loop around the large balcony, as James sprinted behind holding up what looked to be a large spider. As Peter and James wrestled on the far edge, Sirius began to laugh and Severus joined in, the tension slowly dissipating.

 

Sirius cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, “Fight back, Pete!”

 

Peter struggled to run from James and soon they were throwing whatever they could find at each other in the slowly darkening night, almost knocking their telescope and piles of parchment over the edge of the tower.

 

Severus pushed his hair out of his face and turned to Sirius.

 

“Where’s the other one?”

 

“What other one?”

 

“The other boy you room with? Seems like you four are always together in class.”

 

“He’s visiting his parents for a bit, his mum’s sick. Why do you ask?”

 

Severus turned away again, shrugging, “Just curious is all.”

 

“You seem to be curious about a lot of things.”

 

The two boys made eye contact, their eyes searching each other’s faces.

 

“You could say that.”

 

Sirius nodded slowly.

 

“How do you like Slytherin? I’ve never seen your family before.”

 

Severus bristled at this, “I like it fine. I’m surprised you’re asking me. It seems like you would know more about it than me.”

 

“Just wondering what it’s like for someone outside of the well-known pureblood families. Seems awful.”

 

“Were you hoping not to be sorted into our house when you came here?”

 

Sirius scoffed, “You could say that.”

 

“Why don’t you at least try to make friends with the Slytherins?”

 

Sirius raised his eyebrow and stared intently at Severus.

 

“Because most of them are full of shit.”

 

Severus sneered back, all curiosity about the other boy gone.

 

“Well, maybe you would change your mind if you kept some better company.”

 

Sirius narrowed his eyes at this and turned fully towards Severus staring at him challengingly.

 

“Thanks,” the words were acidic, “but I’m not planning on it.”

 

  
“Really, not even to _try_ to be good role model for your little brother?”

 

“What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”

 

Severus didn’t respond and Sirius stared at him furiously.

 

“What’s with the all the questions? And how did you even know I had a little brother?”

 

Severus darted his eyes from Sirius uncomfortably, and Sirius followed his eyes to a group of people hidden away alongside a wall of the castle. Some of them lounged comfortably against each other, but none of them were speaking. Every one of them had their eyes fixed on the two boys, and when Sirius looked into the crowd, he made eye contact with his cousin Bellatrix. A crooked smile broke her face, and Sirius whipped his head around to face Severus.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me? They put you up to this, didn’t they? They were just waiting to see how much you could find out about me and my friends. Did she ask you to keep tabs on me? File a report? What?”

 

Severus went still and stared back coldly.

 

“Well, maybe if you stopped embarrassing yourself your cousin wouldn’t have to check up on you like you’re a child.”

 

Sirius sprung to his feet and hissed quietly “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 

“I know that you executed the prank, and your friend who just disappeared did too, and I know that you’re disgracing us all because you want to pretend to be a Gryffindor. At least that’s what your family said.”

 

“Actually, whoever the fuck you are, Sirius isn’t pretending to be anything.”

 

James grasped onto Sirius’ shoulder, having now abandoned his homework and fight with Peter. James looked over his shoulder and saw Bellatrix striding quickly toward them, her group of friends following suit.

 

“Sirius, Peter, let’s go now.”

 

Sirius struggled out of James’ grip and wheeled toward his cousin a few feet away. Her face crumpled in fury and the two of them stood, surrounded by people, but staring only at each other. Bellatrix stopped, their glares angry enough to reduce the other to ash. Without speaking, or breaking the fierce eye contact between them, Sirius leaned forward and spat at her feet.

 

Then, James was pulling his sleeve,  and Peter was grabbing the papers at their feet, and suddenly, they were rushing down the stairs. Their feet pounded down, down, down, as the boys ran, ducking randomly from the spells that they knew were being fired at them. A burst of yellow caught the corner of Sirius’ eye, but James continued to pull him forward. Peter lagged behind and James grabbed his sleeve too, glancing back to see Bellatrix coming after them.

“How dare you! I’ll tell Aunt Walburga about this Sirius! You won’t…”

Her voice trailed behind them and faded as they sprinted down a passageway they had never seen before, not stopping until they had thrown themselves into the Gryffindor common room.

 

Peter slouched against the wall, looking half dead. He panted for a moment before opening his mouth to speak.

 

“What the bloody hell did you do that for?”

 

Sirius turned and glared down at him.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

James shook his head.

 

“Really, mate. I know they’re assholes but pick your battles. There were nine of them, and three of us, and they were all at least three years older.”

 

Sirius exploded.

 

“Well, what was I supposed to do? Just walk away and say nothing? I didn’t bloody start this! I was sitting there when that git came up to me and started prying about my family, and about all of you, pretending like he wanted to be friends, when Bellatrix obviously put him up to it! She’s batshit crazy! She sent another first year to spy on me and that…” Sirius struggled for words, “that _fucking arsehole_ went along with. What? I’m just supposed to sit there and take it?”

 

Peter darted his eyes between them and slouched further into the wall. Some of the students were looking at them now, and James stretched a hand out to Sirius but couldn’t reach. his arm stayed stretched forward for a moment, before dropping to his side again.

 

“Yeah, I know mate” Sirius stared angrily back at James, breathing heavily,“but we’re just saying it was risky to tick her off like that. Fucking brilliant, but risky.”

 

The two boys paused, and after a moment Sirius cracked a smile. James started to grin back.

 

“It felt pretty brilliant.”

 

“Let’s hope she doesn’t come looking for revenge, though,” Peter added.

 

Sirius shook his head, “Oh, she will. But now that we’ve had one wildly successful prank…”

 

James snorted, “Wildly successful? Maybe for you. Pete and I will be grooming Filch’s cat-slash-demon for the next three weeks.”

 

Sirius laughed, all anger gone.

 

“I’d call that a success.”

 

***

 

The morning light always hurt the most. Remus squeezed his eyes shut and let out a shaky breath, half awake, and tried to shut out the bright light that was slicing through him like a knife. It made his eyes ache and head pound, and Remus wanted to return to the darkness he had been dragged out of. It was too damn bright on this side.  Absently, Remus realized there was a stream of heat trickling down his chest. He touched his stomach, dragged his finger up to his face, and watched red drops fall from his fingers to the ground. _I must be bleeding._ The world was already fading out. He was tired, far too tired to be conscious.

  
The world was falling, farther and farther away, and all of the light from the windows and the sound of his rasping breath was blending into a tangle of senses. Two warm hands touched his shoulder, and a voice whispered _hold on dear… just a moment longer… you're going to be okay_


	6. chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus trailed off, and the words hung hopelessly in the air between them waiting for Remus to finish. Sirius was staring back, challenging Remus to finish the sentence, almost pleading with him. But Remus didn’t. It didn’t need to be said. After a moment, Sirius deflated, almost disappointed, and stepped back from the bed. 
> 
> “Not everyone is lucky enough to have parents like yours, Remus.”
> 
> With that, Sirius retreated into the shadows, holding the spot on his arm that Remus had tried to touch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this is short and late, but I hope you guys enjoy anyway. Hopefully, the next chapter will be a bit longer and more action-packed, but I'm really busy, so I'm just trying to write what I can. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Day was just beginning to break over the dorm room when Remus stepped in. The boys were still sleeping quietly in their beds, and when Remus checked the clock beside the door he saw that it was only 4:30. Outside the windows, the world was still dark save for a sliver of light that was creeping up from the horizon, and his bones ached as if alerting him to the still full moon that hung in the sky. It hung proudly at the top, shining a slice of light across the wood flooring, and Remus carefully stepped around it, clicking the door behind him as he did. Just two days before, he had been broken and contorted and transformed by the same moon, but it looked less menacing now, more like a reminder than a threat. 

 

Remus crept across the floorboards of the room, the wood creaking under him despite the care in his steps. He pushed himself onto the bed, wincing at the pain that shot through his legs and arms, and sat propped up on the pillows. He knew he should probably sleep. The pounding in his head and the weariness of his body made that much clear, but for the first time since the moon, Remus’ head was clear and the world felt calm and quiet. Instead, Remus turned his head to the side and watched the light beyond the trees slowly grow. As he did, he heard the soft sweep of curtains being pulled open and footsteps cross the wood between his bed and the others. The footsteps crept to a stop, and Remus sat silently, waiting for them to speak. 

 

“You’re back.”

 

Sirius voice drifted between them and James turned in his bed. Without hesitation or invitation, Sirius sat down on the edge of the bed and looked at Remus searchingly. Remus nodded.

 

“I am.”

 

Sirius swung the curtain partially shut and cast a silencing charm.

 

“Where were you?” 

 

“What are you doing awake, Sirius?”

 

“I asked first.”

 

“I was with my mum. She’s sick.”

 

“Why?”

 

Remus wrinkled up his nose and frowned at Sirius.

 

“I don’t know. Why do people get sick?”

 

Sirius shook his head slightly impatiently.

 

“No, why did you need to be with her?”

 

“Why do you care?”

 

“Because you’re my friend.”

 

Sirius looked at him with a determined expression that seemed almost indignant, as if daring Remus to refute it. Remus sighed. 

 

“She has cancer. It’s a muggle disease that makes people weak and can sometimes kill them if the doctor’s don’t make it better. My dad needs me home once a month to help him. He wants me to spend more time with her.”

 

Remus had expected his words to stumble or his hands to shake, but the lie had slipped past his mouth effortlessly. The words tasted like oil in his mouth, slick and too rich. Remus felt a guilt in the pit of his stomach and below that, a bit of pride.  Sirius just nodded slowly, his features solemn.

 

“I’m sorry,” He paused, “I hope she gets better.”

 

Remus looked at Sirius and waited for him to stand up or maybe break the silence.  Sirius reclined back against Remus’ bedpost, showing no intention of moving.They sat in comfortable silence, the breath of the others lulling them into their own thoughts. Remus  absentmindedly traced the scar on his hand. After a moment, Sirius spoke. 

 

“Where did you get that, then?”

 

Remus was jerked out of his thoughts, and raised his eyes to meet Sirius’ stare. 

 

“What do you mean?

 

Sirius eyebrows were furrowed and he nodded towards the hand Remus held in his lap. 

 

“Your scar, where did you get it?”

 

“Sliced my hand cutting up vegetables.”

Remus moved his hand to his side, and Sirius watched him shrewdly. 

 

“It’s a pretty deep cut.”

 

“Guess I was just careless.”

 

They were dancing around something. Remus didn’t know what. 

 

“Where’s that other one from, then? The one on your collarbone?”

 

Remus opened his mouth uselessly and moved his collar to cover it. He had thought no one would notice. He usually didn’t get scars every moon, but nevertheless his body was riddled with them. One more didn’t matter. It was just one more mark on an already destroyed canvas. Apparently it had mattered to Sirius. 

 

“It’s from…” 

 

Remus began to speak, hoping the words would come, but as he looked up at Sirius he saw the sadness and the knowledge in his face. Sirius wouldn’t believe whatever was coming next. The words died in Remus’ mouth.

 

“Remus,” Sirius spoke slowly and , “Do your parents…”

 

Remus frowned.

 

“Do my parents what?”

 

Sirius’ mouth worked uselessly, and for a moment, he no longer looked like the boy who fought Slytherins in the hallways. His shoulders were slumped and his hands were dug deeply into his pockets. Finally Sirius settled on the words. 

 

“Are the scars… Did you get them from… them?”

 

Remus continued to frown at Sirius, unsure of what he meant. Sirius looked back at him, his eyes softened with fear and hesitance, and Remus stomach dropped.

 

“No. No. Why would you even ask me that? That’s sick. What kind of parent does that?”

 

Sirius looked as if he had been hit. All of the vulnerability that had been in his eyes disappeared, and in a flash, his features hardened and became emotionless.

 

“You’re right. Stupid question. I won’t keep bothering you.”

 

Sirius began to stand and Remus lunged forward his hand reaching out to grab Sirius’ wrist. He didn’t know what he had been thinking, and some animal instinct had told him to reach out, to reassure, without really knowing what to say.  His fingers grazed Sirius’, and Sirius recoiled away, flinching like Remus had stood up and slapped him. He had crumpled inwards in a second, and Remus stayed like that, his fingers outstretched but just falling short, unable to take his eyes off the expression on Sirius’ face. It was one of the worst feelings. The inability to do anything but watch Sirius’ face, twisted up with years of pain, and hope that a brush of fingers would be enough even though never would. Remus couldn’t heal, or help, only sit, frozen, his stomach sinking lower and lower. 

 

“Sirius…”

 

Grey eyes were looking back at him now. They reflected the light of the morning and were waiting for Remus to speak, to do anything.  Remus tasted copper in his mouth and unclenched his jaw. 

 

“Sirius… Do your parents ever…”

 

Remus trailed off, and the words hung hopelessly in the air between them waiting for Remus to finish. Sirius was staring back, challenging Remus to finish the sentence, almost pleading with him. But Remus didn’t. It didn’t need to be said. After a moment, Sirius deflated, almost disappointed, and stepped back from the bed. 

 

“Not everyone is lucky enough to have parents like yours, Remus.”

 

With that, Sirius retreated into the shadows, holding the spot on his arm that Remus had tried to touch. 

 

***

 

He had been pushing it out of his mind since breakfast. Maybe not breakfast, because although Remus had promised himself he would sleep before the sun came up, it hadn’t  happened. More like since Remus had heard Sirius climb back into bed and since they had laid awake listening to the other pretend to sleep until the sun came up. They hadn’t talked about it, and when James asked Remus where he had been all weekend, all Remus got was a pat on the back and a few  _ I’m sorry _ ’s at his response. 

 

One good thing, though, was that Remus had a lot to distract him from the thoughts that nagged at him. Firstly, he had learned that Professor Binns was completely oblivious to anything and everything happening in his classroom and would probably continue to preach about the goblin wars, something Remus’ father had already taught him, even if the school burned down then and there. Thanks to James and Peter, this led to Remus learning how to make a paper airplane. 

 

“Fold like this, see? You have to make a sharp crease or it won’t fly.” 

 

Peter fumbled with the folds of the parchment as both James and Remus watched him intently. James had spun himself around and was sitting backwards in his chair while Sirius leaned back his feet propped up on the desk.

 

“What do you mean it won’t fly?”

 

James wrinkled his brow and picked up the plane examining it.

 

“Well, if it’s too loose it doesn’t fly through the air as well. Physics and stuff.” 

 

Peter explained, reaching out for the airplane. 

 

“Just charm it.”

 

Peter shrugged.

 

“Yeah, I guess, but that defeats the point of it.”

 

Remus took the plane from James, looking at it. 

 

“Then what’s the point of it?” 

 

Peter shook his head. 

 

“I don’t know. To hit people with when you’re bored in class. It’s modeled after a muggle invention.”

 

James smacked Sirius’ arm to get his attention, almost toppling him out of his chair.

 

“To hit people with, huh? Sirius, look at this.”

 

Before Remus could say anything, or reach out his hand and take the airplane from James who had a dangerous glint in his eye, James drew his elbow back as far as it could go and aimed at the corner of the room. Sirius was watching as well, with a smirk on his face, and Remus followed his eyes to a small greasy looking boy who Remus always saw with Lily, sitting at a desk in the front.

 

“Five galleons if I can hit Snivellus without any magic.”

 

Sirius grinned. 

 

“You’re on.”

 

James pulled his arm back farther, narrowed his eye and let go. The airplane sailed in a perfect arc over the desks of sleeping students, before dropping and sailing towards the corner of the room. Remus heard Peter take in a breath and in the same moment the airplane collided with Lily’s head. 

 

“What the hell, Potter!”

 

The entire class had turned in their direction, some half awake and some laughing at James who was grinning confidently. Professor Binns continued teaching. 

 

“Sorry, wasn’t aiming for you.”

 

“Yeah? Who were you aiming for then?”

 

Lily had stood up out of her chair and was striding towards their table, her hands balled in fists. The window was open. Perhaps Remus could use that as an escape route and avoid being called in as a murder witness. It was too late now, though. Lily was standing in front of them her eyes on fire. 

 

“You know, Lily, if you don’t want to have things thrown at you I would suggest not sitting next to Snivellus.”

 

Lily looked as if she were about to explode, and her cheeks had turned that special shade of red that seemed only to be possible when James Potter opened his mouth.

 

“You know, Potter, if you don’t want me to slap you, I’d suggest you stop tormenting my friends.”

 

“Oooh...sounds like a date. How about Madam Puddifoot's at four?”

“You’re delusional” Lily spat. 

 

“Hard to think straight when you’re around.”

 

It had been nice knowing James, Remus thought. It was sort of a shame that he had only got to have a roommate for a month.

 

“Say one more thing and you won’t be able to think at all.”

 

“One more thing.”

 

Lily raised her wand and as she did, the bell rang, and the class let out a collective breath. Professor Binns continued teaching.

 

“You are-” Lily struggled with words her mouth working uselessly, “you are  _ bloody  _ unbelievable.”

 

As James opened up his mouth to respond, a cocky smile playing on his lips, Lily rounded on Remus. 

 

“And I can’t believe that you’re friends with these two,” Lily looked at James and Sirius disdainfully, “You could do so much better.” 

 

James smile fell. Remus looked between them, his brain grappling for something to say. If he could find the words to tell Lily that James didn’t mean it, or to tell his friends that Lily was hurt, and felt that she needed to defend Snape, he would have. Their eyes bored into him, tied and waiting for his vote to come in.

 

Remus’ reached his hand out,“Lils-” 

 

She was already out the door, though, bookbag and ponytail swinging behind her. Remus watched her leave, and turned back to his friends, who were frowning to themselves. He held his hand in his lap, and refused to meet their eyes. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the night had poured in, and after the boys had wrapped themselves in their cloaks, shivering from the dark but still feeling warm somehow, they let quietness settle over them. The stars began to fade into the moonless sky and the tower flickered with light from the lamps mounted on the wall. Sirius rolled his head to the side and leaned up against the tower to look at Remus.
> 
>  
> 
> “If we get caught, do you think it was worth it?”
> 
>  
> 
> Remus paused for a moment, then nodded.
> 
>  
> 
> “Yes.”
> 
>  
> 
> Sirius smiled, and Remus couldn’t help but softly smile back.
> 
>  
> 
> “Yeah, me too.”

“Sirius.”

 

James whispered, the word filling up the darkness of the dormitory. Remus opened his eyes slightly and waited for the response.

 

“What?”

 

“Halloween is in two days.”

 

“It’s like midnight, mate.”

 

For a moment, they slipped back into silence. An owl hooted outside the window, and Remus closed his eyes again. 

 

“We should do something. Like a prank.”

 

“Just us?”

 

“No. All of us. But you have to get Remus to agree. We need him.”

 

Remus cleared his throat. 

 

“Why do  _ I  _ have to get him to agree?”

 

“You guys talk a lot, don't you? Or I can talk to him. It doesn't matter, I suppose. I know Pete will go along with it, but we need the whole team on this. It's got to be spectacular.”

 

Peter’s voice called out groggily, “You know everyone can hear you, right? We live in a room with four people.”

 

For a moment, no one responded. James coughed slightly and flicked on the light beside his bed.

 

“Hey, mates.”

 

“Hey, James,” the boys mumbled back.

 

“Okay, so now that this has been opened up for discussion-”

 

Remus sighed and pulled himself up onto his forearms. 

 

“Why are we talking about this now? Instead of, I don't know, literally any other time?”

 

“Remus, Remus, Remus,” James shook his head, “it is a well-known fact that the best ideas are produced between midnight and two am.”

 

“Yeah, a well-known fact you just made up” Sirius grumbled. 

 

Remus buried his face in his pillow and pulled his covers over his head. The world was pulled into darkness again and their voices became low and muffled. His eyes slipped shut and his thoughts slowed down, and… his bed jolted forward with the force of a massive amount of weight hitting it at top speed. Remus threw his pillow to the side. 

 

“What the bloody hell?”

 

All three of them were sitting on his bed now, James sprawled across the end of it, evidently having leaped there from a bunk over. Remus scrambled up and hit his head against the bedpost, drawing his feet toward himself. 

 

“Anyway, as I was saying-”

 

Remus closed his eyes again and prayed for silence, or maybe a tranquilizer. James fixed his eyes on the three of them and straightened himself up, as if he was about to give a speech.

 

“We need to prank the hell out of the school. We started off strong with our first prank, maybe a little underwhelming, ‘cause I think we can do better... but now we have to secure our legacy. It's Halloween. The timing has never been better. Think about it lads, if you could do anything, right now, no rules, nothing, what would you do?”

 

“Sleep” Remus mumbled.

 

James snapped his fingers and pointed at Remus.

 

“Anything but that.”

 

Sirius leaned back on the bed crossing his arms behind his head. 

 

“Cake.”

 

Peter shot up.

 

“Yeah, I second that.”

 

James leaned forward, pushed his glasses up on his nose, and examined the boys around him. 

 

“Yeah… okay… that’s a start. But how do we get the cake?”

 

***

 

Minutes ticked off the clock and slid out the window onto the grounds, the boys too caught up in their planning to watch the time going by. They huddled around a piece of parchment that James had summoned from his bed, their heads bent together, scribbling quickly. As the sky deepened to black and then slowly began to fade to dark blue again, all of them gave up on sleep. Remus’ eyes were heavy and his head was swimming, but between two and three in the morning, he had stopped noticing. Hours later, James put the quill down and stared at the piece of parchment in front of them. It had been marked up and scribbled up, torn and splattered with ink, but they looked at it with a sort of crazy reverence. James put his quill down, examined the paper, then turned to the boys and nodded. 

 

“It’s enough. This is perfect.”

 

Sirius craned his neck over James’ shoulder to read what they had written.

 

“We start tomorrow?” He asked. 

 

James nodded and turned to the group.

 

“Does everyone know what they have to do? We have two days, and that’s it. Nothing can go wrong”

 

Peter frowned,“Yeah...” He looked up from the curtain he had been fiddling with and flitted his eyes around the group, “but are we ready?”

 

James grinned back at them and rolled the paper up in his hand.

 

“We’re ready.”

 

***

 

Marissa Gemmen was only known for two things. Her ability to attach herself to people who didn’t particularly want her, and her love for spreading gossip in all of its forms. Lucky for her, these two went hand in hand. Her constant orbit around a friendship or conversation that had nothing to do with her allowed her to pick up scraps of stories and carry them far from where they were supposed to be. What she didn’t know, was that this talent for spreading rumors made her the perfect way to take the blame that should go to the four boys, and spread it out recklessly. 

 

Lily poked Remus with her fork from across the Dining Hall table. 

 

“Are you excited for the Feast tomorrow?”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t think I’m going.”

 

Lily put down her fork, frowning at Remus. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Marissa tuck a lock of hair behind her ear and lean closer. 

 

“Why wouldn’t you go?” Lily asked.

 

Remus shook his head and leaned forward, whispering just loud enough for Marissa to hear.

 

“You haven’t heard?”

 

“Heard what?”

 

“The rumors. About what’s going to happen at the Halloween feast.”

 

Lily ducked her head forward and drew her eyebrows together in confusion. Remus took this as a cue to continue.

 

“I figured everyone knew,” He shrugged slightly, “A couple days ago, some historians from the Ministry of Magic were searching through some caves down in Whales. There had been some reports of magical activity in the area, and I don’t know, I guess they thought there might be something there. Anyway, while they were looking, they found a scroll in one of the tunnels that dated back to a wizarding community in the area from the Middle Ages. It had this warning.”

 

Remus slid a torn piece of paper across the table to Lily. Marissa pretended to yawn and craned her neck over Lily’s shoulder. Remus raised his voice slightly and continued.

 

“It’s about a monster called the  _ Torreo _ . They described as a mix between a demon, a dementor, and a ghost. No one knows anything about it, except that it only appears when summoned, on Halloween, and when it does, it preys upon magical children, possessing them and draining them of their powers. It wreaks havoc and was said to be one of the most powerful magical beings in the known world, but it hasn’t appeared for hundreds of years.”

 

Lily skimmed her eyes over the newspaper clipping.

 

“What makes it so powerful?”

 

“The fact that it’s so rare, I guess. There have only been a few recorded incidents, so no one knows how to stop it. Maybe because not many people have lived to tell the tale.”

 

Marissa dropped her fork, clattering it against the edge of her plate, before quickly looking down again. Lily shook her head.

 

“And you found this in the Daily Prophet?”

 

Peter, as it turned out, was quite good at writing fake news articles, and Sirius, at forging ancient scrolls. Remus hadn’t bothered to ask about either. He didn't want to know.

 

“Of course, where else would I find it?”

 

Lily chewed on her lip before pushing the article back to Remus and shaking her head.

 

“But it’s fine, right? Doesn’t it have to be summoned before it appears on Halloween? How does anyone know that anything will even happen?”

 

Remus shrugged.

 

“We don’t. But there’s been rumors that someone in the school is trying to summon it and that it will appear during the feast. They say that once someone summons it, they get unlimited amounts of power, and that’s why it’s so hard. It’s probably all gossip, though. Just to get a scare out of us.”

 

“How would someone summon it?”

 

“I don’t know. No one does, really. They say that it takes centuries old magic, the kind that Merlin himself used. Once you do, though, the three plagues appear, one after another, until the last one brings the beast itself. ”

 

Marissa stared back at him, not even bothering to hide that fact that she was listening. Remus folded up the paper, slipping it into his pocket, and leaned back in his chair.Lily frowned. 

 

“How do you know all this?”

 

Remus shrugged.

 

“I read.”

 

“And what are the three plagues?” Marissa asked.

 

She was leaning close to them now, her eyes set with worry.

 

“First comes darkness. Then all the water turns to blood. Lastly, a plague of bats appears moments before the Torreo itself does.”

 

“And what does the Torreo look like?” A girl that Remus recognized as one of Lily’s friends, Mary, leaned forward.

 

Remus shook his head.

 

“No one knows. There have been all sorts of stories, though. Some say like a dementor, some say like a dark mass, and some say it takes the form of your worst nightmare.”

 

Lily smiled slightly and reached across the table for a piece of toast.

 

“I wouldn’t think too much about it, Remus. I doubt anybody here could summon it, if it’s even real. I’ll start worrying once all the water turns to blood, or whatever.”

 

Remus nodded.

 

“Yeah, it’s probably nothing..”

 

As Remus turned back to his breakfast, smiling to himself, Marissa leaned forward. 

 

“Can I borrow that article?”

 

***

 

Rumors had spread like wildfire. Marissa had evidently run off and told her friends who had told their friends, who had told theirs, which spread the gossip to the Hufflepuffs, who had quite a few Slytherin friends, who had, in turn, found it necessary to tell the Ravenclaws. It was bullshit, and absolutely true, and probably not a big deal and at the same time a catastrophe, if you listened to the talk in the halls. All the fire needed was to be stoked, and luckily, after spending all day Saturday in the library, the boys had found the perfect thing to do it. It was a simple potion, really. By three o'clock, Sirius had stolen all the ingredients. By four, James had started brewing it. And by six thirty-seven Saturday night, they were ready. 

 

James held the potion up to the dim light of the corridor. As he swirled the concoction in its vial the liquid crumbled to dust leaving nothing but black ashes at the bottom.

 

“Is it supposed to do that?” Peter leaned over James’ shoulder.

 

James nodded.

 

“Yeah, they say that although it’s brewed like a potion, it turns into a powder when activated.”

 

“And, it’ll work? For the whole hallway?” Sirius asked, leaning forward to peer into the vial before looking up at James and raising his eyebrow.

 

“If all goes to plan,” James grinned back.

 

Slowly, the rumble of hundreds of pairs of feet began to shake the ground behind them, and chatter floated up the empty stairwells. From their corner on the fifth floor hallway, the parade of Gryffindor students coming back from dinner came into view. The boys inched out, still shoulder to shoulder, before darting forward dispersing themselves into the oncoming crowd. Remus saw in the sea of hands, James’ fist, still clutching the small vial. The crowd moved forward, sweeping the students along the dimly lit corridor towards the common room. As Remus walked forward he heard a boy ask his friend “ _ Have you heard about what’s happening on Halloween?” _

 

Then, glass shattered on the floor. In a second, all the lights had been extinguished and darkness smothered the hallway. Remus reached his hand out, expecting to tangle it on the tangible blackness, but instead tangled it in a first-year girl’s hair.

 

The crowd stopped. 

 

“What was that?”

 

“Where are the lights?”

 

“My wand won’t work! Why can’t I use _l_ _ umos!  _ It’s not working!”

 

“McGonagall!”

 

The voices rose higher and higher fighting over each other and calling out to no one in particular. An elbow on Remus’ left shot out and doubled him over. Someone pushed him from behind, and Remus tripped into the girl in front of him who broke into a run.

 

“Where are the lights?”

 

“Someone turn on the lights!”

 

“It’s the toRREO!”

 

Feet pounded forward, and Remus was tossed side to side as the corridor was rushed with students running blindly forward. People were screaming now, yelling out to each other, and falling into one another. Remus groped for his wand and whispered  _ lumos _ . Nothing happened. 

 

“It’s the Torreo! The Torreo!” A girl shrieked from far down the hall.

 

“Darkness! It’s the first plague!”

 

“Shut up!” A seventh year yelled back.

 

People were screaming loudly now. They were calling out for their friends and yelling enchantments at the darkness. The crowd surged and halted, attempting to run away from whatever had sucked all the light out of the castle. 

 

In the next moment, the lights flooded on, and students reeled back, blinking from the adjustment. The corridor stood as it always had, and for a moment, no one dared break the silence. They all stared at each other confused and slightly embarrassed, looking over their shoulders for a hulking shadow, or maybe McGonagall. After a few moments of blinking, a Gryffindor Prefect turned to the crowd.

 

“What are you doing? Run!”

 

The rest of Saturday night passed in a blur. By the time the Gryffindors had sprinted their way down the fifth floor corridor, up several flights of stairs, past a confused Flitwick, to the Fat Lady’s portrait hole, it had been agreed upon that the Torreo was the cause of the sudden darkness, and somehow, also, Gryffindors loss to Slytherin in last week’s Quidditch game. The boys allowed themselves to be pushed slowly by the crowd approaching the portrait hole and strained their ears to listen to the chatter on all sides of them.

 

“I’m telling you. It’s here. I bet one of the Slytherins summoned it.”

 

“Why do you always make Slytherins out to be the bad ones, Camus? And The Torreo is not-”

 

“Don’t say its name!”

 

“Why?”

 

The third year, Camus, turned his head and quickly looked around.

 

“I heard its name brings bad luck. It attracts it or something.”

 

Remus glanced at Sirius, Peter, and James who were standing beside him now, and suppressed a laugh. James grinned back at him, and as he turned his attention away from the crowd to look at Remus, was jostled back into Peter by a fourth year girl.

 

“Sorry, love,” She said barely looking over her shoulder before turning to her friend and whispering,“My dad said he encountered one. Said it was the scariest thing he ever saw. It still gives him nightmares.”

 

Sirius scoffed and Peter began to laugh. Remus turned around and fixed them with a glare.

 

“Be quiet.”

 

Remus looked around at the students surrounding them who had packed themselves together tightly and were talking with their heads down in lowered voices.

 

“I think it’s working.”

 

***

 

“Sirius do you have all your blood?” James called out.

 

Five massive steel vats, each as long as a student and three feet tall, floated precariously into the maintenance room, tilting and swaying as they did. 

 

“Right here, mate.”

 

Peter raised his eyebrows.

 

“How did you get that here?”

 

Sirius flicked his wand and the barrels slammed into the ground shaking the shelves in the maintenance room and making the pipes above them sway. Sirius ruffled his hair as if nothing had happened.

 

“It was easy, really. Just placed an order from Merlin’s Mayhem Emporium for 2,500 liters of Multipurpose Red Color Changing Dye to be delivered in one day’s time, instructed for them to be delivered through the windows in the Astronomy tower, and intercepted them so I could levitate them down here under the invisibility cloak.”

 

Remus looked up from the corner and began to laugh. Sirius frowned.

 

“What?”

 

“You used an invisibility cloak?”

 

Sirius pulled a face.

 

“I didn’t want to be caught.”

 

Remus laughed harder. 

 

“What?!” 

 

“What’s the point of wearing an invisibility cloak if you’re accompanied by vats of food dye the size of Hippogriffs?”

 

Sirius frowned.

 

“Deniability.”

 

James stood up and brushed the cobwebs off of his shirt that had come loose from the earthquake the barrels had caused. He raised his wrist up and checked his watch, his leg jiggling, and hand running through his hair.

 

“Okay. It’s 7:45. The girls are probably already awake and in the bathroom, even if the boys are still sleeping, let’s go.”

 

The boys nodded to each other, and Sirius flicked his wrist again, straining to keep the barrels in the air.

 

“Sirius, you have as much food coloring as we need? You followed Remus’ calculations?” James asked, ducking a vat flew too low.

 

Sirius gestured towards the vats and shrugged. 

 

“Okay, great. We should get going. Lead the way to the reservoir, Peter.”

 

The maintenance room was small, and Remus had to crouch down to avoid being clocked by Sirius as Peter unlocked the door. After Sirius had levitated the vats through the doorway, the other boys followed, quiet and almost reverent, none of them confident enough to say a word. Sirius slowly lowered his hand and they watched in silence as he carried the barrels to the ground of the room they had entered. It was like all of the other plumbing and maintenance rooms that they had found by pure trial and error, it was dark, covered in pipes, and eternally making one of them cough up dust, the only difference being that this room was massive. It was the size of the Quidditch pitch, maybe a bit smaller, and the only thing inside was a whirlpool of water that stretched almost to the edge of the room, leaving only a thin strip of ground to stand on. The water was in constant motion, twisting and diving over itself as if guided by an invisible hand.

 

Sirius leaned forward and stretched his foot out, leaning lower and lower until it almost touched the waves below. Remus reached out and put his hand on Sirius’ elbow.

 

“Watch out, Sirius. This is where they put the bad students. If you get too many detentions they throw you in here.”

 

Peter made a face.

 

“Yeah, you’ll end up in Moaning Myrtle’s toilet.”

 

It took surprisingly little effort to crack open 2,000 liters of food dye. It took even less effort to pour 2,000 Liters of food dye into Hogwarts main water supply. The plan was this; they would obtain the dye from a joke shop that James swore his life on, it was supposed to be magical and integrate seamlessly into any material without clumping like the muggle stuff, they would pour it into the reservoir, and they would watch, innocently, as the Professors struggled to separate the mix of muggle and wizarding technology that was about to contaminate all of the water for the next day. There was only one problem.

 

James looked up from the pool before them, now boiling different hues of red and pink from the coloring, and checked his watch.

 

“We have exactly six minutes before this dyes the whole supply and makes from the piping system to the faucets.”

 

Peter frowned and stepped back from the pool.

 

“Wait, so what do we do?”

 

“Run!”

 

The boys tore forward without a glance back, sprinting as fast as their legs could carry them, out of the maintenance rooms, into an empty corridor, past the Slytherin dungeons and up the stairs. As Sirius bounded up to the top of a moving staircase he spun around and grabbed James by the shoulder. 

 

“What about the vats! We left them there! They’ll find it!”

 

James stumbled to a halt and looked up and down the hall in panic.

 

“Shit!” 

 

“Leave them!” Remus pushed the three boys forward and continued to sprint toward Gryffindor tower.

 

James shoved open the door to their dormitory with seconds to spare, and all four collapsed onto the ground panting. The adrenaline had carried them faster than any of them could run and Peter was breathing as if someone had removed his lung. Just when Remus was going to gasp through his breathing to ask if Pete needed help or was, perhaps, dying, they heard a scream.

 

“OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT’S BLOOD! IT’S BLOOD!”

 

A boy’s voice rang through the hallway, breaking the slow quiet of the early morning, and shocking the boys into standing position. The world erupted into cacophony. Every girl, boy, and student in Gryffindor house seemed to be screaming at once, their voices echoing from the girls' dorms all the way down to the common rooms. Older students doing homework down below began to sprint up the staircases to the dorms as the unlucky ones who had been trying to take a shower, or wash their hands, came bursting out of their dorm room bathrooms. 

 

“THE WATER TURNED TO BLOOD! IT TURNED TO BLOOD! DON’T TOUCH IT!” A second year boy screamed from his doorway, waving his hands that were now red and dripping onto his uniform, at the students rushing up the stairs. 

 

Finally, a girl’s voice hollered above them all, “IT’S THE TORREO! WATER TO BLOOD! IT’S THE SECOND PLAGUE!”

 

All four boys looked at one another, and grinned.

 

***

 

The school had never been more on edge. No Quidditch match or exam could bring the amount of tension that had been hovering in the air since Sunday morning. There had been talk of the  _ Torreo, _ there had been accusations made, someone had suggested a trial for the people suspected of summoning it, and there had been multiple attempts to reverse the effects on the water supply. Even after the students had discovered it wasn’t blood, the first years refused to use the water, and the poor students who had been showering at the time were still dyed red. Half the school thought it was a prank, and the other half had taken to walking their arms linked together, and wands outstretched wherever they went. Despite this, nothing seemed capable of keeping anyone away from the Halloween Feast. 

 

“Attention students. Before we begin, I would like to say a few words.”

 

Dumbledore’s voice rang over the clamor of the Great Hall. He cleared his throat before continuing. 

 

“I know that the events of today have been traumatic indeed, but I hope that this will not spoil the feast we have laid out for us. There is nothing dangerous lurking here at Hogwarts, nor will there be in the future, and I can promise you all that you are safe from the so called  _ Torreo _ , although such a thing does not exist. When the students behind this mischief are caught, these rumours can finally be put to rest. Until then, let us enjoy the Halloween feast!”

 

With a flick of his wand, piles of food appeared onto the tables, and students lunged forward, hoping to get to it before their classmates. All kinds of meats, vegetables, and roast potatoes were laid out on platters, and the edges of the piles of food almost pushed the student’s plates off the table. The boys sat in awe, taking in the sight of the feast before them. 

 

James checked his watch.

 

“We have 3 minutes, lads. Someone locate the cake.”

 

Peter craned his neck down the table, before pointing a few feet away.

 

“There!”

 

Remus’ arm shot out and he pushed Peter’s hand back.

 

“Try to be more inconspicuous, would you?”

 

Chilly air wafted down from the ceiling. It was blanketed with stars that had been spelled to appear on the glass to mimic the night sky, but if you knew where to look, you could see that one of the panes on the far end of the ceiling had been opened, and a navy blue strip of sky broke the darkness. Remus examined this light strip of sky and hoped that the other students were too absorbed in their food to notice. He turned to James.

 

“James, how much time is left?”

 

“About a minute, give or take. They come out of their sleeping places and fly this way to the forest every day at sunset.”

 

Peter looked up at the strip of sky.

 

“And if there’s no castle in the way, they’ll fly through it, instead of around it, right? That’s why we opened the window?”

 

Before any of the boys could answer, the horizon began to dot with specks of black. The spots of black grew and grew until they became a mass of bats slowly moving closer to the castle. Then, the bats were swarming in through the ceiling and descending upon the Great Hall, their wings beating against each other and filling up the room with a deafening roar. In a second, chaos erupted and all that could be seen or heard was thousands of bats, now confused as to where they were, and the screams of the students who were ducking and jumping up from their seats in terror. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw Sirius dive across the table and pull the massive platter of cake out of reach of the other students. 

 

Then they were running again. They gripped onto each other’s robes, weaving in and out of the screaming crowd, and pulled each other up the stairs as their feet stumbled over themselves. Remus’ legs hurt, and he was gasping, and he barely had room to breath, but he was laughing like he hadn’t in a long time, like he maybe never had. The cake clocked his head as Sirius’ levitation charm failed, and then they were tripping over each other a jumble of nerves, and adrenaline, and fear. Students crossed their path, and screams of  _ “It’s coming! It’s the Torreo”  _ echoed behind them as they turned out of the mindless crowd and down an empty corridor. Remus didn’t know where they were going, and he didn’t care. They were running up, up, up, and Peter was shouting something through gasps for breath, and James was laughing, and then they were collapsing, again, in a heap of triumph on the floor of the astronomy tower, where Sirius had lead them. The light had almost faded from the sky and from Remus’ upside down view a flurry of bats flew away from the grounds. 

 

After far too much cake, so much that Remus thought that he may have to throw it all up off the edge of the tower, they were still laying there, legs crossed over one anothers as night slipped in. 

Sirius leaned back, popping a stolen pumpkin pasty into his mouth.

 

“McGonagall’s going to blow a fuse if she finds us up here.”

 

James shrugged.

 

“It’s not like she’ll know it was us that let all those bats in.”

 

Remus laughed.

 

“Really, James? You don’t think she’ll put it together? Who goes for the dessert when they think a soul sucking beast is about to appear in the middle of the Great Hall?”

 

James pointed at Remus, popping another chocolate in his mouth.

 

“Hey, it’s called having priorities.”

 

Remus laughed and relaxed back against the wall of the tower, closing his eyes.

After the night had poured in, and after the boys had wrapped themselves in their cloaks, shivering from the dark but still feeling warm somehow, they let quietness settle over them. The stars began to fade into the moonless sky and the tower flickered with light from the lamps mounted on the wall. Sirius rolled his head to the side and leaned up against the  tower to look at Remus.

 

“If we get caught, do you think it was worth it?”

 

Remus paused for a moment, then nodded.

 

“Yes.”

 

Sirius smiled, and Remus couldn’t help but softly smile back.

 

“Yeah, me too.”

 

They both fell back into silence for a moment, letting the breeze and sounds of the night shift around them, until Peter sat up and looked at them.

 

“Me too. But instead of making up a fake monster, and tricking the entire school into believing they were going to be eaten, so that they’d flee the feast, and we could steal the dessert, we could have just used all that time and energy to try to find the door to the kitchens, instead-”All three boys turned and looked at him,“Just saying. If we wanted cake that would’ve been easier...” 

 

Sirius shook his head.

 

“That would’ve been a mighty fuckin’ bright idea to have had three days ago, mate.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see it's not all sad!! happy april fools everyone


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They stood there, staring at each other for a moment, neither of them sure what to say, and neither of them ready to walk away. There was something else. Something that should be said. Something besides I’m sorry, something about Remus’ scars and Sirius’ curiosity, something that they were both too afraid to say. Maybe a question, or a word, or an accusation, but even if they did know what it was, they probably wouldn’t have spoken it aloud. Instead, neither broke the silence, and Remus smiled slightly, turning away to walk down the stairs. Sirius watched him go and collapsed on his bed, wracking his mind, trying something, somebody, left to hold on to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyy! I hope you like this chapter. It's a bit less action-packed than others because lots will be happening in the chapters that are coming up. I want to get them done as quickly as possible, but unfortunately, my life never stops being crazy so we'll see. Please let me know if you read/enjoy! pleasE!

_ Dear Regulus,  _

_ How's home? Is mother still angry with me? I don’t really care if she is. I hope she hasn’t taken it out on you. _

_ Life is good here. I’m Gryffindor, which you probably know already. It’s not as bad as they make it out to be. When you come here, you can be in Gryffindor, too, and we can maybe dorm together. I don’t think they usually mix people indifferent years, but I don’t know. _

_ I have a lot of new friends. Mother and father were wrong about all the purebloods being in Slytherin. My best mate, James, is a pureblood and he’s in Gryffindor. They made it seem like all the mudbloods were Gryffindors, but there are some in Slytherin. I know some of the ones in my house, and I like them quite a bit. Apparently, you can’t use the word “mudblood” either, even though it’s the only word I’ve ever heard mother use when referring to them. You’re supposed to say muggle-born. James yelled at me when I said it, and some of my halfblood friends wouldn’t look at me or speak to me for the whole day. I don’t know why mother would teach us a word we’re not supposed to say, but when you come here, take my advice and just avoid it altogether. There’s a lot of things that we do that other people don’t. You don’t need to hear about all of that, though.  _

_ You’d love James. He’s my best mate and one of my roommates, and I met him the first day on the train.  He’s a genius at prank planning, even better than me. You should see the kinds of pranks we pull. It’s just like back home, except for instead of me bewitching every chair to disappear beneath Bellatrix at Christmas dinner, we can prank all of Hogwarts. About a month ago, on Halloween, James, my roommates, and I tricked the whole school into believing that an evil monster or demon would show up at the feast so we could steal all the dessert. We got everything. Even some licorice wands that I tried to save for you, but couldn’t.   _

_ I’m sorry you can’t be here. I sorry for leaving you alone. I know I promised I wouldn’t, but I had to go to school, and I couldn’t bring you with me. We’ll be together next year, though, and I can introduce you to all the Gryffindors, as long as you don’t tell mother and father. I hope everything is okay back home. I’ll be home for Christmas break, and I’ll see you then. Write me soon.  _

_ -Sirius _

Sirius rested his head on his crossed arms and looked out at the grounds. The trees were bare now, it was late November, and overnight the world had been blanketed in snow. It was gray, the kind of gray that made it seem as if it the sun had disappeared, and Sirius rested his head on the cold stone of the Owlery, watching the owls sail through the vaulted windows. None of them were carrying letters. Even worse, none of them were his. Sirius had sent Regulus a letter weeks ago, and yet, every morning when the post was delivered in the Great Hall, the owls would sail over head and out the window again, without dropping a single piece of mail at Sirius’ place. He had hoped, briefly, that some of the post had been delayed this morning because of the snow, and maybe his owl was just late. He felt stupid now. 

Light trickled from the clouds and reflected off of the Black Lake.  Sirius shielded his eyes, diverting his gaze back to the sky and the birds. Maybe his owl had been lost. Maybe it had decided that Grimmauld Place was more comfortable than flying hundreds of miles through the cold wind and kept Regulus’ letter for itself. Maybe Regulus had just forgotten. People forgot all the time. It was a normal thing, after all, Sirius forgot his quills, and his books, and his wand on a daily basis. Maybe he had just slipped his brother’s mind. Maybe he had just fallen away like another useless piece of information, irrelevant, or more importantly, absent. Sirius felt his stomach twist and shook his head, drawing the scarf closer around himself.

It was probably nothing. It didn’t even matter anyway, because nothing, or not, forgotten, or remembered, Sirius had decided that he didn’t care. It was just a stupid letter. Nothing more. Anyway, he would see his brother soon, and he would get to talk to him and tell him all about Hogwarts in person. 

Winds gusted in through the windows and stung Sirius face, blowing his hair backwards and whipping it around. He ducked down out of the gale and pulled his hat down over his head, closing his eyes.

 

“Sirius?”

 

Sirius raised his head to see Peter standing at the stone entrance to the owlery, a letter awkwardly dangling from his hand.

 

“What are you doing up here, mate?” Peter frowned at him, taking in his huddled figure crouched below the windowsill.

 

Sirius straightened up.

 

“Waiting for a letter.”

 

“Why would you get a letter now?”

 

Sirius fixed him with a glare and stood up, brushing off the snowflakes that had settled on him. 

 

“What are you doing up here, Peter?”

 

Peter quickly glanced down at the letter he held in his hand, before holding it up.

 

“James was thinking that we should ask the write the prank shop about what else they might be selling, y’know, to get ideas for our next prank. He was hoping maybe they’d give us a discount for buying their whole supply of food dye. He told me to come upstairs and send it.”

 

Sirius didn’t respond. Peter walked across the tower and called his owl down from one of the perches, before carefully tying the letter to his leg. The owl hooted unhappily at this, and refused to budge,  even as Peter slowly shoved him farther and farther along the perch until he was at the edge. Finally, mumbling and frowning, Peter searched his pockets until he found a crumb of bread and fed it to the owl, who hooted again and nipped his finger before beating its wings into the air. 

 

Peter dusted off his hands on his pants and looked at Sirius.

 

“James is looking for you.”

 

Sirius stared back silently, and Peter shoved his hands in his pockets, looking at Sirius oddly before turning toward the door.

 

“Okay… well, I’m going to go, mate.”

 

“Wait.”

 

Peter slowed down so Sirius could catch up, and they walked beside each other, Peter casting glances at Sirius, and Sirius staring straight ahead. Wind pushed them down the stairs and back into the castle, their feet tapping a rhythm on the stone staircase, echoing around them, and filling up the heavy silence. They wound down the staircase until they reached the bottom of the tower, and the smell of owls and snow had disappeared. Sirius took in a breath.

 

“I was waiting for a letter from my brother,” Sirius paused, and Peter watched him out of the corner of his eye,“He hasn’t responded.”

 

“Sometimes people forget.”

 

“I never understood that.”

 

Peter frowned.

 

“Understood what?”

 

“How people forget.”

 

They walked quietly again, Sirius, seeming to have lapsed back into his own thoughts, his eyes set straight ahead and hands shoved deep in his pockets. Peter opened and closed his mouth, before sighing slightly. 

 

“Why is James looking for me?” Sirius asked.

 

“He started a snowball fight on the grounds. He says he needs his second.”

 

“Bollocks. He just wants a human shield.”

Peter laughed, and the two set off through the castle. 

 

When they reached the grounds, half the Gryffindor first years were milling around, packing snowballs, and whispering to each other.  Students yelled from far off on the grounds and one girl was struggling to ice skate on the newly frozen black lake in her sneakers. Sirius and Peter approached, and James jogged up to them.

 

“Pete, you’re on our team. Go find Remus he can be your partner.”

 

Peter frowned and pointed at Remus and Lily who were on their knees packing snowballs.

 

“Remus is with Lily.”

 

James  shrugged and turned to Sirius. 

 

“Are you ready?”

 

“Sure. But how does this work? Do you keep score? Or is it to the death?”

 

“It’s factionless chaos until someone surrenders.”

 

Sirius grinned.

 

“Perfect.”

 

James clapped Sirius’ shoulder and grinned, before pushing his way to the center of the crowd and cupping his hands around his mouth. The crowd turned towards him, some students already cradling piles of snowballs in their arms. 

 

“Alright! Alright! Everybody listen up!”

 

All eyes turned towards James, and the chattering subsided.

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I have called you here on this fine afternoon, to engage in a tradition as old as time-”

 

“Get to the point, Potter!” 

 

Remus was grinning from the crowd, turning a snowball over in his hands. 

 

“Okay, okay, it’s the first snow of the season where we haven’t had classes, so the only way to properly celebrate is with a snowball fight. There are two sides, but when I say “go” you are loyal to no man and no alliance. There are no rules. Whoever surrenders loses and whoever doesn’t wins. Got it?” The crowd murmured in assent, “Good. The only rule is no ice balls.”

 

“You just said there were no rules, and then you said there is one rule. Which is it?” Lily called from the crowd.

 

“Okay. Fine. There is one rule. Absolutely no ice balls. Now is everyone ready?” The crowd cheered, “When I say “go” we begin. Ready… set -”

 

An iceball flew from the crowd and collided with James’ shoulder knocking him backwards. 

With a collective cry, the crowd surged forward and the students stumbled over each other, turning on one another and pummeling snowballs at their friends mercilessly. Sirius sprinted  forward and dove onto the ground beside James. 

 

“We need to go!” James shouted as loud as he could over the din.

 

Sirius scrambled to his feet, pulling James up.

 

“Where?!”

 

James pointed to a thicket of trees twenty feet away and dragged Sirius from the center of the chaos, weaving in and out of people, ducking snow balls. 

 

**

 

Lily crouched beneath the small wall of snow she and Remus had packed together while they were waiting for the fight to begin. Snowballs sailed over their heads and Remus lay almost completely flat against the snow, not daring to raise his head above the barrier. Remus leaned close to Lily and lowered his voice. 

 

“What’s the plan here?” 

 

Lily darted her eyes around and picked up a snowball from the pile.

 

“We hide. And when we have to fight we use our supply to demolish our tired opponents.”

 

Remus nodded.

 

“Okay, I can do that.”

 

Lily continued.

 

“And then I hit Potter in the face with a snowball.”

 

“No. I can’t condone that.”

 

Lily turned to him, snowflakes speckling her hair and cheeks, and grinned. 

 

“Well then close your eyes.”

 

In the next second, a snowball shot over their fortress, hitting Remus in the head and Lily wound her arm back before yelling and jumping over the wall. Remus scrambled backwards and reached for a snowball, but as he did, his head knocked Sirius’ boots. Sirius grinned down at him, snowball held in his hand. 

 

“Found you.”

 

Remus shot his arm up, as Sirius brought his back, and pulled Sirius down over him and onto the ground. Yells surrounded them and Remus could hear Lily screaming something in the background as she charged forward. The moment Remus turned his head to look at the commotion beside them, Sirius flipped their positions and pinned Remus to the ground. Remus dug his fingers into the snow and reached up to crush a handful against Sirius’ face causing him to splutter and laugh loosening his grip. Remus yanked his arm free and Sirius leaned forward again pinning the other boy’s arms beneath his knees. 

 

“Not so fast, Lupin.”

 

Remus let out a breathless laugh and scrambled his hand out to the side, reaching for something he could use against Sirius. His fingers scraped uselessly against snow and his elbow strained under the weight of Sirius’ knee. 

 

“What’s the plan here, Black?”

 

“Victory.”

 

Remus cocked his eyebrow and threw all of his weight against Sirius’ hold, flipping him onto his back and breaking himself free. Sirius’ arm shot out as Remus struggled to find a foothold and leap to his feet, and as Remus began to gain traction, Sirius yanked Remus’ arm back down to the ground. Remus slipped and rolled onto his wrist awkwardly twisting it under his body. 

 

“Shit!”

 

Sirius jolted upright. 

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Remus rolled his slightly swollen wrist and winced.

 

“Yeah, yeah, it’s fine.”

 

“Shit, mate, that’s swelling up.”

 

Remus shook his head.

 

“No, it’s not, it was already bruised like this don’t worry.”

 

Sirius met Remus’ eyes.

 

“Why?”

 

Remus shook his head and began to brush the snow off his clothes.

 

“Don’t worry about it. Just a stupid accident.”

 

“You seem to have a lot of stupid accidents.”

 

Remus didn’t respond.

 

“Did the stupid accident happen when you disappeared a few nights ago?”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“I think you do.”

 

Remus stared at Sirius, and Sirius arched his eyebrow.

 

“I didn’t disappear. I was feeling sick so I went to the hospital wing on Wednesday night and came back a day later. I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

 

“You must have had a wild time. Coming back with a sprained and bruised wrist and a gash on your hand.”

 

Remus pulled his gloves back on and frowned.

 

“What’s your problem?”

 

“I don’t have one. Why won’t you tell me how you sprained your wrist?”

 

“Why won’t you leave it alone?”

 

“Why don’t you tell me anything about your life?”

 

“I tell you lots of things. Why don’t you tell me about yours? Must have had a wild time before Hogwarts, showing up at school with a scar on your hand.”

 

Sirius opened his mouth and then closed it, searching for something to say, before picking up a snowball and throwing at Remus with all of his might. Remus raised his hands up and ducked down, letting it smash into the snow behind him. When he took his hands away from his face, Sirius had disappeared. Remus watched students across the grounds throw snowballs and wrestle with each other through bouts of laughter, and sat still, digging his fingers deep into the snow, allowing the cold to seep into his skin. He felt all the thorns and anger that had come out to defend him, fade away, and sitting in the snow, guilt knotted in his stomach as he scanned the grounds for Sirius’ figure. Sirius shouldn’t be angry. He was the one asking about Remus’ personal life, and if anyone had the right to be angry, it was Remus. All Remus had done was make a comment about a stupid little scar. It didn’t mean anything. Remus rose to his feet, and stomped them into the ground, frowning, and trying to push away the thoughts edging at his mind. 

 

***

 

“How the bloody hell did you get so good at this!”

 

James swung his tree branch out frantically and collided it with Peter’s, who was backing him closer and closer to the edge of the lake.

 

“I grew- up- with- six siblings- and pretty- absent- parents-” Peter gasped between swings, “you get- pretty good- at - finding ways - to stay- entertained.”

 

James swung his stick out again, clashing it in the air.

 

“So beating each other to death with sticks was one of them?”

 

Peter laughed and lunged forward.

 

“Definitely.”

 

“Well- no - amount-” James shouted between each hit of their sticks, “of- training- can prepare you- for  _ this, _ ” James dove onto the ground and thrust his stick outwards, and under Peter’s feet, causing him to stumble backward into the imposing figure of Minerva McGonagall.

 

“Damn!” Peter turned his head to see the professor standing there with her eyebrows raised and jumped to his feet.

 

“Professor! Sorry! I-”

 

“Was dueling Mr. Potter? Quite dangerously, I might add, with sticks?”

 

Peter opened his mouth and closed it again. Suddenly, a snowball crashed into Professor McGonagall, streaking snow down the center of her robes. McGonagall whirled around, her face taut with anger, and searched the now silent crowd. In the time it took for her to look at them, all the first years had stopped talking and throwing and were now pretending to watch the birds in the sky or had their hands dug into their pockets.

 

“What is the meaning of this!”

 

Nobody responded.

 

“Who started this?”

 

The first years eyes flickered to James, who was now surrounded by Peter, Sirius, and Remus. McGonagall eyed them over and turned back to the crowd. 

 

“Everyone stop throwing snowballs, wrestling, or whatever else you were doing. Either enjoy the snow peacefully or go inside. If I see a single snowball, Gryffindor will be losing a considerable amount of points.” She turned toward James, “Come with me, Potter.”

 

James pointed to his chest.

 

“Me?”

 

McGonagall turned around and strode back towards the castle without a word, and the other boys followed in suit. Remus looked back over his shoulder to see Lily’s sympathetic smile surrounded by a silent and still crowd that was watching the boys retreat. 

 

When they reached McGonagall’s classroom, McGonagall gestured for them to take a seat as four chairs were conjured before her desk. She sat down in the chair across from them and adjusted her spectacles. 

 

“Can one of you explain to me why you thought it was an acceptable idea to stage a war in the middle of the grounds?”

 

Remus stared down at his hands folded in his lap and said nothing. After a moment, Sirius raised his hand.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Because it’s fun?”

 

McGonagall stared impenetrably back. Sirius lowered his hand. 

 

“We’re really sorry, professor, but technically, it’s not against the rules.” James smiled appeasingly. “Right, Remus?”

 

Remus jolted his head up and flicked his eyes over the room. 

 

“Err- technically.”

 

Professor McGonagall sighed and leaned back in her chair. 

 

“Technically, no, but when a student could be injured, rules are not necessary to determine that the action is out of line.”

 

Sirius raised his hand.

 

“Aren’t we always at risk of being injured? I mean, a meteor could come and wipe us out right now, or that Adam- thing,” Sirius gestured toward Remus.

 

“Atomic bomb,” Remus mumbled. 

 

“Right, that. So really, if it’s not explicitly written that snowball fights are forbidden in the rules of Hogwarts, we shouldn’t get in trouble.”

 

Professor McGonagall raised her eyebrows. 

 

“Well, then that would call for us to excuse any action as long as it is not explicitly forbidden, which could lead to accidents, injury, or worse. What exactly would you propose, if not to leave the choice of punishment up to the heads of house?”

 

Sirius grinned.

 

“Anarchy.”

 

Professor McGonagall shook her head. 

 

“Inane discussions aside, I am warning you four not to pull anything like this again. So far, none of you have caused any trouble, but I have heard rumors around the school, and I hope to hear no more in the future. I am not going to punish you. But if I see you partaking in, or initiating, another snowball fight, or any other kind of fight, I will have no choice to give you detention. Am I clear?”

 

The four boys nodded. 

 

“You are dismissed.”

 

***

 

The snow subsided by the early afternoon, and most of the students, having spent enough time outside already, had retreated inside to warm themselves by the fire in the common room. James had challenged Peter to a game of chess, only to be beaten, and had been spending the whole afternoon since lunch valiantly trying to recover his pride. When Sirius tired of watching Peter beat James, and James swearing that  _ “this one was going to be his game, just you watch, mate” _ , he made his way up to the dormitories. 

 

His bed was warm, if not a little disheveled, and just as Sirius sat down, he heard a tap on the window. His owl peeked in and shook his wings indignantly sending a cloud of snow into the air behind him. Sirius looked down to see a letter tied to his leg. He swung the window open, banging it against the wall, and grabbed his owl quickly untying the letter from his leg, before it took flight again to make its way back to the owlery. Sirius grinned and ripped open the envelope with his fingernail. 

 

_ Dear Sirius,  _

 

_ No further letters from you will be necessary. Regulus has studies to focus on in preparation for Hogwarts next year. Your distractions, and misguided information about what you perceive the world to be, are not welcome. Do not continue to write him, as he will not be receiving your letters, and do not bother to contact your father or me unless you are able to do so in a manner that upholds the standards of this family. We will see you at Christmas, and when we do, I fully expect for this new, attitude to be gone.  _

 

_ Walburga Black _

 

Sirius stared down at the letter and let the words burn into his mind, before balling it into his fist. He could feel the special parchment his mother used burning into his skin, but he kept the paper tight in his hand, refusing to let go. This was always the worst part. Standing, alone, repeating in his mind whatever his mother had chosen to spit at him this time, and trying to untangle her words from where they had landed. He should have known that he couldn’t escape this feeling, the  _ badness.  _ That was the only word that he could use to describe it. It felt like hatred, anger, shame, and disgust all rolled into one, and it clawed its way up to his throat every time, choking him until he couldn’t breathe. It was familiar, like shackles that felt almost comforting just because of how tight they wrapped around him. Sirius roughly ran his fingers through his hair. He was so stupid. He had hoped, again. She had proved how useless that was, again. Yet, he never learned, he always came back to this, to  _ them _ , and the feeling always came with it. Sirius balled the letter tighter and tighter until the paper hardened into a rock and then threw it, with all of the strength he had, out the window. He watched the wad of parchment plummet down story after story until it disappeared below. 

 

“Sirius?”

 

Remus was standing in the doorway, his eyebrows knitted together. 

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Sirius breathed in and out heavily, his hands still tightening and tightening on themselves, crushing his fingers. Remus stepped forward. Sirius cast his eyes down and turned toward the window.

 

“Fine. Thanks.”

 

Remus shook his head, and out of the corner of Sirius’ eye, he saw him turn around and walk toward the door.

 

“Remus,” Sirius paused, “I’m sorry.”

 

Remus turned around and looked back at Sirius, before nodding hesitantly. 

 

“Me too.”

  
They stood there, staring at each other for a moment, neither of them sure what to say, and neither of them ready to walk away. There was something else. Something that should be said. Something besides  _ I’m sorry _ , something about Remus’ scars and Sirius’ curiosity, something that they were both too afraid to say. Maybe a question, or a word,  or an accusation, but even if they did know what it was, they probably wouldn’t have spoken it aloud. Instead, neither broke the silence, and Remus smiled slightly, turning away to walk down the stairs.  Sirius watched him go and collapsed on his bed, wracking his mind, trying something, somebody, left to hold on to.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius laughed and pushed the package back towards the other boy.
> 
> “No way, mate, I don’t trust you.”
> 
> James ran his fingers through his hair in agitation.
> 
> “Mate, I’m trying to give you a gift here!”
> 
> “Why?”
> 
> James laughed slightly.
> 
> “What, have you never gotten a Christmas gift before?”
> 
> The compartment went silent. Sirius frowned down at the package.
> 
> “No.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm annoyed with how this chapter turned out. really, properly, annoyed. not a fan. I'll come back and edit it and make it exactly perfect at some point in my life but sure as shit not now. I realize this is not motivating you to read it, so... this is the best chapter in the world! I loved every second of editing and agonizing over it! It will change your life and clear your acne for the low low price of 19.99! go read it and give me a comment! I will dedicate my first eight children to you! ahhhhhhhh!

The Hogwarts Express wound its way farther and farther from Hogwarts, as farmhouses and pastures began to thin out i nto pine trees and snow. Sirius rested his head against the glass, and let the rumble of the train lull him into stillness. Voices around him chattered, and he could hear James’ laughter as he lost over and over to Remus in the new muggle game, “rock paper scissors”, Remus had taught them. Every once and awhile James would shout and jab his elbow into Sirius, Remus would suggest they stop, and James would quickly demand a rematch. 

 

The snow was falling heavily now, and thick flakes splattered on the window, making Sirius’ hot forehead stick to the cold glass just a little. Sirius lift his head up. James was leaned back in his seat now and shuffling through a pile of small boxes on his lap. Sirius turned to see Remus and Peter, all holding boxes in their laps, and frowned. Was this part of a Christmas prank he hadn’t been told about? Had he just not been listening? Just as Sirius opened his mouth to speak, James tossed a small package at him. 

 

“Here you go, mate. Happy Christmas.”

 

Sirius caught the box and shook it, but heard nothing inside. He narrowed his eyes at James.

 

“What is this?”

 

“You’ll just have to open it and see.”

 

Sirius cocked an eyebrow and looked around the compartment at Remus and Peter. They were smiling slightly, and Peter was trying to reach his hand into Remus’ bag of chocolates without him noticing, but their expressions seemed innocent enough. Sirius looked back at James, who was grinning devilishly, and frowned. 

 

“You think I’m dumb enough to open a random package from you? I know you well enough, don’t I?”

 

James laughed slightly.

 

“It’s a present.”

 

“Yeah, right. Just like how you told me the biting worms you stuffed down my robes during Herbology last week were also a ‘present’.”

 

James rolled his eyes and gestured to the package.

 

“It’s not worms, just open it.”

 

Sirius laughed and pushed the package back towards the other boy.

 

“No way, mate, I don’t trust you.”

 

James ran his fingers through his hair in agitation.

 

“Mate, I’m trying to give you a gift here!”

 

“Why?”

 

James laughed slightly.

 

“What, have you never gotten a Christmas gift before?”

 

The compartment went silent. Sirius frowned down at the package.

 

“No.”

 

“Oh,” James stared back at Sirius, who had crossed his arms over his chest, and cleared his throat, plastering on a smile, “Well that’s alright, then. Just open it.”

 

“I didn’t get you anything.” Sirius said, his voice barely loud enough to be heard. 

 

Peter smiled and handed Sirius another small package. 

 

“That’s alright, mate, you can make it up to us next time.”

 

Sirius briefly smiled back in gratitude and slowly began to unwrap the parcel from James. Once he had ripped away all the pieces of the Daily Prophet being used as wrapping paper, a small piece of parchment fell out. 

 

“So, James, you got me parchment?”

 

“No,” James impatiently reached forward, “It’s an  _ orbis scripto. _ If you write on it, it will automatically transmit your note to its pair, which is the piece of paper I have. This way we can communicate. I got it from an old magic supply store my dad loves to go to. It’s supposed to work anywhere in the world, but there’s a three minute delay, so maybe we could charm it or something, make it easier to communicate.”

 

Sirius’ face broke into a grin.

 

“That’s fucking amazing, mate. Will it work over break?”

 

James grinned back.

 

“I hope so.”

 

After James and Sirius had messed about scrawling each other notes on their papers, and drawing several obscene pictures, they continued opening gifts. Everyone had gotten one for each other, except for Sirius. Peter bought Sirius a muggle swiss army knife and told him eagerly that he would teach Sirius how to use it when they got back. Within two minutes, Sirius had sliced the tip of his finger and James was trying, without much luck, to use the bottle opener to pop open a pumpkin juice bottle.  

 

Remus leaned over and pressed a tissue to Sirius’ finger, folding it over on itself when it began to darken with blood. 

 

“It’s a cool gift, Pete, but think of your audience.”

 

Peter laughed and loaded the slingshot James had given him with caramels they bought from the trolley. Sirius shook his head.

 

“It wasn’t the knifes fault. I’m especially talented at getting injured. All I need is these two hands and three minutes without supervision.”

 

Remus shook his head and pulled a bandage out of his pocket, handing it to Sirius.

 

“Well, speaking of gifts, I have yours.”

 

He leaned over and began to rummage through his bag, and after a moment, his head popped up again, and he handed Sirius a tattered old book. The cover was stained, ripped, and held together with tape, but Sirius could make out the words  _ A Brave New World  _ printed on top _.  _ Remus shrugged.

 

“I couldn’t really afford to buy much this year. But you said your family let you read Shakespeare, and I heard this book was inspired by him,” Remus laughed, “It’s a bit more muggle and dystopian than you might be used to.”

 

Sirius thumbed through the worn pages and skimmed over the rows of words. 

 

“Where’d you get this?”

 

“My dad. I stole a bunch of his books from his library before coming to Hogwarts. He won’t miss it, though.”

 

Sirius smiled and tucked the book in the pocket of his robes. 

 

“Thanks.”

 

Remus’ lip quirked. 

 

“No problem.”

 

James finally pulled the cork off of his butterbeer, and the soda fizzed and spilled all over his hand and down his pants. James leaned forward to lick the drink off his hand and the three boys stopped talking to watch him. 

 

“James what are you doing?” Peter asked. 

 

James raised his eyebrow and spoke through a mouthful of soda.

 

“Whaddoes’t look like?”

 

“The decline of civilization.” Remus laughed, pushing a wad of napkins into James’ hand. 

 

James held the napkins up.

 

“Thwanks.”

 

The three boys stared at him for a second, laughing, before Peter turned to the group. 

 

“What are you all doing for Christmas?”

 

James took a sip of butterbeer and shrugged.

 

“My mum always makes Christmas dinner and rice pudding. Normal stuff, I guess. But I’m going to try to get the house elves to make double this year by impersonating my mum’s voice, and then I’ll steal the other half.”

 

Remus shook his head.

 

“Dessert truly is your inspiration.”

 

“Well, what are you doing for Christmas?”

 

“Being a Jew.”

 

James and Sirius looked at each other and frowned.

 

“Achoo?” James asked tentatively.

 

Remus laughed.

 

“No. A Jew. I’m Jewish.”

 

“Why are you Jewish?” Sirius asked.

 

“I don’t know. Because my mum is.”

 

Sirius and James stared back blankly. Remus took another bite of pumpkin pasty, a smile playing at his lips before speaking again.

 

“It’s our religion.”

 

“You’re starting a religion?”

 

Remus shook his head, still laughing. 

 

“No, okay, look. Judaism is a muggle religion, well I guess wizard, too, if you want, but wizards don’t tend to believe in that stuff since the Torah doesn’t mention magic at all. The Torah is our holy book and it’s supposed to be the word of God. Basically, if you’re religious you’re supposed to follow the teachings and believe in God and pray to him. My mum’s a muggle, and she was raised Jewish, but my dad is not, so we celebrate all the Jewish holidays even though we’re not all that religious.”

 

“Wait, but if it’s a religion and you’re not religious,  how are you a part of it?” Peter asked. 

 

“It’s not just a religion, it’s also a culture too, so we can celebrate the holidays and not all believe in God, or go to synagogue, that’s the Jewish place of worship, and still be Jewish. My mum is the only one that really believes, but-” Remus hesitated looking down at his hands, “I think she kind of stopped when I was younger.” 

 

James nodded, his eyebrows tightly knitted together.

 

“But you can still celebrate Christmas?”

 

Remus shrugged.

 

“I guess, but we don’t. We have another holiday around the same time called Hanukkah. It’s a little like Christmas but with better food, and it lasts eight days.”

 

James choked on his food.

 

“Eight days?!”

 

“Yeah, you get a present for each day, and each night you light a candle on the menorah” Sirius frowned, and Remus waved his hand, “It’s like a really big candlestick.”

 

“Fire and presents sounds like the perfect holiday.” Sirius leaned back in the seat and grinned.

 

Remus laughed and shook his head.

 

“Like I would trust you with matches and eight candles.”

 

James snorted.

 

“Yeah, you’d start the fire of London again. Happy holidays everybody.” 

 

Eventually, the forest turned into a winding bridge over the river, and again into countryside, and finally, after the sun had slipped behind the trees, the Hogwarts Express pulled up to platform 9 ¾. 

 

Sirius breathed in slowly, but with each breath, it felt like he had to force the air farther and farther down his throat. The boys stood up and began to stuff their empty wrappers and belongings back into their trunks. Sirius stood mechanically, and took Remus’ book out of his pocket, along with Peter’s swiss army knife, and buried it deep beneath the folded robes and sweaters in his trunk. Noise filled the corridor of the train and James slid their compartment door open, waiting for students to move out of the way. Sirius stayed planted in the middle of the compartment, his hand on his trunk. 

 

After the students had flooded forward, the other three boys sidled out into the hallway, calling back at each other and knocking their trunks against each other’s legs. 

 

“Mate, you coming?” 

 

James frowned at Sirius and beckoned into the hallway. Sirius looked up and caught Remus’ eyes. His eyebrows were drawn together and his eyes were set with worry. Sirius looked away.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Sirius picked up his trunk and steadied himself against the luggage railing as he walked forward. He followed the other three boys out of the compartment and towards the front of the train. He was walking and walking, and he could feel his feet hitting the ground, but at the same time, he felt as if he was being pushed forward by some unknown force, like a march that he didn’t know the beat for. He wanted to stop, to sit down, to distance himself from the door that would spit him back out into the outside world, but James grinned back at him, so Sirius forced down the sickness in his stomach to manage a weak smile. Then, they were at the door. Remus was looking at him curiously, and in the next moment, Peter peeled off from them, running to an older woman with long red hair and, what looked to be, a whole army of children. Suddenly, four became three. And then, Remus said something to Sirius and clapped him on the back, and he was off too. A woman was on her knees hugging him, and a man in a tweed jacket took his trunk from him, placing a gentle hand on the top of his head. Sirius looked desperately to the side to see James give an apologetic smile and walk towards a couple standing a few feet away. They had the same dark hair and skin as James, and James’ father wore glasses, his hair much less messy than his son’s. The Potter’s faces lit up the minute they saw their son and Sirius watched James’ mum kissed his cheek over and over as James laughed and pulled away. 

 

Then, Sirius was alone. It always shocked him, how quickly the loneliness swept in. His friends, that he had been with just moments before, had spun off into different orbits and left him stranded in the middle of a train platform. They had navigated their way back home, without him.

 

A warm hand touched Sirius’ shoulder and Sirius spun around. Mrs. Potter smiled down at him. 

 

“I’m James’ mum. I’ve heard so much about you.”

 

Sirius made eye contact with James who rolled his eyes a little and smiled. Sirius stuck his hand out, and the woman laughed slightly before shaking it.

 

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Potter,” Sirius said. 

 

“Nice to meet you, too,” She paused and looked around the platform before frowning, “are your parents coming, dear?”

 

Sirius nodded. 

 

“Yes. I think they’re just a bit late.”

 

Mrs. Potter nodded and looked at Sirius in a slow steady manner that made him cast his eyes to his feet. She smiled softly at him and her eyes crinkled at the corners. 

 

“Are you sure?”

 

Sirius nodded again. 

 

“Let him be, love,” Mr. Potter chuckled a bit, “We better get going. I hope you have a good holiday, Sirius.”

 

“You too, sir.”

 

James grinned and waved goodbye, but when his eyes fell on Sirius’ face his grin faltered. He began to open his mouth, but his parents were already walking away.  Before James could say anything, Sirius broke eye contact, and the Potters disappeared from sight. 

 

Snowflakes began to fall again as darkness set in, and Sirius sat down on his trunk, letting the snow settle on his head. He didn’t bother to brush it away, and as he watched families hug each other and trickle out, he stopped looking for his parents. Even through his anger at his mother, and his fear of what she would say or do when she saw him, his eyes couldn’t help searching for her face in every corner of the crowd. Snow stung his skin, and the lights of the station lit up the darkness. Sirius stood up and began to walk towards home. 

  
  


Cars sped past and Sirius sidled in out of the crowd on the streets of London, his trunk dragging behind him. It was cold, and he was only wearing a t-shirt, his robes stuffed in his trunk, but the cold on his skin didn’t hurt. He felt numb. Numbed by a deep disappointment in his mother for not showing, and in himself, for hoping, again. Beyond the numbness, there was an ache in his chest. As he pushed his way up the streets of London and neared Grimmauld Place, it grew and grew until he felt he would double over from the pain of it. It shouldn’t hurt so much to watch people be together. It shouldn’t ache when he saw his friends hug their parents. He shouldn’t feel like he was slipping like he was constantly grappling for even footing when he saw that everyone had someone but him. He was desperately missing a home that had never existed. It was pointless, to let the wanting for something that could never be, dig itself deep in his chest and make a home. But he couldn’t pull it out. He couldn’t stop wanting. 

 

Sirius dragged his trunk out of the lights of the busy London streets and finally stopped before Grimmauld Place. He knocked. The house was silent. 

 

“Master Sirius, good evening.”

 

The door creaked open and their house elf, Kreacher bowed before him.

 

“Kreacher, let me in.”

 

Kreacher gave him a scathing look and opened the door. 

 

“Yes, of course, master.”

 

The foyer was dark and eerily silent when he stepped in. Sirius dragged his trunk forward a few paces, the trunk scraping the wooden floor beneath him as he did. Grimmauld place was exactly as he had left it, grim, quiet, and unwelcoming. 

 

“Sirius? What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be back.”

 

Sirius jerked his head up to see his mother peering at him from the entrance to the kitchen, a drink in hand. He straightened up and glared back at her, forcing down the air that was choking in his throat again.

 

“Term ended today.” 

 

Walburga examined Sirius haughtily before cocking her eyebrow.

 

“I thought you were coming back a week from now.”

 

Sirius gritted his teeth.

 

“No. Today.”

 

Walburga said nothing. 

 

“I waited at the train station. For two hours, actually. Then I walked home. In the snow.”

 

Walburga took a sip of her drink before sighing heavily and putting it back down.

 

“Well, I guess I have to go tell Kreacher to set an extra place for dinner. Your timing is rather inconvenient. He’ll have to restart the meal.”

 

“Funny. Because leaving me at the bloody train station was a tad inconvenient for me, as well.”

 

Walburga whirled around and glared down at Sirius. Sirius backed up a few paces until his heels hit his trunk. 

 

For a moment, it looked as if she would say nothing, but then she leaned closer.

 

“You watch what you say to me, Sirius Black. This is my house, my family, and my name, and you would do well to not forget that you are guest, who is only allowed to exist here through my generosity.”

 

Sirius stared back his eyes burning into hers, before slowly nodding.  She stared at him, and a knot began to form in Sirius’ stomach as he held her bruising eye contact. Slowly, she stood up and walked towards the dining room, her footsteps echoing through the empty house. Before she left, she turned and looked back over her shoulder. 

 

“And you can carry those trunks up the stairs.”

 

The door slammed behind her. And Sirius was alone. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I just can’t stay, Sirius. I love you, and I always will, but what happens to me if I stick around? I get married. Have a kid. Wait for you two to be old enough to leave with me. But, by then it’ll be too late, I’ll be too attached, and I’ll have nowhere to go…” Andromeda shook her head, and she pulled back to look at him, her eyes pleading with him, “I can’t just sit around and watch myself disappear, waiting for a day that may never come.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been waiting to write this FOR SO LONG. I don't know about you but I have an unhealthy obsession with the Blacks and the relationship between Sirius and Andromeda. I hope you all like it! If you do, leave me a comment because I've been so excited to post this chapter!

_ Dear Sirius, _

_ How are things? My break has been smashing. Unfortunately, I put my orbis scripto in my bag with my other parchment, and now I have no idea which one it is. I’ve written ‘hello wanker’ on about a thousand different pieces of paper by now, so tell me if you get one of my messages, and I can go back through all the papers I’ve written on until we figure out which one it is that’s supposed to communicate with yours. _

_ Mum won’t stop ranting about you. She says you seem like a ‘sweet boy’ and are just ‘dashing’ (I’m worried for my place in this family). She also said that she was worried about you being alone at the train station, and she hopes your parents came. She made us walk back and check to see if you were still there, but you had left, so I assume they got you. She just gets worried like that sometimes. Motherly instinct, I suppose. Speaking of parents, how are you doing? I know you weren’t looking forward to going back home. Just avoid them if you can, and say hi to your brother for me. Anyway, I have to go sneak into my mother’s closet and steal her robes to try to trick the house elves that I’m her. It’s a long story. I’ll tell you about it as soon as I find that damn parchment. We really need a new way of communicating. _

__ \- James _ _

 

  
  


Sirius leaned against the wall of the ballroom and smiled, shoving the parchment deep inside the pocket of his dress robes.

 

“Who’s that from?” Regulus’ voice piped up from the corner.

 

“My mate, James, I wrote to tell you about him but…” Sirius paused, "I forgot to send the letter.”

 

“Is he a pureblood?”

 

“Yeah. He’s one of the Potters.”

 

Regulus frowned.

 

“Didn’t mother say they were barely pureblood, that they were only allowed at events and such because Fleamont makes potions for half the people there?”

 

Sirius let out a breath and looked out at the crowd of people dancing and talking on the dancefloor.

 

“Don’t listen to everything mother has to say.”

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing. Let’s go find Andromeda.”

 

They wove their way through the crowd, practically invisible to the adults in their gowns and dress robes, except for the occasional relative who would stop them, and command them to act polite and answer questions like,  _ how is school? _ . Sirius could always tell the people that knew his family well from the ones that didn’t. The ones that knew them had heard through the grapevine of Sirius’ disgrace, and wouldn’t give him a second glance.

 

Classical music wafted up from the front, and house elves slid past them carrying plates of food, but every time Sirius reached out for one, they seemed to glide out of reach. In fact, no one was eating. The food looked expertly prepared, but all the adults were too engrossed in their conversations and martinis to give it a second glance. Sirius lunged forward to grab a handful of mini quiche and stumbled into Bellatrix’s gown. As his knees hit the ground, her foot shot out and kicked him, heel scraping his ear. Sirius scrambled to his feet.

 

“What the fuck was that for?”

 

A woman gave them a sideways glance and turned to whisper to her husband. Bellatrix smiled.

 

“Didn’t see you there, cousin.”

 

“Liar.”Sirius spat.

 

Regulus was tugging on the back of his robes now, but Sirius ignored him and looked up into Bellatrix’s face, his hand already on the wand he couldn’t use. She smirked.

 

“What are you going to do about it?”

 

Sirius drew his wand and pointed it towards his cousin, a spell on his lips, when someone plucked it out of his hand.

 

“Stop fighting! Can't you two just get along for tonight?”

 

Andromeda stared down at them. Neither of them said anything. Andromeda squeezed Sirius’ shoulder.

 

“Apologize. Now.”

 

Sirius took a breath.

 

“Bellatrix, I’m sorry that you were ever born.”

 

“I’m sorry that your face collided with my foot,” Bellatrix sneered.

 

Andromeda shook her head and wheeled Sirius around

 

“Enough. You two need to separate from each other, and stay apart.”

 

Sirius looked over his shoulder and stuck his tongue out at Bellatrix.

 

“Really! I’m getting blamed again! He betrays the whole family and-”  Bellatrix’s voice rang through the space around them.

Chatter began to die away, and the guests slowly turned their heads to watch the scene unfolding. Andromeda glared at Bellatrix.

 

“Bella. I said we’re not doing this right now. Stop.”

 

Suddenly, Druella was cutting through the crowd, and Sirius could see his mother standing on the other side of the ballroom where she had been talking to her sister moments ago. Druella drew closer. Andromeda rubbed Sirius’ and Regulus’ arms, and sighed, before letting go and walking towards her mother.

 

“What is going on here?” Druella hissed.

 

“Nothing, mother. They were just having a bit of an argument, that’s all.”

 

Druella straightened up and looked pointedly at the guests who were now staring down at their drinks.

 

“You should be out entertaining, dear, not settling their disputes.”

 

“I don’t mind.”

 

Druella sighed and placed a hand on her hip.

 

“I know you don’t, but this party is for  _ you _ , there are eligible pureblood men all here for  _ you _ , and the least you can do is give them some attention.”

 

Andromeda flitted her eyes around the room in annoyance.

 

“You said this ball was to commemorate an award given at the Ministry-”

 

Druella waved her hand.

 

“Andromeda, please, you’re eighteen. You’re not exactly getting any younger.”

 

“Mother, I thought we agreed-”

 

Walburga Black appeared behind her sister’s shoulder and stared levelly at Andromeda.

 

“I don’t seem to remember there being any sort of agreement, Andromeda. Frankly, you should be thanking your mother, if you were my daughter, I would have arranged a marriage for you a long time ago. You are lucky to have the opportunity to pick your own husband. I wouldn’t be so ungrateful.”

 

Her voice was soft and smooth, and it cut through the room like cold water. Sirius backed up behind Andromeda, but Walburga wasn't looking his way, she was staring back at her sister who had folded her arms across her chest and was glaring at Sirius' mother.

 

“Thank you, Walburga. But she is not your daughter. I think I can discipline my own children.”

 

They held eye contact for a moment, and then Walburga gave a curt nod, before reaching her hand out to the boys behind Andromeda's skirt.

 

“Come. You two have caused enough disruptions for today.”

 

Sirius opened his mouth to protest, but then Andromeda’s hand was on his arm and she was smiling down at him, mouthing  _ go _ . Sirius took Regulus by the hand and they made their way into the crowd, their cousins disappearing behind them. His mother drew ahead as she weaved her way past the people milling about, her heels clicking as she walked. Once Bellatrix and Andromeda had disappeared from view, she flicked her hand over her shoulder dismissively, before going off to join Sirius’ father who was in the corner, with three other men in suits with medals pinned to them. Sirius turned to Regulus.

 

“Want to play what’s-the-pureblood-saying?”

 

Regulus grinned and nodded, and Sirius sat down in a chair near the dancefloor, as Regulus settled beside him. Regulus pointed to a couple standing across the floor. The woman was holding a tall glass of what could have been champagne and her face was so pinched up that she had a permanent expression of discontent.  The man she was speaking to gestured as he spoke and the woman leaned her elbows on the edge of the bar, barely looking at him.

 

“Okay Siri, what are they saying?”

 

Sirius frowned mockingly before leaning in and lowering his voice to a baritone.

 

“Gee, honey, you can’t get mad at me for spending so much time at work. I do it for you. Mostly to get away from you, but still-”

 

Regulus laughed, and Sirius raised his voice to a higher pitch.

 

“I would be angry with you Edwin, but after this many wrinkle freezing spells, I don’t think I am capable of expressing emotion.”

 

Regulus bumped his shoulder against Sirius’.

 

“Okay let me try, let me try.”

 

“Alright, what about-” Sirius looked around the room before his eyes settled on two men, “them?”

 

One of the men was older, about Sirius’ father’s age, and had a watch on a chain that he was checking instead of making eye contact. The other man was younger, barely twenty, and was talking eagerly, his hands running through his curly hair. Regulus bounced his knee, staring at them.

 

“Okay, I’ve got it.”

 

“Yeah? See if you can beat me  _ Reglisse. _ ”

 

Regulus cleared his throat and lowered his voice.

 

“I’m only listening to you because my wife is over there, and I’m afraid that if I try to leave, I’ll be forced into another conversation. Also, you’re my nephew and I’m supposed to listen to your business pitch, even though I haven’t sent you a birthday card in thirteen years.”

 

Regulus changed his tone to one that was higher and more youthful.

 

“I can tell you’re not really listening to me, but I’m hoping if I talk long enough I’ll wear you down. Maybe if I sound more like an adult, you’ll start paying attention. Taxes, caviar, alcohol, isn’t the economy in shambles?”

 

Sirius laughed and began to search the room for another pair to mock when Andromeda sat down next to them.

 

“Are you two playing what’s-the-pureblood-saying, again?”

 

Regulus frowned.

 

“Would you be mad if we said yes?”

 

“No, I’d ask you to deal me in.”

 

Before either boy could respond, Bellatrix appeared from the depths of the crowd.

 

“She's fucking everywhere, isn't she?” Sirius muttered under his breath.

 

Bellatrix stopped a few feet away, her arms crossed, and dark eyebrows arched. Her gaze deliberately rested on Andromeda.

 

“Mother told me, to tell you, that you better stand up, stop sulking, and go find a man to dance with.”

 

Andromeda closed her eyes and let out a breath. She stayed like that for a moment, head tilted back, eyes closed, mouthing something, before slipping on her shoes back on and smiling tightly at her sister.

 

“Thanks for the message, Bella.”

 

Bellatrix nodded curtly before spinning around and disappearing back into the crowd. Sirius shook his head and turned to watch the people on the dancefloor swaying and stepping in deliberate steps to the music that floated through the air. Gowns whisked past each other, every seam and stitch perfectly placed, and Sirius tugged at his collar in annoyance.

 

“Well?” Andromeda looked down at them smiling, “Which one of you is going to dance with me?”

 

Regulus jumped up, following her figure that was already heading to the dance floor.

 

“Me!”

 

Sirius scrambled after them, linking his arm with Andromeda’s.

 

“Wait, I’m coming, too. Otherwise, Mum will make me dance with Bella again, and I’d rather rip my toenails off.”

 

“Sirius-” Andromeda chided, shaking her head.

 

“What? Just one man’s opinion.”

 

The music was dizzying, it rocked, and rose, and fell, building on itself with layers of orchestra, before slimming back out to a violin again. The guests stepped and turned, their feet swiftly moving on each beat as they traced their way across the dancefloor in a relentless pattern. Andromeda took Regulus and Sirius’ hands and began to swing their arms back in forth in time with the rhythm. Sirius’ elbow collided with the waist of a young woman being spun by her partner, and Andromeda mouthed over the crowd, her voice drowned in music,  _ one, two, three.  _ Then, they were spinning. Andromeda twirled Sirius underneath her arm, and Sirius and Regulus ducked her under theirs, and they were both twirling her in circles again, and again, Andromeda’s robes tangling under her feet as she moved. She tripped into Sirius, who tripped into Regulus, and they were laughing as the moving couples parted around them, their laughter lost in the dance.

 

“Sorry,” Andromeda called to a boy behind her, whose toe she had stepped on as he had approached them.

 

She took Sirius hands and they pulled each other in and out, swaying out of tune like two drunkards. The music swelled to a crescendo and they began to jump up and down, their feet pounding on the wood sending echoes beneath them. Then, suddenly, the music stopped.

 

The couples cleared off the dance floor, and the three of them stumbled out behind still laughing at their own performance. Andromeda tripped slightly on her feet, stopping short before Walburga Black. Andromeda opened her mouth to speak and Walburga cut her off.

 

“What was that?”

 

Andromeda set her jaw and straightened up.

 

“I was instructed to find a man to dance with. You should be proud. I found two.”

 

Walburga’s face was expressionless, and when she spoke, she spoke through gritted teeth.

 

“I don’t know what it is you think you’re doing,  Andromeda, but for your own good, I would stop it right now. In case you have forgotten so much since you graduated, you are still the heir. Your mother may find this behavior acceptable, but I am warning you,” Her gaze flicked to Sirius, “We only need one disappointment in this family.”

 

Sirius cast his eyes to the floor by her feet, her gaze burning into his neck. He could feel a cold knot in his gut and his throat as if someone had tied a shoelace just tight enough to choke him. His fists tightened, and Andromeda touched her hand to his shoulder. He wanted to say something, something that wouldn't be countered with a quick tongue and a cutting response, but couldn’t. He heard his mother's voice say something to Andromeda and his cousin's voice respond quickly, but Sirius was no longer listening, he was tracing the pattern of the hardwood with his toe and quelling the anger in his chest. When Sirius looked up, Walburga was gone. Andromeda smiled softly at him and let go of Regulus’ hand.

 

“Sirius, I need to talk to you.”

 

As Sirius followed Andromeda away from the dance floor, guests began to sidle toward the doors, kissing each other on the cheek and saying their goodbyes. Some of the guests had already left, and now the ballroom was almost sparse. The giant gold clock hung on the far wall read eleven o’ clock. Andromeda walked briskly towards the spiral staircase leading up to Grimmauld Place’s living quarters. They hurried up the stairs, their feet tapping on the ornate carpet, and Sirius noticed that Andromeda had her shoes off again, and smiled. Sirius expected Andromeda to turn right, towards the guest rooms the cousins were staying in, but she led him left down a dark hallway, hung with house elves beadily staring down. until they reached an alcove. At the end of the hallway was a balcony with doors swung open to let in the air, and to the left of them, a small staircase leading down into the darkness. There were passageways like that scattered all across Grimmauld Place. They were meant for the house elves, but Sirius and Regulus had commandeered them for hide and seek years ago.

 

“Why are we here, Andy?”

 

Andromeda stopped and turned around, kneeling down to Sirius’ height. When he saw her face again after minutes of silently walking, her eyes were rimmed with tears threatening to spill over.

 

“Andy? What- Are you okay?”

 

“Sirius, I’m leaving.”

 

“What?” Sirius opened and closed his mouth uselessly, “Why are you crying? You're coming back, right?”

 

Andromeda shook her head.

 

“No-” Her voice broke, and it hit Sirius.

 

“Oh.”

 

“I couldn’t tell anybody, I still can’t. I wanted to say goodbye-” tears choked her voice, “But I couldn’t,” Sirius stared back incredulously, “I couldn’t tell Regulus or Narcissa, they’re too young, and I couldn’t tell Bellatrix. I need you to promise not to tell anyone anything about where I'm going, okay? Promise.”

 

Sirius shook his head.

 

“I promise.”

 

Andromeda nodded and smiled weakly, drinking in the expression on his face. Sirius frowned.

 

“But even if you leave, I can still keep in touch with you, right? Alphard moved away, and they hate him, but I still see him every other Christmas-”

 

“I’m marrying a muggleborn, Sirius.”

 

Sirius said nothing.

 

“His name is Ted Tonks.”

 

“So that’s why you’re leaving. Ted Tonks.”

 

“Sirius-”

 

Sirius cut her off, his voice shaking as he forced it to keep steady.

 

“So is this it? I’m just never going to see you again?”

 

It was Andromeda’s turn to be silent.

 

“When are you leaving? How?”

 

“Tonight. They won’t notice I’m gone until morning, and then I’ll  be with Ted, and we’ll figure out what happens next.”

 

Sirius choked back tears that began to spill out and shook his head.  _ Why? Why can’t I come? Why can’t I just write you?.  _ He didn't say anything, though, he already knew the answers to the questions in his head. There was a reason Andromeda was leaving in the middle of the night.

 

Sirius looked past her shoulder and watched the stars blend together into smudges of light. They stood there in silence, not touching but close enough, just breathing and crying. Sirius wanted to ask so many questions, he wanted to know about Ted, and what she would do next, how she fell for him, and what he was supposed to tell his little brother, but he knew none of that would help. It wouldn’t make her absence hurt any less. Andromeda was here, and she was solid, and she was holding him tightly now, but she was so so temporary. Sirius gripped the back of her dress robes and hugged her back.

 

“I just can’t stay, Sirius. I love you, and I always will, but what happens to me if I stick around? I get married. Have a kid. Wait for you two to be old enough to leave with me. But, by then it’ll be too late, I’ll be too attached, and I’ll have nowhere to go…” Andromeda shook her head, and she pulled back to look at him, her eyes pleading with him, “I can’t just sit around and watch myself disappear, waiting for a day that may never come.”

Sirius nodded solemnly.

 

“I know.”

 

Andromeda’s eyes welled up with tears at this, and she pulled Sirius to her chest again.

 

“I know that you know. I love you so much  _ mon cherie.  _ Be safe. Don’t give them any reasons…” Andromeda trailed off and buried her face in his hair, “When you leave here someday, please find me.”

 

They rocked back and forth in the sterile hallway, the only sound their own ragged breaths and the creak of the wood beneath their knees. Sirius buried his face in Andromeda’s shoulder, and a tear slipped onto the rug below them, seeping out and staining the pattern. Andromeda gripped Sirius’ robes tighter.

 

“I don't know how to say goodbye to you.” He murmured against her neck.

 

She pulled away and placed her hands on his arms.

 

“Here’s what we’ll do. We won’t say goodbye. Okay? It just hurts.”

 

Sirius nodded, wiping at his tears furiously, trying to suppress them. Andromeda reached out and brushed away a tear welling at the corner of his eye. She smiled and placed a hand on his cheek.

 

“Do you remember when you were little how we’d play that game you loved? One of us would close our eyes and count, and when you opened your eyes, the other person would be gone?”

 

Sirius nodded.

 

Andromeda’s voice cracked on the words.

 

“Close your eyes, Sirius.”

 

She watched him for a moment, his face set with determination and his eyes closed, and slowly untangled their fingers.

 

“One,” He whispered.

 

Andromeda stood up.

 

“Two.”

 

She brushed a tear away from his eye.

 

“Three.”

 

She willed herself to walk.

 

“Four.”

 

Sirius’ voice was trembling now.

 

“Five.”

 

Andromeda pressed her fingers to her lips and stayed silent.

 

“Six.”

 

Her feet slowly made their way down the steps.

 

“Seven.”

 

Sirius' hand remained stretched out, a few inches before him, where Andromeda’s hand had been.

 

“Eight.”

 

The hall was silent. Sirius tentatively opened his eyes.

 

“Nine.”

 

The word echoed off the ceiling and came back to him like a ghost. The paintings on the walls looked down at Sirius with mild distaste. Sirius  stood up on his shaky legs and leaned against the wall. He crossed his arms over his chest like a hug and listened to the hum of the night and the sound of his own ragged breath.

 

“Ten,” He whispered to the space where his cousin had stood.

 

Later that night, laying in bed with Regulus curled up at the foot of it, his brother’s eyes red-rimmed and breath labored as he slept, Sirius leaned his head back and let the memories of Andromeda flood back. He saw her face, he saw her frown as she begged them not to fight, and felt her hand on his shoulder, he saw her braiding Narcissa’s hair that morning, and how she had picked flowers to weave into the plaits, he saw her pulling him and his brother onto the dancefloor, smiling and holding their hands. He stared into the darkness and let it shift into familiar shapes. It was funny, how someone could say goodbye without you even noticing.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had seemed easy. He had driven his dad’s truck around their small farm before, all he had to do was keep it sort of straight and then press down the gas until the car began to bump over the grass. He probably could have made to the record store, too, if not for the stupid deer that had leaped in front of them. His dad was going to kill him. Remus was a mostly good kid, he would say, although that probably had less to do with his inherent angelicness and more to do with his parents not allowing him away from the farm for most of his childhood for fear of suspicion from the neighbors. Being mostly good, however, could not make up for crashing the family car into a tree on Christmas Eve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be updating more in two weeks when I get out of school

“We’re going to be okay. This is fine. It’s going to be fine,” Lily repeated under her breath, half to Remus, half to herself. 

 

Remus leaned his head back against the front seat his Dad’s car watching smoke unfurl from the hood, and sighed.

 

“That’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard.”

 

Lily closed her eyes, and Remus rested his head on the steering wheel, the car honking at him as he did.

 

“Fuck,” he whispered.

 

“You shouldn’t swear.”

 

“I’d say we’re well fuckin’ past that at this point, wouldn’t you?”

 

Lily said nothing. After a moment of silence and Remus muttering curse words into the leather of the steering wheel, Lily began to giggle.

 

“What are you laughing at?” Remus’ muffled voice asked.

 

Lily laughed harder, leaning her head back against the seat, her eyes squeezed closed.

 

“Just…” Lily took in a shaky breath, “we’re so screwed.”

 

Remus sat there, curled over the steering wheel, until his shoulders slowly began to shake. They both sat in the car that was slowly filling up with smoke, laughing, until Lily waved her hands and coughed.

 

“Remus, we need to get out of here.”

 

Remus nodded and pushed his door open, tumbling onto the frosty grass of the pasture. He stood and watched the smoking car for a moment. It wouldn’t explode or anything, at least he hoped it wouldn’t, but the front of the car was totaled, and the shards of glass from the headlights lay in the grass reflecting light, fallen from where they had been smashed against the tree upon collision. Lily walked up beside him.

 

“What are we going to tell your dad?”

 

Remus shook his head. They stared at the car in silence. Lily sighed.

 

“And we didn’t even end up getting new records. What’s the point of fixing the record machine if we don’t have anything to play?”

 

“What’s the point of attempting to drive to town if we’re going to crash the car into a tree by the side of the road?” Remus responded.

 

“That was your idea, not mine.”

 

“Well you wanted to ride horses which is ridiculous-”

 

“Well you said you could drive!”

 

Remus looked down at his feet and took a breath.

 

“I didn’t know that driving on an actual road would be harder than on the farm.”

 

Lily sat down on the grass and wrapped her scarf tighter around her. The sun has started to sink lower and lower below the trees, and flakes of snow were floating down, pricking their faces. She picked at a blade of grass, and gave Remus a soft smile.

 

“Hey, maybe he won’t be so mad. You know, Christmas spirit and all that?”

 

Remus sighed.

 

“I’m Jewish.”

 

Just then headlights reflected off the icy dirt road ahead of them, and Lily jumped to her feet. 

 

“Hey! Hey!” 

 

She waved her hands over her head frantically and stepped slightly into the road. Remus began to wave his arms too and yelled to her, “What? Are we hitchhikers now?”

 

“Do you have any other ways to get home?” Lily called back.

 

The car rumbled forward, before pulling to a stop. A man leaned his head out the window and frowned at them, his expression barely visible through the beard that covered his face.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Remus gestured uselessly toward the wrecked truck.

 

“Can we get a ride? We live just down the road a bit.”

 

The man looked around the pasture.

 

“Where are your parents?”

 

Remus opened his mouth and closed it again.

 

“Errr…”

 

“We’re sixteen. We were driving and wrecked our car.” Lily cut in hurriedly and glanced at Remus, “our  _ own  _ car.”

 

The man raised a bushy eyebrow and looked over the two of them, before cracking a small smile. 

 

“You two don’t look sixteen.”

 

Neither of them said anything. The man looked at the car, still smoking against the tree, and sighed.

 

“Alright, get in. You’re not my kids.”

 

Remus let out a breath and grinned, and Lily climbed into the back seat. 

 

“Thank you so much, sir.”

 

The man shrugged, and Remus pulled himself up into the truck. Remus scooted down next to Lily, and once he sat down, she took his hand and squeezed it. Remus looked at her and frowned, and she shook her head, her eyes trained on the man in the front seat. The man turned the key in the ignition and drove forward.

 

“Where do you two need to go?”

 

“About fifteen minutes down the road. From there it’s not a far walk and you can drop us off,” Remus said, smiling slightly.

 

Remus leaned his head against the cold glass of the car, watching the almost empty pastures roll by. It had seemed easy. He had driven his dad’s truck around their small farm before, all he had to do was keep it sort of straight and then press down the gas until the car began to bump over the grass. He probably could have made to the record store, too, if not for the stupid deer that had leaped in front of them. His dad was going to kill him. Remus was a mostly good kid, he would say, although that probably had less to do with his inherent angelicness and more to do with his parents not allowing him away from the farm for most of his childhood for fear of suspicion from the neighbors. Being mostly good, however, could not make up for crashing the family car into a tree on Christmas Eve.  The ride passed in silence, and when the man stopped at the entrance to the small road where he lived, they thanked him and got out of the car, Lily still holding his hand tightly. The car disappeared over a hill, and Lily let go. Remus raised an eyebrow at her.

 

“You alright?”

 

She nodded quickly and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. 

 

“Just a little nervous, getting in a car with a stranger.”

 

Remus nodded. That thought had even crossed his mind. Snow began to fall softly as they made their way down the dirt road, and Remus tucked his hands under his arms to avoid the stinging cold. Houses were puffing with smoke and their windows glowed with candles, but the light was few and far between as they walked deeper into the countryside. Ahead of them, the road parted into two, and Lily turned to Remus, her face twisted into almost a smile. 

 

“I guess I better get back.”

 

“I won’t tell them you were there.”

 

Lily’s eyebrows raised, and she quickly shook her head.

 

“No, it was my idea to go to the record shop.”

 

“It was my idea to drive the car. There’s no reason we should both get in trouble.” 

 

She stared back at him, chewing her lip.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Positive. I’m going to get yelled at anyway.” 

 

Lily smiled and leaned forward, hugging him briefly.

 

“Thank you,” she mumbled against his neck.

 

Remus shook his head as she pulled away. 

 

“It’s nothing. I’m sorry I crashed a car with you in it.”

 

She smiled at him, her eyes soft and slightly regretful, and then made her way down the left path, toward her home. After a moment her figure disappeared into the hills, and Remus walked on. The world was quiet, the voices from the houses muffled by snow, and Remus dragged his feet through the flakes, desperate to stay out here, away from the car and away from his house, as long as he could, but the wind bit his uncovered skin and left it raw, and he pushed on. After about ten minutes, he could see his cottage up ahead, the windows glowing with light as the shadows of his mother and father shifted inside. He could barely feel the cold now, only weight in his chest and sickness in his stomach that made dragged him back with each step When he made it to his porch, he stood there for a moment and stared at the wood of the door. He took a breath and raised his hand, and suddenly, the door was swinging open, and his mother was standing there smiling at him in relief, her eyes wrinkled at the edges with worry.

 

“Where were you? It’s getting awfully windy out there, love,” She looked down at his hands, red with wind and cold, and shook her head, “I’ll get you some tea.”

 

His mother  pulled him inside, kissed the top of his head, and disappeared into the kitchen.

 

“Where have you been, son?”

 

Remus looked up at his father who was folded into his armchair in the corner of the room with stray papers and books strewn around him. He looked at Remus a moment longer, before folding his glass in front of him and pulling himself to his feet. Remus paused. 

 

“Errr… I was…”

His father looked back at him patiently, before nudging Remus on.

 

“You were?...”

 

“I was out.”

 

“I assumed.”

 

Remus’ stomach was lead now, and he ran his finger over the scar on his left hand, back and forth, and back and forth, trying to come up with something to say. Lyall Lupin stared back at him steadily and waited for his son to speak. 

 

“I want to start off by saying I’m sorry…”

 

His father sighed.

 

“What happened?"

 

"Do you remember when you taught me how to drive?"

 

"Remus, if this is going where I think it's going-"

 

"I crashed the car into a tree."

 

His father sat down on the chair and put his head in his hands. Remus stood still, his stomach in his throat. Eventually, his father raised his head and looked at his son.

 

"Why?"

 

"Well I didn't do it on purpose,” Remus murmured. 

 

His father raised his eyebrows at him, and Remus looked down at his feet, continuing. 

 

"I was trying to drive to town."

 

"Why didn't you ask me to drive you to town?"

 

Remus paused. 

 

"In hindsight..."

 

Remus’ father stood and paced toward the window. He said nothing, just stood, stock still, staring out at the falling snow, taking slow breaths. Remus heard his mother’s footsteps enter the room and then stop, but didn’t dare to look up from the floor. Quiet coated every inch of the room, and after a moment, Remus disturbed it. 

 

"I know you're mad, I’m sorry,  I'll help you find the car and..."

 

His father turned slowly to look at him, and shook his head slightly in disbelief.

 

"You don't know where it is?"

 

"It's up the road. If you drive long enough you'll find it."

 

"If I  _ drive  _ long enough?" 

 

Remus looked at the floor.

 

"How did you get home, Remus?"

 

"I.. walked."

 

His father looked at him for a long time, then looked at his red frozen hands folded across his chest.

 

“Drink your tea, Remus.”

 

Remus took the cup from his mother who exchanged a look with his father, but didn’t raise it to his lips. His father sat down in his chair.

 

"Dad I'm sorry. I know you're mad I crashed the car, I'm sorry, I really am, it was stupid-"

 

His father took a breath, and spoke in a low even voice,“I’m not mad about the car. When it comes to that, I’m just glad that you’re okay. Things could have been much worse. I’m angry because this is the same reckless behavior you’ve shown over and over since you came to Hogwarts.”

 

Remus frowned.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Remus, you promised me that you would be careful, and that you wouldn’t tell anyone about your condition, and that you wouldn’t get too close to anyone. There’s a reason you have been homeschooled until now. There’s a reason that we don’t want you to go play with the neighborhood children, and there’s a reason why we move when people ask questions-”

 

Remus shook his head and looked at his feet.

 

“Yes, dad, I understand…”

 

His dad looked at him severely and cut him off.

 

“No, Remus, I don’t think you do.”

 

His father took in a breath and picked up a pile of envelopes from the table.

 

“We have done  _ everything  _ to keep you safe. And yet this morning, I get three letters from the boys in your dorm, one of them asking about if your mother is better and when you’ll be gone next month, and another asking about your scars among other things, and I know these aren’t the first letters they’ve sent.”

 

Remus let out an exasperated laugh.

 

“They’re my friends!”

 

His father pinched the bridge of his nose.

 

“I know. I know they are. And I want you to have friends, but I told you to be careful, and this,”

His father picked up the three boy’s letters from the table, “ _ this _ , is not careful.”

 

The pit in Remus’ stomach was gone now. Remus was glaring at his father, his eyes fixed on his face and the twitch in his jaw.

 

“So what? Should I just not make friends? Make myself invisible?”

 

His father shook his head.

 

“Your priority is not friends. I’m sorry, son, but it’s true. You are at Hogwarts to get an education, and although I want you to have a normal schooling experience, you are not normal.”

 

His mother stood up from where she was sitting, and spoke for the first time in a low warning voice, “Lyall, I think that these should be two separate discussions.”

 

“I know I’m not normal!” Remus yelled back.

 

“Remus, don’t talk to me like that-”

 

Remus cut him off.

 

“I know I’m not normal! No one ever lets me forget it! So I’m sorry for being reckless! Just for once, I wanted to pretend, okay? I wanted to stop looking over my shoulder every second of every day wondering if my scars, or the way I act, or the way I talk, would give me away. Do you want me to apologize for that?”

 

His father shook his head and put his glasses back on. 

 

“I know that this secret is a heavy burden to bear, Remus. I understand. But if you can’t handle it then maybe you’re not ready to go to school yet.”

 

“What?!”

 

His mother reached out and put her hand on her son’s shoulder, shooting a look at his father.

 

“ _ Lyall.” _

 

Remus stepped out from under his mother’s touch toward his father.

 

“You don’t get to decide that for me.”

 

“Actually, Remus, I do.”

 

“No you don’t!”

 

“I am going to ask you one more time, son, to not speak to me that way!” His father roared.

 

Remus stepped backward before straightening up again, and looking his father in the eye. He took in a deep breath and spoke slowly.

 

“I know you think that you’re giving me a better life by protecting me from the world and from people knowing what I am, but up until now, I didn’t even have a life. I’d rather risk ten years of nothing for one year of something, and I’m being as careful as I can, but you can’t stop me from making mistakes or crashing into trees or making friends-”

 

“Remus, I am trying to protect you-”

 

Remus shook his head.

 

“You can’t protect me. You never could.”

 

His father stared at him, his mouth open, as if the words in it had just been sucked out of him. Finally, Lyall’s faced settled into a look of pain that Remus thought only came out on full moons, and his dad collapsed into his chair. His father let out a breath, and looked for a moment as if he was going to speak, but no words came. Remus watched the huddled figure of his father and felt his blood slow down and the anger in his chest ball itself into something much heavier. A jolt of regret went through him, but he had no words of comfort for his mother, or for his father, or for himself. He picked up the letters off the table, and walked out of the room, trying not to look at his parents.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius opened his mouth, and paused, before asking in a careful, slow, voice, “Do you think he’s alright?”
> 
> James looked up at his friend.
> 
> “What makes you think he wouldn’t be alright?”
> 
> Sirius frowned slightly and stared at James.
> 
> “The scars. The disappearances. Now, he’s not even on the train to school."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY I deleted Peter's chapter (chapter 11) because I realized that writing a Christmas break chapter for all four marauders wouldn't work for many reasons, so now there are only two chapters on the winter break of first year, and they cover Remus and Sirius. THAT BEING SAID I am very very sad because I loved that chapter with all my heart so please send me an edible arrangement or something because im grieving. Peter's chapter is still on my tumblr (nineandthreequarterrs) and will be included next year! yay! Also here you go! I am out of school and the next chapter will be up in a few days because hooo boy things are gettin crazy.

Christmas break had passed in a blur. Before the boys had noticed, they were back on the Hogwarts express again, heading into the second half of the year. James and Sirius were already in the compartment when Peter arrived, and they all sat together, talking and laughing, challenging each other to games of exploding snap, as they waited for Remus to turn up. After a while, parents began to file out of the station, and the train got louder as it filled with students.

“You really think there’s a supply room in the back of the train?” James asked.

Sirius scoffed.

“Of course there is. Think about it. The Trolley Witch comes by at least three times a ride, and every time she has more food. Where’s she getting it from?”

James grinned and nodded to himself.

“Mate, you’re brilliant.”

The train let out a breath and lurched forward. All three boys looked up at one another, their faces wearing the same expression, and their minds humming the same thought. It took a moment, a few beats on the train track, for anyone to speak a word.

“Where’s Remus?” James asked.

Peter shook his head and looked to the other boys for an answer. Sirius frowned.

“Maybe he’s in another compartment.”

The train picked up speed, and the station disappeared as the boys sat in tense silence. James nodded and let out a breath.

“Okay, well let’s go find him."

They split off in different directions, Sirius in one direction, and James and Peter in the other. Peter had insisted that James come with him, and Sirius hadn’t put up much of a fight. He didn’t mind searching for Remus alone, and the fact that he was made his eyes roam a little more desperately. He made his way down the aisle, pressing his face against every compartment, not bothering to acknowledge the odd looks he got from the people sitting inside.

With every window, Sirius tried to quell the lurch in his chest, but his eyes would still skip around the room, landing on anyone with curly brown hair or anyone who was hunched over a book. None of them were Remus. The Trolley Witch pushed past Sirius, a clear mark that the train ride was well underway, but he was only halfway through the row of windows, and there was still endless more compartments that Remus could be in. Something told Sirius, though, that Remus was nowhere on this train. Sirius couldn’t imagine him sitting with other friends so absorbed in his own conversation that he hadn’t thought to say hello to his roommates. Still, Sirius moved on, with a growing weight in his chest.

“Look who it is!” A shrill voice called out from the compartment behind him.

Sirius turned around from the window he was peering into and scowled.

“Shut up, Bellatrix.”

Bellatrix gave him a wide smile and leaned her head on her hand, her elbow crooked in the open window of her compartment.

“Your little mudblood friends finally decided they’d had enough of you, huh?”

“No, not yet. Are you speaking from personal experience? I can’t imagine what it must be like being friends with you.”

Bellatrix’s mouth twisted up into a grimace, and she looked at her cousin steadily.

“Well, at least my mother doesn’t need to hire people so she can see if I’m disappointing her or not.”

“No, she can just look at your face for that.”

Sirius turned around and began to walk down the aisle.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Far away from you.”

“Come back here,” Bellatrix’s voice rang coldly through the hallway, and Sirius could hear some of her fellow Slytherins snicker.

Sirius turned around and reached for his wand, but Bellatrix was still leaned against the door in the same, lazy, position as before. She flicked her eyes around the compartment and then back to him.

“Come sit with us.”

Sirius laughed.

“Why?”

Her eyes narrowed and lips tightened.

“Because we’re your family. You’re supposed to be sitting with us. Not them.”

Sirius glared at her, his hand still on his wand.

“But you hate me.”

“But we’re family.”

The whole compartment was watching them now, leaning over to glimpse Sirius through the slid open window. Bellatrix continued.

“It doesn’t matter if I hate you. You shouldn’t be sitting with them. It was funny in the beginning, but-” Bellatrix paused, “But now, it’s clear that mudbloods can’t be trusted around people like us. You need to stay away from their influence.”

Sirius laughed.

“Are you talking about Andromeda? Afraid that I’ll fall in love with someone who’s not a pureblood and run away?”

Bellatrix stood up and swung open the door, her hand balled into a fist around her wand. Sirius stepped backward and pulled his wand out of his back pocket, maintaining bruising eye contact with her. Bellatrix stepped closer.

“Don’t you ever mention her to me again.”

Her voice was low and soft, but Sirius could hear the threat in the edges of it.

“But I thought you couldn’t abandon your family? I thought that no matter what, you had to be loyal? You don’t seem very loyal Bellatrix.”

“You-”

Sirius had already cast the spell, and in the next second, the hallway echoed with light, and Sirius felt a burning heat flash across his face as if she had slapped him. He stumbled backward, catching himself on the sill of a compartment, and before he could draw his wand again, he was thrown through the air, crashed on the ground and sliding down the carpet. The world began to ring slightly, and his head was pounding, but Sirius could still hear the footsteps running toward him. He threw a curse in their direction, but before he could scramble to his feet, someone was grabbing his arms and helping him onto his feet.

“Come on, mate, let’s get out of here before someone sees us,” James said, holding Sirius steady.

Sirius wrestled out of his grip and turned toward Bellatrix’s compartment, but in an instant, the door had shut, and a Slytherin’s back was blocking the window.

“Fucking coward!” He yelled, and James reached forward, pulling him back once again.

“Mate, mate, calm down.”

James threw his arm over Sirius’ shoulders and guided him away from the Slytherin’s, back the way that they’d come. People were hanging their heads out of their compartments and watching the three boys walk by, looking at each other and laughing in shock. Peter glanced cautiously at Sirius.

“You alright, mate?”

“Bloody fantastic, Peter. I’ve never been better, thanks,” Sirius spat out.

They walked in silence for a moment, and Sirius shrugged James’ arm off of his shoulder. James looked at him out of the corner of his eye.

“Peter got her with a pretty good hex that turned her hair into antlers. You didn’t see, you were- well she freaked out afterward and locked herself in the compartment.”

Sirius looked at James and smiled slightly.

“What hex was it?”

“Anteoculatia,” Peter said, “I learned it from my brother.”

Sirius nodded at Peter.

“Thanks, mate.”

By the time they got back to the compartment, the hallway was quiet again, and most students had retreated back to their seats. Somehow, none of the Heads of House had come looking for the source of the commotion. James pulled open the door to their compartment and the other two boys shuffled inside, moving around each other to take their seats again. Peter reached his hand into his bag and pulled out a band-aid, silently passing it to Sirius, whose cheek was scuffed from dragging along the floor. Sirius pressed it onto his cheekbone and looked up at the other two.

“Did anyone find Remus?”

James shook his head.

“No. We looked everywhere.”

“He might be at the front of the train though, Sirius didn’t make it all the way up there,” Peter suggested.

Sirius leaned his head against the window, watching his friends faces in the reflection.

“Well, you can look for him Pete, no one’s stopping you.”

James flicked his eyes over to Peter, who was frowning at Sirius, and shook his head.

“Nah, you already looked, mate… you did a good job.”

Sirius said nothing, but his shoulders relaxed slightly into the cushions. The train rumbled over the tracks, the noise filling up space around them, and the boys turned their eyes out the window, except for Peter. Instead, he sat and watched the other two. Peter cleared his throat quietly.

“Well, if Remus isn’t on the train, then where is he?”

James turned his back on the window and frowned.

“Do you think he missed it?”

Sirius lifted his head from the window.

“How would he miss it?”

“Maybe, he had to come early for some reason, and he just forgot to tell us,” James suggested.

Peter shook his head and leaned down, shuffling through his bag again.

“No, he sent me a letter,” Peter carefully unwrinkled a piece of parchment, narrowing his eyes as he tried to read it, “His handwriting is terrible, but he said that ‘he’d see us on the train, and we should all sit in the same compartment as before’. Why would he say that if he wasn’t going to be here?”

Peter raised his head to make eye contact with James and Sirius. They stared back at him with equally perplexed expressions on their faces, none of them daring to voice aloud the thought going through all of their minds.

Sirius opened his mouth, and paused, before asking in a careful, slow, voice, “Do you think he’s alright?”

James looked up at his friend.

“What makes you think he wouldn’t be alright?”

Sirius frowned slightly and stared at James.

“The scars. The disappearances. Now, he’s not even on the train to school.”

James shifted in his seat, both Peter and Sirius’ eyes trained on him, waiting for a response.

“I… don’t know,” James said at last.

The other two boys sank lower in their seats. Peter picked at his thumbnail.

“So what do we do?”

Sirius didn’t respond, instead, stared at the floor, slowly twisting a ring around his finger, his eyes trained on nothing. James looked at his two friends, and let out a breath.

“If he’s at school, we’ll ask him where he’s been. If he’s not… we’ll go to McGonagall and ask about him too.”

Peter nodded, and the compartment fell silent. None of them bothered to say what was on their minds. There was no point. None of them knew where Remus was, where his scars really came from, or why he refused to answer any of their questions. None of them could conjure up the words to erase each other’s worry, and none of them wanted to try. The train chugged forward, and the boys disappeared into their own thoughts.

By the time the feast had begun, though, they had almost forgotten their worry about Remus’ whereabouts. The food leftover from Christmas that filled every inch of the tables was distraction enough, and there wasn’t much room for thought or anxiety in the atmosphere of the Great Hall. The Yule trees that Hagrid had dragged in were still covered in decorations and lined the walls of the hall, the sky glittered with stars that had been magically arranged into characters from winter folklore, and boughs of holly and candles were suspended in the air above the tables. By the time Sirius and James were fighting over Christmas poppers, and by the time Peter was taking another helping of treacle tart, most of the first years had retreated back to their dormitories, tired from the long days travel.

“You’re cheating!” James yelled, trying to wrestle the prize that had fallen out of the Christmas popper from Sirius’ hands.

“It’s not my fault I’m strong than you!” Sirius yelled, elbowing James in the ribs, and grabbing the paper crown from James’ grip.

He unfolded it and placed it on his head, grinning all the while. The paper danced with the word ‘winner’ and as it scrambled itself up and rearranged itself again, flashing red, green, and silver. James grabbed another popper from the table.

“Let’s go again.”

Peter laughed.

“He’s just going to beat you.”

“No, he’s not, because he’s already won four times, and if he’s not a bloody cheater, then he’s bound to lose one.”

James waved the cracker at Sirius impatiently, waiting for him to take hold of the other end. Sirius wasn’t looking at James. He was staring at the stairs leading out of the dining hall, and Peter and James shared a brief glance, before following his gaze. Coming down the stairs, was Remus. He was limping slightly toward them, gripping the banister for support, and cradling his right shoulder. The boys watched him draw closer with a mix of shock and horror, and it wasn’t until Remus reached the table that he turned his eyes from the floor and saw his three roommates watching him, their mouths open. His eyes widened, and he began to even out his stride, tensing his jaw in an effort to hide the pain shooting through his leg with every step. He let go of his elbow and let his shoulder droop at his side.

“Mate,” James said softly.

Remus avoided their eyes and reached out for a leftover sandwich from one of the trays. No one spoke a word, they just stared at him, waiting for an explanation that wouldn’t come. Remus raised the hand, holding the sandwich up a bit and mumbling something about ‘an accident’ and ‘the dormitory’, before flickering his eyes away from his friends and making his way up the stairs, no longer leaning on the banister and walking with a heavy step.

The three boys looked at each other, their eyes wide, asking questions without speaking. After a moment, James shook his head and looked at the wood table.

“We have to do something.”

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But why are we here? In the middle of the night?”
> 
> Sirius frowned.
> 
> “Pete, we already told you.”
> 
> “No, you dragged me out of bed at ten, threw an invisibility cloak over my head, and told me we had to ‘help Remus’, but Remus is sleeping out there, so I don’t see how hiding in a closet is helping him.”
> 
> James began to scan the shelf to his left and shrugged.
> 
> “It’s simple, Pete. We’re going to use Pomfrey’s records to figure out why he’s really in the hospital wing, then we’re going to use it to help him.”
> 
> “Why don’t we just, I dunno, ask him why he’s here? Considering the fact that he’s twenty feet away from us?”
> 
> Sirius shook his head.
> 
> “Because he’ll lie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you don't mind me updating once a week. I am currently trying to write ahead so I can continue posting when I'm gone for three weeks. Also I'm having a mental breakdown. It's like that sometimes. Enjoy!

“Peter stop breathing on me,” Sirius whispered.

 

“He can’t help breathing on you, Pads, we’re all crammed in here together.”

 

Peter leaned forward and blew on Sirius’ neck and Sirius jumped, almost causing the invisibility cloak to slip off them. James yanked the cloak back, and Sirius staggered forward into him.

 

“Shut up, all of you. She’s coming,” James hissed. The three of them fell silent and trained their eyes on the hospital door before them, none of them daring to move in case the invisibility cloak caused a ripple in the air or somehow gave them away. Behind the stained glass of the infirmary a figure approached. Madam Pomfrey swung the door open and walked down the hallway out of the hospital wing, and the three of them darted forward, crouched down and struggling to hide their heels under the swinging cloak. Once they made it inside, they let out a breath, and watched he nurse check the hallway for the last time that night, nod at a prefect walking past, and make her way back into the infirmary. She pulled the door shut and muttered an incantation, locking it, before turning to face the boy laying a few feet away in a hospital bed. 

 

“Remus, dear, do you need anything else?”

 

He looked up at her sleepily, blinking softly, and shook his head.

 

“No, I’m alright for tonight, thank you.”

 

She nodded, gave him a small smile, and flicked her wand. The torches dimmed and potions whisked back into their cupboards, the room tidying itself in an instant. She smiled at Remus and tucked her wand back in her pocket.

 

“Goodnight, dear.”

 

Remus hummed, and Pomfrey walked to the other side of the room, raising her hand and waving it over the stone wall. A stone door appeared in it and slid inwards, and Pomfrey disappeared into what seemed to be a small living quarter, the door sliding shut behind her. The boys crouched in silence, holding their breath for as long as they could, looking at each other’s faces in the dark and waiting.After the darkness had settled over the infirmary, and there was no sound but Remus’ slow, even, breathes, the three of them crept forward. Sirius leaned forward, his mouth against James’ ear, as they reached Remus’ bed. 

 

“Do you know what we’re looking for?”

 

James nodded. They crept further forward, past Remus’ bed, and as they did, a sudden movement caught the corner of Sirius’ eye. Remus had pushed himself up on his elbows and he was searching the darkness, frowning.

 

“Does he know we have the invisibility cloak?” Sirius breathed against James’ ear. 

 

Remus turned his head and stared in their direction. James shook his head, and they crept forward. 

 

“Hello?” Remus whispered into the darkness.

 

They stilled. No one dared to breath. After a moment, Remus lay back down. The four of them tiptoed on. It only took them about five minutes to make it from Remus’ bed to the other end of the infirmary, but each step came with a jolt of anxiety and every stray sound threatened to give them away. Once they reached the door in the corner of the room that James had been leading them towards, Remus’ breath had evened out once again. 

 

Sirius could barely see anything but vague shadows in the dark of the infirmary. Moonlight sliced through the window and fell across the middle of the floor, the moon still mostly full, but other than that everything was pitch black. Peter was pressed against Sirius’ back and Sirius’ face was smushed against the back of James’ head, but for the first time in what felt like an hour, James stepped away from them and turned around. He carefully surveyed the room and watched Remus’ still form for a moment before facing forward again and yanking the door in the corner open. The sound echoed through the room. Remus’ breathing stopped. They stood there, James’ hand covered by the cloak but gripping the handle, waiting for their roommate to move. He didn’t. James let out a breath, and ushered them inside, slowly pulling the door shut again.

 

Peter coughed on the dust that sprang up from the shelves and waved his hand blindly in the dark, smacking Sirius in the face.

 

“Fuck!” 

 

“ _ Lumos _ ,” James whispered and the room flooded with light. “You two need to be quieter. This door isn’t that thick.”

 

Peter frowned, still slightly coughing.

 

“James, where  _ are _ we?”

 

They were standing in a small room that looked just like the rest of the infirmary. It was stone, lit up by torches, and arranged neatly, but there were no windows, and instead of rows of hospital beds, the walls were lined with shelves of folders and books. James spread his hands out, the cloak falling to the floor.

 

“This is the file room of the infirmary. Anytime anybody comes in sick, Pomfrey records their name and the date, but more importantly, the  _ reason _ that they came in.”

 

Sirius’ eyes lit up. 

 

“How did you find this out?” He asked James.

 

“I poked around in the library, I bothered some seventh years…” He waved his hand. “It didn’t take much.”

 

Peter shook his head.

 

“But why are we here? In the middle of the night?”

 

Sirius frowned.

 

“Pete, we already told you.”

 

“No, you dragged me out of bed at ten, threw an invisibility cloak over my head, and told me we had to ‘help Remus’, but Remus is sleeping out there, so I don’t see how hiding in a closet is helping him.”

 

James began to scan the shelf to his left and shrugged.

 

“It’s simple, Pete. We’re going to use Pomfrey’s records to figure out why he’s really in the hospital wing, then we’re going to use it to help him.”

 

“Why don’t we just, I dunno, ask him why he’s here? Considering the fact that he’s twenty feet away from us?”

 

Sirius shook his head.

 

“Because he’ll lie.”

  
  


“What if Pomfrey comes out? If she finds us in her record closet at 11 on a Saturday night she’ll lose it.”

 

Sirius sighed.

 

“Peter, why are you so worried about this? If you’re afraid of getting in trouble, sorry, but that ship sailed when we dumped 100 pounds of food dye into the water system a few months ago.”

 

“Yeah, but we never got in trouble for that,” James pointed out.

 

“Dumbledore said that the investigation was ongoing,” Peter muttered.

 

Sirius scoffed.

 

“Please, that’s what he says whenever anything goes wrong. I can guarantee you that man does not care what happens in this school as long as the Ministry doesn’t get called.”

 

Peter shrugged.

 

“Look, I’m not saying the prank was a bad idea or anything, I’m just saying that we usually do things in the most difficult way possible, and that’s why we’re locked in the infirmary right now.”

 

James dropped the file he was looking at.

 

“What do you mean by  _ locked _ ?”

 

Peter frowned.

 

“I mean we waited outside for her to check the halls and lock up so we could find a time to slip in under the invisibility cloak, right? So when she locked the doors behind us she obviously used a spell that students don’t know because otherwise, what would be the point?”

 

Sirius groaned.

 

“So we’re stuck in here?” 

  
  


“Unless you know another way out.”

 

James shook his head and began to make his way past them, down the row of shelves.

 

“If we’re stuck in here, we might as well start looking.”

 

The room was short and dark, and the dust made it feel more like a cellar than anything else. Sirius moved further and further back into the stacks, scanning every folder for any name that resembled ‘Lupin’, as Peter and James picked their way through student’s folders, stopping to read to each other what they found inside.

 

“This bloke’s best friend turned him into a parakeet.”

 

“Someone jumped out of the third floor window to try and escape detention and then tried to use  _ aresto momentum _ so they wouldn’t hit the ground but got mixed up and said  _ ascendio _ instead. They flew all the way past the roof and only stopped because their robes got snagged on a spire on the owlery.”

 

“They put  _ engorgio _ on their  _ what?! _ ”

 

James grinned and reached his hand up, sliding a folder down from one of the shelves. 

 

“Hey, look Pete,  _ Black _ . Let’s see if the hex you gave Bellatrix is in here.”

 

James flipped the folder open, thumbing his way through the pages until he fell upon the most recent ones. 

 

“ _ Bellatrix Black, January 10th 1971, Anteoculatia hex _ . Ha! I knew she’d come crawling to Pomfrey as soon as she got off the train. Can’t even handle a third year.”

 

Peter frowned and dragged his finger down the page.

 

“ _ Sirius Black, January 11th 1971, various hexes, gash on upper arm. _ What’s this?”

 

James frowned and looked up at Sirius a few rows away.

 

“Oi! Sirius! Why’d you come to the hospital wing yesterday?”

 

Sirius looked up and shrugged, frowning.

 

“Got in a fight.”

 

James frowned.

 

“The one with Bellatrix? You were fine when you got off the train.”

 

Sirius shifted his feet and kept looking through the stacks.

 

“No. I had a run in with Mulciber.”

 

“Why?” Peter asked. 

 

“It was nothing.”

 

James put the folder down and looked at his friend carefully.

 

“Are they still bothering you?”

 

Sirius stepped away from the shelf and fixed his eyes on the corner of the room, away from his friends, his jaw tightening.

 

“It was barely anything. I punched Mulciber and he hexed me, so I went to Pomfrey.”

 

“Why’d you punch him?” James asked, again.

 

“He was spouting some bullshit he’d heard. He was talking about how I was disgracing everyone by acting like one of those mudblood Gryffindors and saying that…” Sirius trailed off for a moment, flickering his eyes to his friends again, “he was saying that my parents had enough of me, and since Bellatrix can’t control me, they’re going to move me to Slytherin.”

 

James frowned, and looked between the two other boys, outraged.

 

“But they can’t do that, right? The sorting hat put you in Gryffindor with us! They can’t switch you halfway through first year.”

 

Sirius shook his head and let out a dark laugh.

 

“They don’t care about what’s fair, James. I disgraced the family. I asked the sorting hat to be put into Gryffindor, and I made friends with mudbloods-”

 

James winced, cutting him off.

 

“Don’t say that.”

 

Sirius looked down at the floor and let out a breath.

 

“Right. Sorry. I just mean… I don’t know. Mulciber was probably lying. He’s a fucking arsehole anyways.”

 

Sirius fell silent, and the other two boys looked at him, unsure of what to say. The lights flickered, and they stood there quietly for a moment, before Peter broke the silence.

 

“Is that Remus’ folder?”

 

Sirius nodded. James stepped forward. They all looked at each other, sharing a moment of understanding about what they might find inside. James reached to open the folder, and as he did, the creak of the door opening jolted them to their senses. Remus was standing there in the doorway, outlined by moonlight, staring at their hands poised above the paper, their eyes ready to read whatever was inside. 

 

“What the hell are you all doing here?” He whispered. 

 

None of them said anything. James let out a small sound that sounded like the beginning of a word, but Remus cut him off.

 

“What is that?”

 

Remus stepped into the room. His hair was tousled from sleep and his eyes were hooded. When he stepped, his right knee dragged along beside him. He looked down at the folder printed with his name and paled.

 

“Give that to me.”

 

Peter moved to grab the folder, and muttered something that sounded like  _ sorry _ , but Sirius yanked it back.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because it’s mine.” Remus’ words were shaking. 

 

“Why can’t we see what’s inside?”

 

Remus dove forward to grab the folder, and Sirius stepped back, snatching it to his chest. Remus’ knee buckled beneath him, and in the next second Sirius was holding onto Remus’ arm, trying to stop him from collapsing on the stone floor. The folder had fallen, and James picked it up just as Remus’ hand reached out for it. Sirius tried to guide Remus to the floor, but Remus shook himself out of Sirius’ grasp and gripped the edge of the bookshelf, staring at his room mate fiercely.

 

“Don’t touch me!”

 

Sirius stepped back immediately. Remus looked at the folder in James’ hands desperately, but his knee was shaking beneath him, and he stumbled back into the shelf, gripping the edges of it to stay upright. Peter stepped forward. “Mate-” Remus glared at him, saying nothing, and Peter stepped back. James put his hands up in the air.

 

“We won’t look inside, okay? As long as you tell us the truth.”

 

“I don’t know what you want from me.” 

 

“We just want to know what’s going on. We want to know why you’ve been leaving and coming back injured. And we want to know why you weren’t on the Hogwarts Express three days ago, okay?” He looked at Remus carefully. “We’re just worried, mate.”

 

Remus looked between the three of them and reached out his hand.

 

“I’ll tell you. But give me the folder first.”

 

James passed the folder to Remus. Remus stood there, clutching it and looking at them as if at any moment one of them would dive forward and grab it. They looked back at him, frowning and concerned, and Remus’ shoulders relaxed. He let out a breath and lowered himself to the floor, allowing Sirius to help him down. The three of them sat before him, waiting for him to speak.

 

“I told you all that my mum was sick. But…” He looked down at his pants, picking at the loose threads. “But I didn’t tell you everything. I lied, because I was ashamed and embarrassed, and because I was afraid of what you would think of me and my family if you knew. I don’t know, I guess it was irrational, but I just hoped that you wouldn’t ask too many questions, and I could pretend that everything was okay for awhile.” The boys sat hushed, staring at the stone floor, listening to Remus. None of them made a noise or moved. He took a breath and continued on.

“My mum- she’s not sick in the way I said she was. She has cancer, but she’s not getting better, and they don’t know how much longer she’ll last. Some people make it ten years, and some people don’t even make it one.” Remus looked at the three boys, and when no one spoke, he looked back down at his pajamas. “Over Christmas break we were trying to go into town and my mum was driving. It was just me and her in the front seat. She said that she was feeling okay that day. She had said she was okay to drive. But she had a seizure, and our car spun out of control, and before I could do anything to stop it, we crashed into a tree. My dad had to take her back to the doctor the morning I left for school, and, I don’t know, I guess he was worried about me seeing her in such bad condition, so he sent me back to school early for Pomfrey to take care of me. Nothing like that’s ever happened before. She’s never accidentally hurt me or herself before, but we’ve lived in the countryside my whole life and I’ve had a lot of accidents. I was attacked by an animal when I was younger, and that’s where these scars are from. Just- please don’t ask me anymore about it. I don’t want to remember.”

 

Remus let out a long breath, and after a few moments of silence, James spoke.

 

“I’m sorry, mate.”

 

Sirius and Peter murmured in agreement, staring at Remus sadly. James nodded to the folder Remus was clutching.

 

“But… can you tell us what’s in there?”

 

Remus opened his mouth and closed it again. Finally, he spoke.

 

“I just- Could you all just let me have this one? Just let me keep this to myself. Please.” He looked at them desperately, and the three of them nodded in agreement.

 

“We’ll stop asking questions,” Sirius promised.

 

Peter nodded.

 

“We just didn’t know if you were okay. Or what was going on at home.”

 

Remus smiled weakly at them.

 

“I didn’t want to talk about it. I get that I’m a freak because of my scars. I’m fine with that. But I didn’t want the whole world to think that I was freak because of my family, too.”

 

The three boys fell silent again, and James let out an uncomfortable laugh.

 

“Hey, we’re all freaks, right? Some of us can just hide it alot better.”

 

Remus smiled.

 

“Some of us don’t spend our Saturday nights in Madam Pomfrey’s closet, so I suppose you’re right.”

 

They all laughed slightly, and lapsed back into comfortable quiet. Peter cleared his throat.

 

“Speaking of spending the night in Madam Pomfrey’s closet, umm… we’re sort of locked in here.”

 

Remus nodded.

 

“I know, I woke up in time to hear that part.”

 

“You heard us?” James asked incredulously.

 

Remus cocked his eyebrow and smiled.

 

“Not everything. But you three are not nearly as quiet as you think.”

  
  
  



	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Students flooded out of the classroom, and voices shouted over each other in a comforting rhythm. The three boys sat silently, their hands half on their bags, half laying uselessly on the table, struck down by a feeling too large to hold. Peter swallowed a lump in his throat, his eyes roaming restlessly between his still friends. It wasn’t a feeling of anger or of even of fear that overwhelmed them. It was every time Remus had shown up in the dormitory late at night, with bags under his eyes and a polite smile, it was running through the hallway, hearts beating dangerously fast, not daring to look behind them, it was the sight of him limping toward them, the desperation on his face as he dove towards the folder that night in the infirmary, it was how small he looked when he talked about why he was always gone, how his eyes flickered between their faces, looking for belief, it was everything, everything they had known about their friend becoming painfully true and a lie at the very same time. It was Remus gone from the room, yet standing before them, stripped of all the words he had spoken, and all of the lies he had told. It was the weight of his life in their hands, undeservingly given.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter drove me crazy. Not in the fun hyperbolic way, more like in a everything is wrong and I can't fix it, I've forgotten how to write, I'm so dissapointed and angry all at once, I can't look at this anymore I have to post it, I have to, I'm going mad - kind of way. I'm just so frustrated. I know no one wants to read this but I'd feel mortally embarrassed posting this without prefacing it with my complete utter sense of helplessness at the final product. I'm genuinely upset. Just like Remus and the marauders in the chapter below AYYYYY sEgway away from my inner monologue into the chapter!!
> 
> enjoy! and if you don't, for only $750,000 a month you can buy my silence. my paypal is-

 

Sirius leaned forward on the desk and flicked his eyes between his friends carelessly. 

“I’m just saying, I don’t see how muggles made it to the moon before wizards.” 

 

Remus shook his head, the way he did when he was thinking hard about something, his nose scrunched up and brow furrowed. 

 

“Technology is limitless. Magic can only go so far.”

Sirius paused for a moment.

“No, it doesn’t seem realistic that muggles could do that.”

 

Peter scoffed and continued to scribble on the piece of parchment before him.

 

“Why should we take your word on what is and isn’t realistic?” He asked. “You thought Buzz Aldrin was a bee.”

 

“Who the fuck names their kid Buzz?!”

 

James rolled his eyes.

 

“Says Sirius.”

 

“Hey, I didn’t choose this stupid pureblood name.”

 

“Speaking of stupid purebloods,” James jutted his chin at the corner of the room. Lily and Severus were making their way to the set of desks in front of them.“Here comes Snivelly.”

Remus flattened his lips into a line. 

 

“James, ignore him.”

 

James spun around to face his friend and frowned.

 

“Why? If Slytherins like him want to give Sirius shit, why can’t we do the same?”

 

Remus shook his head and darted his eyes to Lily.

 

“Oi! Snivelly!” James shouted. 

 

Severus glanced over to James and rolled his eyes, turning back to Lily, now sitting beside him. Her hair fell down her shoulders, blocking out the boys behind her. James leaned forward.

 

“I said your name, Snivellus. It’s quite rude not to respond.”

 

Sirius grinned.

 

“Oh, is that Severus?”

 

James nodded seriously.

 

“Yes, it is. But I think he’s pretending to ignore us.”

 

Severus’ shoulders tightened, but he kept his back to them. Sirius clucked his tongue.

 

“That really is a shame. It’s confusing enough trying to tell the difference between him and a dementor. Now he won’t even respond to his own name.”

 

“He really does suck the life out of every room.”

 

Peter moved closer to Remus. Remus shook his head.

 

“James, come on.”

 

Before James could respond, Lily swung her head around. 

 

"What the hell is your problem? What has ever done to you?"

  
James scoffed. 

 

"What has he done to us? How about how his friends keep picking fights with Sirius? Talking about how Sirius’ being pulled from Gryffindor, as if that would ever happen."

  
Severus sneered at James and Sirius. 

  
"That was Mulciber. I would never try to switch you to Slytherin, I don't hate myself that much."

  
"He hasn't done anything, Potter,” Lily interjected, “He's not even friends with Mulciber, they just room together."

 

James shrugged and smiled. “Good enough reason for me.”

 

Sirius leaned forward, staring intently at the back of Snape’s head.

 

"Yeah, and he's gotten very cozy with Bellatrix, hasn't he? Hoping she'll make you an honorary Black?”

  
"I don't know what you're talking about," Severus said coldly. 

  
"Running errands for her. Checking up on me. Did she pay you to spy on me? Or do you just like being a snake?"

  
Severus stood up from his chair, towering over Sirius. 

  
"From what I've heard, Black, you're the snake. You'd think that you'd at least be able to be loyal to your own family, yet here you are, playing pranks on the Slytherins and pretending to be a Gryffindor.”

 

James stood up, his hands balled into fists.

 

“He’s not. Bloody. Pretending.”

 

James stared at Severus, and for a moment it looked as if he was going to dive across the table toward the Slytherin, but then Lily put a hand on Severus’ shoulder and shook her head, trying to turn him back towards where the two of them had been sitting. Sirius stood up and looked at Severus coldly.

 

“Just because your family is pathetic doesn’t mean that you have to go  talking about mine.”

 

Severus whipped his wand out, and a flash of light shot toward Sirius. Peter ducked to avoid the spell, but before it could reach them, Sirius was blasting it back at Severus, and Severus was stumbling into the table. He scrambled to his feet and with a slash of red light Sirius was stumbling back too, gasping like he had run out of air. Severus held his wand steady, boring his eyes into Sirius, and before James could do anything a trembling voice called from behind them, “Stop! Stop what you’re doing right now!”

 

The defense against the dark arts teacher, Professor Verity, was standing behind them, her thin face twisted up into shock. Sirius fell gasping to the ground and James kneeled down beside him.

 

“What do you think you’re doing! Just because class hasn’t begun doesn’t mean that you can act like mad men!”She took in a shaky breath, her eye twitching as she looked at them. “Separate! All of you! I don’t care how, just get away from each other!”

 

Sirius glared at Severus and slowly stood up, refusing to break eye contact. Severus sneered at him a moment more, before slipping his wand into his pocket and storming across the room toward a group of Slytherins. Lily looked at James with disgust and took Remus by the arm, walking him toward the back of the room without saying a word to the other boys as Professor Verity wrung her hands. James grabbed Sirius’ arm, and Sirius shook it off, scowling, and sat heavily back down in his seat. 

 

After Professor Verity, had nervously paced around the room, watching all of the students get settled in their seats, she made her way up to the front of the class and began to speak in a trembling voice.

 

“Good morning, students. Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts.”

 

Across the room, Lily leaned over and whispered to Remus, her hair hanging like a curtain blocking their words from Verity’s view.    
  


“Why do you hang out with them?”

 

Professor Verity continued on, turning toward the board at the front of the room.

 

“Today we will be learning about werewolves.”

 

Remus looked at her out of the corner of his eye, far too focused on swallowing the knot in his throat that had appeared the moment the Professor spoke than listening to Lily. Lily didn’t seem to be paying any mind to Verity, though. She was lookin at him intently, almost accusingly. Remus shrugged.

 

“They’re my friends.”

 

“They’re pricks.”

 

Remus looked at his hand. His fingers were shaking, just barely, but he couldn’t stop them even when he concentrated. He could still hear the Professor talking. Maybe he should go to the hospital wing. That would be worse, though- 

 

“Remus,” Lily said again.

 

“What?”

 

“I said they’re pricks.”

 

Remus took in a breath, forcing himself back into the moment, and shrugged slightly.

 

“Severus isn’t great either.”

 

Lily was glaring at him, now. 

 

“Severus has never acted like that.”

 

Remus wanted to argue with Lily, to point out who Severus talked to when Lily wasn’t around, or to bring up the fights in the hallways that Sirius always seemed to be involved in, but he didn’t have the energy. His stomach was turning, and the light coming in from the windows was too bright, and Professor Verity was still talking. He wished Lily would turn away, and spare this conversation for another day, but he knew that the moment she did, she would start taking notes. She would write down everything the Professor had said, she would study it, and she would memorize every fact given to her about werewolves. Remus forced himself to speak.

 

“No, he hasn’t,” Remus managed, “But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t-” 

 

Lily shook her head.

 

“I can’t believe you’re supporting them on this.”

 

Remus frowned.

 

“I’m not. I just don’t know what you want me to say. Do you want me to just stop being friends with them just because they act like pricks sometimes? I’m not doing that.”

 

“No, of course not, it’s just-”

 

Remus let out a shaky breath.

 

“Look, Lils, why does it matter?”

 

“It matters because I’m your friend, and I care about who you’re friends with.”

 

“Why? You don’t have to hang out with them.”

 

Lily opened her mouth to speak but before she could, Professor Verity’s voice rang across the classroom.

 

“Lupin and Evans, do you have something to share?”

 

Lily shook her head.

 

“No, professor.”

 

Professor Verity nodded and turned back to the class. 

 

“Good. then everyone can get started on their paper now. I want 10” on the life cycle of a werewolf tomorrow, so I suggest you use this time wisely, as I have given you plenty to finish this in class. Is that clear, Evans? Lupin?”

 

Remus turned his head down and began to write.

 

An hour later, most of the students had finished scribbling answers down on their papers and had turned back to each other, talking softly and throwing glances over their shoulders to watch for Professor Verity as she made her way around the room. Sirius watched as Peter folded up his parchment into a fortune teller and moved back and forth until the Professor snatched it out of his hands. She made her way up to the front of the room and clapped her hands together.

 

“Alright! We only have a few minutes left today, so I want to cover one last thing. It is the goal of this class not only to teach you about dark creatures but also to teach you how to defend yourself against them.” Remus tightened his hand on his quill, and kept his eyes firmly on the parchment in front of him. “There are several signs to identify a werewolf both in human and bestial form that you will need to know for your exam at the end of the month.” The three boys had stopped muttering to each other and were now listening to the professor with rapt attention. James leaned back, grinning at his friend.

 

“Finally this class is getting interesting. Bloody sick of learning about boggarts and all.”

 

Sirius shot a smile at James and nodded. Professor Verity paced back and forth across the room, her hand on her forehead.

 

“In animal form it is much more difficult to tell what is a werewolf and what is not. The most noticeable difference between werewolves and wolves is that werewolves are much larger. Their tails are also shorter and tufted at the end.” She smiled at the class and said cheerfully, “Those are about the only things that will help you. Otherwise you have gotten far too close to the beasts and it won’t matter much anyway,” she laughed. “But you should also be aware that werewolves snouts are shorter, and they maintain the same golden eyes they have in human form.”

 

Remus wrote slowly on his parchment, copying down every word, his pen pressed so close to the paper it was beginning to break. The professor stopped her pacing and examined the class.

 

“As for human form, well, all it takes is a little observation. I should note that if you find out someone is a werewolf, do not be afraid, simply report them to the Werewolf Registry and let the Ministry take care of it.” Professor Verity took a breath and flitted her eyes around the room. “Obviously, the first sign is their full moon transformations every month. It is unlikely you will notice where someone is every night of every month, so also watch out for unusual scarring, cuts, and injuries, as well as a sickly manner.”

 

Sirius had always thought that words echoed, or the important ones did, anyway. He had thought that they ran around and around, that they rewrote themselves over and over in his mind, but Professor Verity’s words didn’t echo. They pierced right through him, and they stayed there. 

He looked across the room and met Remus’ eyes. Remus didn’t move, he didn’t look away, he just let Sirius trace the scar that crossed his face, sitting like a wax statue, like an exhibit in a museum, knowing it was too late to yell denials, to do anything but let Sirius stare at him with sick fascination. Sirius stared hoping Remus would speak at any moment, hoping remus would give him an explanation, tell them he was wrong. He stared as if staring would mend the cracks traced across his friend’s skin. 

 

After a moment, Remus turned back to the parchment in front of him, the one carefully covered with notes and diagrams of werewolves, and rolled it up, placing it in his bag. He gathered up his quills, hands shaking, and walked out of the room. Professor Verity watched him go, looking for a moment as if she would protest, but she said nothing, and a moment later, the bell rang. 

 

Students flooded out of the classroom, and voices shouted over each other in a comforting rhythm. The three boys sat silently, their hands half on their bags, half laying uselessly on the table struck down by a feeling too large to hold. Peter swallowed a lump in his throat, his eyes roaming restlessly between his still friends. It wasn’t a feeling of anger or of even of fear that overwhelmed them. It was every time Remus had shown up in the dormitory late at night, with bags under his eyes and a polite smile, it was running through the hallway, hearts beating dangerously fast, not daring to look behind them, it was the sight of him limping toward them, the desperation on his face as he dove towards the folder that night in the infirmary, it was how small he looked when he talked about why he was always gone, how his eyes flickered between their faces, looking for belief, it was everything, everything they had known about their friend becoming painfully true and a lie at the very same time. It was Remus gone from the room, yet standing before them, stripped of all the words he had spoken, and all of the lies he had told. It was the weight of his life in their hands, undeservingly given. 

 

Sirius stood up. He hadn’t meant to, but his body was moving him toward the door, and he didn’t bother to fight it. He moved because there was nothing else to do. His friends followed him into the hall. 

 

They looked at each other. 

 

“He’s-” Peter began to say.

 

James nodded.

 

“Yeah.”

 

The sentence didn’t need to be finished. Giving it an ending was useless, and in an odd way, it hurt. They stood in silence for a minute. Sirius shook his head.

 

“He lied. To all of us.”

  
  


James opened his mouth, but before he could speak, a voice came from behind them.

 

“Mr. Black.”

 

Sirius spun around. Standing there, was McGonagall looking down at him without the usual raised eyebrow or pursed lips, instead, with an expression of sadness. Sirius’ throat had gone dry, and he nodded, realizing that he could no longer speak. McGonagall pressed her lips into a tight line and sighed.

 

“I’m afraid that you need to come with me.”

 

“Why?” James asked.

 

McGonagall flickered her eyes to James and then back to Sirius again.

 

“Your parents are waiting for you in my office. They would like to speak with Dumbledore and I about switching you to Slytherin. Permanently.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So he's not like us. Look at these books, didn't you hear Professor Verity? He's a mon-”
> 
> “Sirius.” James cut him off. He was glaring at Sirius now, not just challenging, with a look of disgust on his face. Peter shook his head.
> 
> “Mate.”
> 
> “What?”
> 
> James shook his head at Sirius.
> 
> “You called them all crazy, but you sound just like your family.” Sirius’ mouth shut, and his eyebrows drew together, and for a moment, he looked almost vulnerable. In a moment, his face smoothed out again. 
> 
> “What? Do you want us to act as if nothing is wrong?”
> 
> “There is nothing wrong, Sirius.”  
>  James tore his eyes away from his friend and looked at Peter, too. “It's true. It's not Remus’ fault. And if we can't do this for him, if we can't understand that there are things none of us can control, if we can't, I don't know, accept that, then what's the point? Why even bother having friends?” James ran his fingers through his hair. “None of this means anything if we bail now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really loved writing this!! idk why it was just so fun for me. Anyways i realize that I've kept you all in suspense for 90 years by now and I promise that next chapter all of that ends. Let me know if you liked how in depth I went with the reveal of Remus' secret or if it annoyed you. I mean it's too late now but

Sirius would have been amazed at Dumbledore’s Study, how the morning light danced off the walls, at all of the contraptions scattered around, spinning and blinking, but he had no more room for excitement. The only thing on his mind was the pale sliver of the moon high in the sky and his friends, waiting for him downstairs, or in remus’ case, hiding from him downstairs. It didn't matter where they were, he would find them, and then they would find Remus. He had to find Remus. He didn't know what he would say, or how he would say it, or how to even react, but the pure realization hadn't faded since it had struck him. He knew what Remus was now, and ever since, the knowledge had been creeping like a shadow at the edge of his mind, moving like ink spilled across a paper.

 

His mother was already there when he arrived. She sat straight up in her chair, her hands arranged in her lap, staring coldly at the space above Dumbledore’s head. McGonagall muttered the password and the door behind them swung shut. His mother didn't move. She didn't look at him. She glanced at McGonagall in disinterest and checked the watch on her wrist. Dumbledore smiled at him and flicked his wrist, conjuring a chair beside his mother. 

 

“Have a seat, Sirius.” 

 

Sirius stepped forward and pulled his chair away from his mother, sitting down carefully. 

 

“Why am I here?”

 

“I'm sure you know why you are here.”

His mother’s voice was ambivalent, almost casual.

 

There were trinkets strewn across Dumbledore's desk that he could push off onto the ground. He could throw them and watch them shatter. He could demand her to look at him, to stop staring at the wall like there was no one else in the room. Sirius took a breath. 

 

“No, actually, I don't.”

 

She looked at him now. It was less of a look and more of an examination, a tallying of all of the things she disapproved of. 

 

“Mrs. Black has contacted both me and Professor McGonagall multiple times to discuss removing you from Gryffindor, into-” The Headmaster cleared his throat, “-into what she believes to be a more suitable house.” Sirius opened his mouth, and Dumbledore held up a hand. “I have told her multiple times that all sortings are final, but she would like to discuss the matter further.” 

 

His mother shifted her eyes down from the wall, taking in the Headmaster. She smiled at him. Sirius’ stomach twisted. 

 

“I understand that your school has certain… traditions, but our family has traditions as well. I mean no disrespect when I tell you that I don’t care what you believe the houses signify. I don’t care if you believe Gryffindor to be a fine house. I'm sure it is, for other people, but not for my son. As his mother, I must ensure that he is in the proper company.”

 

McGonagall stepped forward from where she was standing behind the Headmaster. 

 

“With all due respect, Mrs. Black, I have taught your son for all of his time at Hogwarts, and I disagree. Gryffindor is not only a suitable house for many, but is especially so for your son. He has made friends-” His mother scoffed. “And he has excelled in his studies. I see no reason to switch him.” 

 

Sirius remembered the prank he had pulled on Halloween, and how it had taken McGonagall and the teachers days to transfigure the food dye out of the water supply . Suddenly, he had the urge to apologize to her. He made eye contact with her, and for a second, he thought he saw a twitch of a smile. 

 

“You may see no reason to remove him from Gryffindor, but you are not his mother, Minerva. I am.”

 

“I'm right here,” Sirius muttered. 

 

His mother turned to him.

 

“What?”

 

“I said I'm right here. You don't have to talk about me like I'm not present.”

 

His mother gave him a twisted smile. 

 

“Frankly, Sirius, I'm not sure why you are here. This is not your decision to make. It never has been.”

 

Sirius gripped the edge of the chair. 

 

“It's my life. I'm not sure why  _ you're  _ here.”

 

His mother stared straight at him, her eyes warning. 

 

“I'm here because you cannot make proper decisions on your own. You have made that very clear,” she hissed. 

 

Dumbledore cleared his throat. 

 

“Mrs. Black, I understand why you may believe that this is your choice to make, but the fact of the matter is that the sorting hat relies on the convictions and strengths of the student, not the parent.” 

 

She scoffed and turned her eyes up to the ceiling. 

 

“Based on his actions I would argue that Sirius doesn’t have convictions or strengths.”

 

Sirius’ jaw tightened. Before he could say anything, McGonagall shook her head, her lips in a line. 

 

“I beg to differ, Walburga.”

 

Walburga looked at McGonagall coolly, her head tipped to the side, watching the professor with distaste. Dumbledore cleared his throat. 

 

“Ultimately, it is Sirius’ choice.”

 

His mother glared at the Headmaster, looking, for a moment, as if she was going to argue. Instead, she turned to look at her son. Her eyes fixed on Sirius, burning into him, ignoring the others, and Sirius knew what she was doing. She was warning him, threatening him. She spoke softly. 

 

“Your refusal to abide by our families values has caused a considerable amount of trouble in our family.” She shook her head, an expression of concern crossing her face, and she spoke in a voice so sweet it was almost jarring, “I'm sure that you don't like this. I'm sure that you would like to avoid undesirable consequences. I understand, Sirius, I really do. I understand that you have people whom you are fond of, but those people will never be your family. For your own good, for your own wellbeing,” the softness in her voice disappeared, “Make the right decision.”

 

Sirius looked back at his mother. It was remarkable, how much she resembled Andromeda, but when Sirius looked into her eyes there was a hardness to them that he had never seen anyone else wear. He wondered what his eyes looked like, and what they would look like years and years from now, when he was thirty years old and long out of school. He wondered, at what point, would they start to look like hers, cold, gray, and lifeless. 

 

“The decision is up to you, Mr. Black,”

Dumbledore said calmly. 

 

Sirius smiled at his mother.. 

 

“Gryffindor.”

 

***

After Sirius was taken away by McGonagall, and after all the students had swelled into the hallways and then drained away again, Peter and James stood, leaned up against the brick wall of the hallway. James tilted his head back. He closed his eyes. Peter watched him, not impatient, just waiting. James inhaled and emptied the air back into the quiet hallway, shaking his head. 

 

“He's a werewolf.”

 

It was the first time any of them had admitted it. They had thought it over and over. It had perched on the tip of their tongues, and it had threatened to spill out in a whisper or a yell, but no one had dared to speak the word. Remus just was, and until James, they refused to say what. 

 

“Should we go find him?” Peter asked. “Talk to him about it?”

 

James shook his head. 

 

“No, no… we should go to the library. I don't know… research it. Wait for Sirius.” He nodded resolutely. “We should wait for Sirius.”

 

They set off down the hallway, James striding ahead with what appeared to be confidence, but when Peter watched him, he saw that James’ hands rarely left his hair, mussing it up over and over. Peter knew James was wrong. They should've gone left, not right, and they should've gone to find Remus before he lost his mind, but Peter let James walk. He knew that although James had said the word, to talk to Remus would be to admit it to themselves, and Peter didn't want to do that either. 

 

They found themselves in the restricted section, breathing in each other's breaths from the stifling cover of the invisibility cloak. James ran his finger along the backs of the books, mouthing the names to himself. Every time he came across one about werewolves he would pile it into Peter’s arms. After about ten books, when Peter sat down, refusing to take anymore, they began to read. 

 

_ “Among the most dangerous beasts in the known wizarding world.” _

 

_ “They are not animals, who cannot be blamed for their own savagery, and they are not people, who can be redeemed from their own nature. Werewolves make up a space between, the space where nightmares live. In short: They are monsters, in their purest form.” _

 

_ “Once a child is bitten, there is no saving them. In a parent’s endless and foolhardy love it may seem that allowing their child to live is the only option. This is a critical mistake.” _

 

Peter looked up from the book laid across his lap. 

 

“When do you think Remus was bitten?”

 

James was silent.

 

“James?”

 

“I don't know,” he whispered, and they both fell quiet. 

 

“ _ The danger of a lycanthrope lies not in its claws nor in its teeth. Instead, it lies in its head. They will trick you and those that you love. They will use their intelligence, their wit, to sway your moral standing. They will infiltrate human society, a place they do not belong, and then they will be free to succumb to their true bestial natures.” _

 

James slammed the book shut. The sound echoed through the library, but James didn’t bother to throw the invisibility cloak sprawled at their feet back over them. He put his head in his hands. Peter watched him and said nothing. 

 

“D’you think that Remus has read this?” James asked quietly. 

 

“Maybe.”

 

James stayed quiet a moment more.

“If,” James paused, his hands anchored on the closed book on the floor. “If this is what the world tells you. If every book you read, every law passed, everything you are taught tells you that you aren't human. If you're taught,” his voice wavered so slightly Peter swore he had missed it. “That you're better off dead. How can you not believe it?”

 

Peter shook his head. 

 

“How do you know he doesn't believe it?”

 

James looked at Peter for a long time. Sitting there in the library, books spread all around them, it felt as if they had been pulled somewhere else. The air was much too heavy, and what was happening, or what had happened, all of Remus’ scars, the speck of blood that James found on one of Remus’ jumpers, all of it, seemed to be unreal. It felt too vulgar to even discuss, like naming what Remus had gone through was impossible. 

 

****

 

By the time Remus had made his way to the infirmary, the bell had rung. The infirmary looked different in the day. It looked less lonely, but somehow, hollower than he had ever seen it. Madame Pomfrey sat at the bench in the corner picking leaves off of a purple branch surrounded with rings of spikes.  

 

“Madame Pomfrey.”

 

She looked up at him, her eyes flickering with recognition, and smiled warmly. 

 

“Are you feeling alright, dear?”

 

“Madame Pomfrey, I need a favor.”

 

Her hands stilled and she pushed herself up, walking to the other side of the bench.

 

“What kind of favor?”

 

Remus took a breath.

 

“I know that you can't make my scars go away. At least not the really bad ones. But I need you to help me cover up all the new ones I'm going to get.”

 

She sighed softly, shaking her head. 

 

“Remus, that takes a lot of spells, spells above your level. It's very time consuming-”

 

“I can learn.”

 

She paused, her eyes tracing the scar stretched across his face. Her gaze was soft, and for a moment, Remus thought that maybe she was looking at something else. He looked at her steadily, pleading. 

 

“I need this. I can't get any more marks or scars, okay? I can't. I need… to hide them.”

 

She paused, studying his desperate expression, before nodding to herself. 

 

“I think that if you really want to go to the trouble to do this, and hide it too, it would be better if we started with the non-spellwork options.”

 

She walked back to the bench and carefully turned the jars on the table to see the label, picking out one every few seconds. She beckoned Remus closer. On the table were five bottles of different consistencies, some ointments, some potions, some bubbling liquids that looked like mud.

 

“These will get your skin used to carrying heavy enchantments. Jumping into spells is a big step and can cause unpleasant side effects if your body is not used to it.” She handed him the bottles. “Take these. Follow their instructions, and apply them as many times a day as necessary. If anything bad happens, come to me.”

 

Remus smiled at her and gathered the bottles into his arms. 

 

“Thank you, Pomfrey, really.”

 

She shook her head and looked back down at the half shredded leaves on the table. 

 

“Don't thank me, Remus.”

 

***

The windows outside of Dumbledore’s study poured light into the hall. The light suspended dust in the air and guided it down from the rafters to the floor where Sirius’ feet stood. He watched the particles fall through the yellow warmth, disappearing the moment they touched the cleaning charms laid across the ground. The light looked so warm. He wanted to stop, to stay awhile, but every time his steps slowed he could feel his mother at his back, only a few flights away, and the chill of the January draft. 

 

He moved forward. Before he knew it, he was running, turning corners sharply and knocking into students out for lunch. He hadn't stopped to think or to wonder. He knew where James was, what he would be doing, and he knew that Remus was in the castle too, but Remus wasn’t James, and Sirius felt that now, he no longer knew who Remus was or where he would be. He told himself he didn't care where his roommate had run off to. He lied, and he ran. 

 

Madame Pince called out to him when he entered the library and Sirius slowed down, turned the corner of a bookshelf, and ran straight into air. He stumbled backward, and before he could do anything, a hand appeared and pulled him under. Peter looked him in the eyes, shook his head, and placed a finger to his lips. The invisibility cloak was soft on his skin, and it was much less cramped with Peter than it had been the night in the infirmary, so Sirius let Peter lead him past rows of bookshelves, deeper into the library, and finally, into the restricted section. 

 

James was sitting on the floor surrounded by books. Peter pulled the cloak off of them, and they both sat down.

 

“What did your mom say?” Peter asked. 

 

“The usual bullshit.”

 

James shut a book he was looking at and pushed his glasses up, frowning at Sirius. 

 

“She’s not taking you out of our dorm, right? Because if she is-”

 

Sirius shook his head. “No. She's not.”

 

“Why does she care so much?” Peter asked, his voice careful.

 

Sirius looked at the books before them, not reading them, but refusing to just cast his eyes down at nothing. His jaw tightened slightly.

 

“You've met Bellatrix. They're crazy. All of them.”

 

The three of them paused for a moment. 

James gave Sirius a small smile. 

 

“Well, you've got us, so it doesn't matter. Right, mate?”

 

Sirius smiled back, and they fell silent again. Peter shifted in his seat on the floor. 

 

“Yeah,” Peter said, clearing his throat, “Yeah, we have each other, but what are we going to do now? It's our responsibility isn't it? To do something about Remus. ”

 

“We're not going to do anything,” James said. 

 

Sirius frowned. “He's a werewolf.”

 

They made eye contact, challenging each other's stare. James cocked his eyebrow. “So?”

 

“So he's not like us. Look at these books, didn't you hear Professor Verity? He's a mon-”

 

“Sirius.” James cut him off. He was glaring at Sirius now, not just challenging, with a look of disgust on his face. Peter shook his head.

 

“Mate.”

 

“What?”

 

James shook his head at Sirius.

 

“You called them all crazy, but you sound just like your family.” Sirius’ mouth shut, and his eyebrows drew together, and for a moment, he looked almost vulnerable. In a moment, his face smoothed out again. 

 

“What? Do you want us to act as if nothing is wrong?”

 

“There  _ is _ nothing wrong, Sirius.”

James tore his eyes away from his friend and looked at Peter, too. “It's true. It's not Remus’ fault. And if we can't do this for him, if we can't understand that there are things none of us can control, if we can't, I don't know, accept that, then what's the point? Why even bother having friends?” James ran his fingers through his hair. “None of this means anything if we bail now, if we listen to this,” he scowled and gestured to the books at their feet. 

 

Peter's eyes were fixed on James. He untangled his hands in his lap and nodded. 

 

“Then we don't bail.”

 

James turned to Sirius. He took in his friend, slumped against the bookshelf, twisting his ring around and around his finger. “Sirius?” Sirius looked up. “Here's your out. You can go with your family if you want to. You know I can't stop you. Or you can choose us. Choose Remus.”

 

Sirius’ hands stopped and he looked up at the two of them. His expression hardened, and he raised his head, looking as if he had been challenged. After a moment, he gave a bitter smile. 

 

“If you think I'm choosing my family, you're out of your goddamn mind.”

 

****

Remus collapsed on the floor outside of the infirmary. The potions bottles bounced out of his arms and rolled forward. He dove after them, scrambling to catch them before they rolled down the stairs or shattered under someone's foot, wrapping his fingers around each bottle carefully and tightly, his knuckles turning white as he did. He sat back against the wall, the potions spread before him and took a breath. 

 

He needed this. They knew what he was now. He was sure of it. He had one last chance to throw them off, one last chance to salvage what his parents had given him. Remus arranged the bottles in front of him with shaking fingers. The next moon he would get out of the hospital wing as fast as he could, and he wouldn't limp, and he would cover every last scar, and he would be  _ fine _ . 

 

Remus searched for a piece of parchment in his bag, pulling out a quill and laying it on the ground. He wrote as fast as he could, in the loopy handwriting of his mother, focusing on each curve of the pen and not how his heart was beating so fast it rattled his rib cage. When he was finished, he looked at the letter. It looked like it was written by his mother, and he knew that if he left it on his bed in their dormitory, his three roommates would open it. They wouldn't know it was written by him. They would think that his mother was writing him, in tears, to tell him about how she was getting sicker. They would doubt themselves, Remus would cover his scars, and tonight, he would take a page out of their book and go find his file in the infirmary. When he did, Remus decided, he would burn it. Then there would be no evidence left for them to hold onto. 

 

Remus gathered up the letter and the potions and headed toward the dormitory. 

 

He would hide the truth, he had promised himself, promised his parents that much. They would not ruin this for him.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	16. Chapter 16-We Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys looked at him, waiting for his reaction. He could feel tears on his cheeks. He didn’t mean for them to be there, but they were, and he was staring back at them now, at his friends, just staring and nodding and staring and nodding and staring. They weren’t looking at their feet. No, they were looking into his eyes, blurrily half smiling and laughing. Remus choked out, “Is this real?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awwwwwwwwwww yay we're finally here! like 3% through the story but we're here! I did not have time to edit! i hope you like it anyways and if you read this please leave me a comment please please even if it's blackmail. enjoy! it's short but i'm just happy to be here!

The common room was filled with people. Since Verity’s class, since the look that Sirius had given him, since Remus had run out, it had seemed as if everywhere he turned there were eyes, and downturned mouths, and people. He had shouldered his way past students in the hallways, felt their breath on his neck, and through Remus’ walk from the infirmary, his grip on the letter in his hands hadn't loosened. He had ducked stares that weren't mean for him but burned just the same, and he had ran. 

 

He rubbed his finger against the smooth of the muggle envelope, looking out across the sea of armchairs and students. He was sure that the moment he stepped forward, they would see the letter in his hand, the lie he was holding, and that somehow the parchment would give him away. No one but him knew it wasn't written by his mother. No one but him knew that every word inside about her sickness was a desperate attempt to make his facade seem real, or at least too sad to be questioned. Still, Remus’ heart beat in his chest as he made his way across the room, and when he reached the stairs to the dormitories, the paper began to wrinkle in his hands, and when Remus made it to the top of the stairs, the letter had been almost forgotten. The doorknob was right there. He needed to reach out and turn it, and from then on it would be easy. 

 

Remus opened the door. On his bed, sat his three roommates. The letter dropped from Remus’ hand. They were looking at him solemnly, in the way Sirius had, with disguised fear and fascination, like they were watching a car crash, like he was an accident they just couldn't tear their eyes away from. Sirius wasn't looking at him this time. His eyes were on the floor, and Remus knew that this hadn't been a coincidence. They were waiting. 

 

“Remus,” James said in a low voice, “We need to talk to you.”

 

James was speaking to him. His mouth was moving, and the other two boys were sitting next to him, stoic and fidgeting, like kids in a church. Remus watched James’ face change and talk and explain how they had found out, how long it had taken them, what finally gave it away. Remus wasn’t listening, and he didn’t care. To him, James was a ghost from a life long over. His face was a familiar mark, like the scars Remus had no memory of making, yet were scratched into his skin, and although James looked like something familiar, he was fading now, irrelevant to the life that lay before Remus. He did wish James would stop talking. He would like to move on to whatever you do when everything ends.

 

They were staring at him now, all three of them silent and expecting him to speak. Remus didn’t. James tilted his head to the side.

 

“You’re our friend no matter what, you know that, right?”

 

The words had broken past the numbness. Remus was feeling something, but he didn’t know what. Remus shook his head.

 

“I’ll go pack my bags.”

 

James laughed.

 

“What? No, you’re not leaving.”

 

A knot formed in Remus’ throat, and he tried to swallow it down as he held eye contact with James’ smiling face. He knew what the feeling was now, it was something he should have felt before, cold fear. Remus slowly stood up. 

 

“Just let me go, okay? I won’t ever bother you again, I promise.”

 

Peter looked at him and frowned.

 

“We don’t want you to go.”

 

Remus looked around the room. There was the door to the common room, blocked by the three boys in front of him. The bathroom was behind him. It led nowhere but out onto the roof. He could feel his wand in his pocket. Remus inched his hand closer. 

 

Sirius shook his head.

“We’re not letting you run out on us, mate.”

 

Remus gripped his wand and slowly began to slide it out.

 

“We won’t tell anyone. All of us promised each other we wouldn’t. You don’t have to lie anymore,” James spoke softly, looking at him with what Remus recognized as pity, or maybe just sadness.

 

Remus stopped. 

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

James shook his head.

 

“We don’t care that you’re a werewolf.”

 

“Is this some kind of sick joke?”

 

“No, mate, we just wanted to tell you that we know,” Peter said.

 

“We’ll keep your secret,” Sirius muttered. 

 

Remus sat down. He stared at the faces of the three boys, no longer ghostlike or masks of something to run from, but full of concern. Remus put his wand down next to him.

 

“What?”

 

James frowned.

 

“What aren’t you getting here?”

 

“The whole thing.”

 

Peter looked at him steadily.

 

“We found out you’re a werewolf. We freaked out. We decided we didn’t care. We’re going to keep your secret. You don’t have to lie anymore.”

 

The boys looked at him, waiting for his reaction. He could feel tears on his cheeks. He didn’t mean for them to be there, but they were, and he was staring back at them now, at his  _ friends _ , just staring and nodding and staring and nodding and staring. They weren’t looking at their feet. No, they were looking into his eyes, blurrily half smiling and laughing. Remus choked out, “Is this real?”

 

James gave him a sad smile. 

 

“Did you really think we would care all that much? I mean, even if we did, it's not like we'd do anything about it.”

 

Remus looked to the corner of the room and let out a breath. 

 

“I thought you would try to expel me… or I don't know... something worse than that.”

 

Sirius made eye contact with Remus. He was folded into the corner of the bed, watching Remus through strands of hair that fell across his eyes. Remus wanted, in a shockingly desperate way, to know what he was thinking right then. Sirius parted his lips and said quietly, “And what did you think we would do?”

 

Remus looked at them helplessly, unable to explain in a way they could understand. He was an animal trapped in a cage, backed into a corner and terrified. They could never understand how much it hurt to live and breathe in such a small space, and at the same time, how viciously he would fight to protect it. Remus shook his head. 

 

“You can't tell anyone, you can't.”

“We're not going to,” Peter promised.

“I'm serious, if you tell anyone, anyone at all, it's over for me-”

 

“We promised each other we would keep your secret,” James said, looking at Sirius hunched behind them against the pillows. For a moment, his posture, his glare, looked disapproving, but fear flickered in his eyes, too, the kind of fear that wasn't aimed outward but twined inward, a reflection of how easy it would be to destroy this delicate balance they had struck. “And we’re going to keep that promise. Aren't we?” James looked at Sirius and Peter.

 

“Of course,” peter murmured.

 

“Sirius?”Sirius looked Remus in the eyes for the first time.

 

“I promise.”

 

That night, the three of them had found their way back into Remus' bed. Remus hadn’t particularly asked for them to be there, but suddenly they were, crowded around the edges, evidently expecting something. Remus waited.

 

"When were you bitten?" James asked. 

"Five"

"Do you remember it?"

"Yes."

James fell silent, and after a stuttering moment, Peter asked,"Did it hurt?” 

He already knew the answer, but there was nothing else to say. They were all too young to know how to say empty words like  _ I’m sorry _ or give sympathetic glances, so Peter settled for  _ did it hurt _ , and Sirius settled for staring at the wall, and James settled for sucking in breathes whenever Remus spoke, as if every word were hard to take. 

 

"Yes,” Remus said.

 

Peter nodded and looked at the floor. 

 

“Does it hurt now?” Sirius asked. Remus looked up. Sirius had been silent until now, but his eyes were curious, and in them Remus saw something familiar. 

 

“Yeah. That’s why I have to stay in the hospital wing every month. The wolf…” Remus paused. It felt unspeakably wrong to discuss this with them, like handing ammunition to somehow who was not sure which side they were on. It was too late to hide now, though, and Remus was tired of pretending that half of him wasn’t real. He had been fading away into his own stories, and somehow, through danger, or adrenaline, or maybe camaraderie, this was bringing him back.“The wolf has nowhere to go, so it tears me apart instead,” He finished.

 

“And you have no control over it?” said Peter.

 

Remus shook his head. James looked at him for a moment, then asked tentatively, “So, if there were people around…”

 

“I would bite them. Possibly kill them.”

 

Peter flinched at that, but Sirius was tilting his head and narrowing his eyes in the same way he did when he was figuring out the answer to a puzzle. 

 

“If you bit me now what would happen?” He asked. 

 

James glared at his friend.

“You want to test it out?”

 

“Will I die?”

 

James knocked Sirius’ shoulder. “How insensitive can you be?” Sirius shrugged.

“I was just asking.”

 

Remus let out a shaky breath. “No. You won’t die. Nothing will happen.”

 

They all fell silent for a moment. Wind blew through the window, gusting cold January air into the room. Remus wasn’t sure why it was open, but James stood up and looked out of it, furtively searching for people below, before slamming it shut. Peter broke the silence.

 

“How do you transform wearing clothes?”

 

James wrinkled up his nose.“What?”

 

“I’m just wondering, ‘cause wouldn’t the beast rip them apart?”

 

Remus laughed slightly.“Yeah, errr, it does.”

 

“So do your clothes have little velcro things on them? Like tearaways?”

 

Remus looked at him incredulously.“No.”

 

Peter nodded. “Someone should make those.”

 

“There’s not a huge market for werewolves.”

 

“What’s velcro?” James interjected. 

 

Remus didn’t manage to kick the other three out of his bed until three hours later, when the sun had sunk behind the trees and they had missed dinner. James declared he was going to bribe people in the common room, with what it wasn’t clear, to scrounge up something to eat, and Peter followed. 

 

Remus watched himself in the bathroom mirror. The lights in the bathroom were flickering, half of them had burned out in an experiment James and Sirius had done, but Remus could see well enough. He traced his eyes over his scar. Behind him, the door clicked shut, and Sirius was standing in the entrance to the bathroom, his eyes skating over Remus. 

 

“Hey, Sirius.”

 

Sirius didn’t respond, picking up his toothbrush.Remus took a breath. 

 

“Look, Sirius. If you can't deal with this, I'll leave the dormitory. But you have to tell me.”

 

Sirius looked at Remus out of the corner of his eye. 

 

“I don't care that you're a werewolf.”

 

“You don't see me differently, then?”

 

Sirius paused.

 

“You're still Remus.”

 

Sirius put his toothbrush down on the sink and raised his wand, flicking his wrist and turning off the lights. He turned away from Remus, his eyes fixed on the sink, face half cloaked in shadows, but he didn't leave the room. Remus asked quietly, “Then what's the problem here?”

 

Sirius turned and looked at Remus. Remus’ face was muddled in the blackness, but even through the dark, his eyes glinted with yellow light. 

 

“You lied. Even when we told you the truth. You lied. Over and over.”

 

“I had to. I had no other choice. I couldn't have told anyone the truth.”

 

“I know.” Sirius’ response was quick.

 

Remus could barely make out Sirius’ face. Every time his eyes rested on a concrete part of it, it would shift into something else, maybe an eye, or a jut of cheekbone. Remus could feel the quiet between them, and it weighed heavier than the expressions he was struggling to make out in the dark. After a moment, he asked quietly “Haven't you ever lied about something because you didn't want it to be real?”

 

Sirius looked at him for a moment, his mouth half open, as if measuring the weight of his answer. 

 

“Yes.”


	17. Chapter 17-Hagrid's Hut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day, they passed him toast at breakfast and cracked jokes with him, and Remus felt that it was too good to be true, like he had made up all of this, and any moment he would be called back to the living room in his small house and find himself alone. He never was, and when Sirius positioned his hand so that it wouldn’t touch his own as he passed Remus toast, Remus didn’t push it. In the coming days, they asked him more questions. Some of them were stupid like What would happen if you lost your leg and got a prosthetic? Would you need a special fake werewolf leg to walk? Or would you be fine? Who would make that for you? And sometimes they asked him questions like do you ever wish that you were someone else? The answer that he would never tell them was yes. He used to wish it everyday. Instead he said, not so much anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm real sleepy so if there are any glaring errors or confusing parts, that's why (ummm pls tell me if there are). I wasn't actually planning on writing this today. I sat down to plot second year and the end of first year and then this suddenly happened. so yay! I hope no one minds the weird time jump. I want to finish up first year in a satisfying way but the most important event is over, so we're going to have a mini sub plot and then head into second year where sHIT GOES DOWN.
> 
> also thank you to everyone for all of the amazing comments on my last chapter. I don't know if all of you are new readers or not, but I'm glad to have you here! I love feedback and it means a lot that you put in the effort to give me some :)

 

Remus had told them a month ago. He hadn’t told them, actually. They had pried their way in, stripped back the defenses he had so carefully lain, and decided that he was alright, wolf and all. The night they found out, he crumpled up the fake letter from his mother. He abandoned all plans to make them believe he was anything but what he was. It was useless. A deep, base, part of him knew that. They had found him where he thought he had so carefully hidden and pulled him into their universe without question or hesitation. 

 

That first night they had gone to bed in the same room as they always did. They had laid down, and they had said goodnight to him, but he could hear something different in their voices, concern or fear, he wasn’t sure. When Remus lay awake, he could hear James tossing and turning and how Peter’s breathes never lulled into sleep. 

 

The next day, they passed him toast at breakfast and cracked jokes with him, and Remus felt that it was too good to be true, like he had made up all of this, and any moment he would be called back to the living room in his small house and find himself alone. He never was, and when Sirius positioned his hand so that it wouldn’t touch his own as he passed Remus toast, Remus didn’t push it. In the coming days, they asked him more questions. Some of them were stupid like  _ What would happen if you lost your leg and got a prosthetic? Would you need a special fake werewolf leg to walk? Or would you be fine? Who would make that for you?  _ And sometimes they asked him questions like  _ do you ever wish that you were someone else?  _ The answer that he would never tell them was yes. He used to wish it everyday. Instead he said,  _ not so much anymore _ . 

 

They went to classes, and Sirius got them all in detention for trying to climb out the window during Binn’s lesson while they stood as lookouts. Afterwards, Sirius told them they weren’t very good lookouts, so really it was their own fault they got caught. Sirius woke up the next day with James’ shoe shoved inside his school bag. They asked Remus for help with homework, and yelled at him when he took too long in the shower, and at night, Remus would lay awake, smiling to himself. 

 

One night, a week before the next full moon, James’ voice had called out through the dark. 

 

“I was reading about werewolves, and I found this book on cures that people have tried. Some bloke in Whales says that this potion he took worked for him.”

 

Remus wanted to say  _ there are no cures, trust me. There is nowhere on this Earth that holds a cure for what I am. My parents went broke searching, and I spent my childhood following them wherever they looked. I will always be this way. It’s okay.  _ Instead he said, “Is that so?”

 

“Yeah,” James responded, “I don’t know if any of them are real but… maybe.”

 

No one said anything more. Peter and Sirius didn’t chime in with possibilities. They fell asleep and thought of what James had almost said, ( _ maybe we can fix you _ ) turning it over in their minds. 

Remus thought,  _ No. No one can.  _

 

They insisted that they accompany him down to the Willow. Remus was tired from fighting against the pull of the moon, and he didn't have it in him to argue. He wasn’t sure what he would be arguing for, so he shrugged his shoulders and went back to packing his tattered bag with water and bandages. 

 

Peter sat down on his bed and watched him pull clothing out of his drawers. 

 

“So the wolf is most aggressive when he’s hungry, right?”

 

Remus frowned.

 

“Yeah. I guess so.”

 

“Did you eat enough at dinner?” James asked, popping his head out from behind his bed curtain. 

 

Remus nodded.

 

“Well,” Peter said, still on the previous subject, “what if we fed it lasagna?”

 

Sirius made a face.

 

“LasAGna?”

 

“Yeah. The dish with all the little noodles and sauce and such-”

 

“No. I know what it is, Peter.”

 

Peter frowned. 

 

“Yeah, so what if-”

 

Sirius shook his head, cutting him off, “No, you said Las-AG-na.”

 

“It has a ‘G’ in it, doesn’t it?”

 

Sirius looked disgusted. Remus picked up his bag. 

 

“Okay, we should head down. Pomfrey wants me down there early so she can check on me before moonrise.”

 

James nodded and jumped up from his bed, grabbing his invisibility cloak. They walked out and down into the common room, the other three talking with each other as Remus listened in, trying to drown out his growing headache. When they made it down to the first floor, Peter stopped. 

 

“Wait, should we go out the front or the back door?”

 

James frowned. 

 

“Why would we use the back doors?”

 

“So less people see us. I’m sure Remus doesn’t want to be seen too much, and the teachers might be suspicious. I think it’s a better idea.”

 

Sirius shook his head.

 

“I’m not trusting you. You say las- _ ag _ -na.”

 

Remus laughed slightly. 

 

“Sirius, mate, let it go. Pete’s right.”

 

“About las-”

 

Remus shook his head.

 

“No, about the doors. We should use the one on the side of the castle.”

 

They walked along the walls of the first floor farther away from the Dining Hall where some stragglers were still eating dinner. The castle was quiet, and the only sound as they drew closer to the small door that opened onto the grounds was their footsteps and breath. Remus glanced at his friends and thumbed the strap of his bag. It felt unreal, and slightly wrong, that they were walking beside him, nonchalantly, as he marched towards the shack with the same foot-dragging offbeat rhythm he always did. He was being drawn by lack of choice, but they were coming, for no other reason that Remus could think of besides friendship. When they reached the door, he rested his hand on the handle and looked at them. 

 

“You guys have to leave as soon as I go inside, okay? I don’t want anyone to see you or… I don’t know.”

 

James smiled. 

 

“Aw, we were going to tag along with you. Make it a party.”

 

Remus looked at him in disbelief, and James laughed. 

 

“I’m joking. We will. We promise.”

 

Remus nodded. 

 

“Okay. Yeah. And don’t… you can’t tell anyone about the tree-”

 

“We’re not going to,” Peter said calmly. 

 

Remus looked to Sirius who gave him a smile that lifted the weight that had settled in Remus’ lungs away. 

 

“We said we’d keep your secret, didn’t we?”

 

Remus nodded and turned towards the grounds. The world was still bathed in orange light from the setting sun and Remus tilted his face up to it, feeling the warmth on his skin, letting it soak in as if he could keep it. When they reached the edge of the Whomping Willow, he stopped and looked at the treeline. His friends said nothing, just stood by his side and waited. Birds sang away the last part of the evening, and Remus turned to meet the boy’s eyes. 

 

“Okay. So…”

 

“This is it,” James said. 

 

Remus gave him a weak smile. 

 

“Be careful,” Peter murmured. 

 

Sirius nodded. 

 

“Yeah, we like you Moony. Don’t be coming back too bandaged up.”

 

Remus laughed.

 

“I’m sorry, what did you just call me?”

 

“It’s your new nickname,” James added. 

 

“Yeah,” Sirius said, “It’s traditional to give teenage werewolves a nickname when they come out to their friends.”

 

“Is it now?” Remus asked, barely containing his laughter. “I didn’t think there was anything traditional about that sentence.”

 

Peter shrugged. 

 

“The more you know.”

 

Remus grinned at his friends, taking in their faces one last time. In the next moment, he swallowed the lump in his throat and turned towards the Willow, with the same reckless courage it took to jump off a cliff, or say something you had been dreading for years, and with an instant of steeled nerves, he began to walk away. 

 

“Be safe, Moony,” Sirius called behind him.

 

James’ voice added softly, “See you tomorrow.”

 

Remus smiled. Tomorrow. For the first time, he lived in a world of tomorrows. 

 

**

 

After Remus had made them close their eyes and disappeared, presumably into the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack where he would transform, the three boys stood for a moment, watching the lazily moving arms of the willow. The branches brushed past them, touching the sides of their arms and tips of their hair every once and awhile. 

 

“Do you think he’ll be alright?” Peter asked.

 

James nodded. 

 

“He always is, isn’t he?”

 

With that, they headed toward the Forbidden Forest at the edge of the grounds. Peter walked a little closer to the two others than he had before. 

 

“James?”

 

“Yeah, Pete?”

 

“What exactly are we looking for?”

 

“Umm… Sirius? What are we looking for?”

 

Sirius looked down at his hand. 

 

“ _ Igniradix.  _ Or maybe,  _ igr-wadix _ ? The ink has smudged.”

 

James waved his hand.

 

“Doesn’t matter. I know what it looks like.”

 

They had reached the edge of the forest by now, and Sirius began to wade forward into the thrush and grass. Peter stayed back.

 

“And it’s for the potion? To help Remus?”

 

James nodded. 

 

“Yeah. I mean, it will probably help. I don’t know.”

 

Sirius looked at him skeptically, and James grimaced. 

 

“Worth a shot, right?”

 

Sirius shook his head. 

 

“We’re giving him some random potion?”

James stopped where he was combing through the underbrush and straightened up, pushing up his glasses. 

 

“It’s not some random potion. I read about it and sources say it can help alleviate lycanthropy-”

 

At that moment, there was a crashing behind them, and all three of them spun around. Emerging from the edge of the woods was a man about 12 feet tall with a flushed and ruddy face that looked enraged. 

 

“WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YEH DOIN’ BACK HERE!” The man yelled. 

 

He crashed into a patch of light falling through the canopy and the three boys recognized him as Hagrid the gameskeeper of the school. Peter stumbled back behind a tree, and James grabbed the invisibility cloak he had brought along from the ground, before dropping it again, realizing it was too late. 

 

“Err…” Peter began to stutter, staring at his friends with wide eyes. Sirius stepped forward.

 

“We’re just studying, sir.” 

 

Hagrid stared at them, dumbfounded for a moment before bellowing, “Whatta yeh mean studyin’? Yer in the Forbidden Forest! Students are suppose ter stay out of here, especially after curfew!”

 

He grabbed the back of their shirts and dragged them toward the edge of the forest. Sirius fought against his grip, dragging his feet along the ground, but in a second Hagrid had carried them out of the forest and into the clearing where his cottage was.

 

“Hey! Hey!” James yelled, “Wait a second, here us out, okay?”

 

Hagrid looked down at them.

 

“I have ‘alf a mind to give all of yeh detention right now.”

 

James nodded. 

 

“Yeah, I know, but we were just-”

 

“Looking at the plants. We’re really interested in magical beings,” Sirius finished. 

 

“And looking for you,” James added. Hagrid stuffed his hands in his pockets, letting go of Peter’s shirt. James continued. “We have some questions about magical creatures.”

 

Hagrid drew his bushy eyebrows into a frown. 

 

“Why don't yeh ask Kettleburn? I don’t teach care of magical creatures.”

 

“Kettleburn doesn’t like us much,” James explained, “not after we let all those bats loose in the Great Hall at Halloween and he had to get them out.”

 

The corner of Hagrid’s mouth quirked up. The sun was setting and casting shadows across the grounds, but even in the dimming light, he looked almost amused. Peter stepped forward a bit, darting his eyes between his friends.

 

“We’re sorry for coming so late. We know we’re supposed to be out right now, but we just have a few questions.”

 

Hagrid shook his head.

 

“Should’a come during the day. Don’t know what you were thinkin’ bein’ out in the Forbidden Forest on a full moon…”

 

“Come on,” Sirius said. “You wouldn’t turn away a couple of curious students, right? You’re the only person that we can ask.”

 

The Gameskeeper paused, eyeing them over. For a moment, he looked as if he would shake his head and lead them inside to whoever would dole them out detention, but then the doors to the school swung open, spilling light all across the school grounds, and Madame Pomfrey came strolling out. Hagrid pushed the three boys toward the doorway to his ramshackle cottage.

 

“Get inside then, if you don’t want trouble.”

 

The boys darted forward, nearly tripping over their legs as they slid in through the crack in Hagrid’s door. The house was small, and it looked like it only had two rooms. The room they were in was softly glowing with firelight and everything was made out of wood or quilts that looked like they had been knitted by a blind man. James walked forward, examining everything in the room, running his hands over the table, and Sirius stood with his ear pressed against the door. 

 

Madam Pomfrey’s voice floated in from outside. 

 

“Have you seen any unaccounted for students, Hagrid?”

“No, ma’am,” He answered gruffly. 

 

Madam Pomfrey made a soft noise of agreement. 

 

“Okay, well, I have other business to attend to. I just wanted to make sure that everything was in order before moonrise. I’ll see you later, Hagrid.”

 

Hagrid muttered something that sounded like “Of course, Pomfrey”, but Sirius couldn’t tell, because at that moment, a streak of brown fur came barreling into the cottage and leaped into the air, tackling Peter to the ground. Sirius fell back against the door, slamming it closed, but he could still hear Pomfrey saying, “Good heavens!” and Hagrid saying something about that “nosy dog makin’ lots of trouble” and rushing up the steps. Sirius dove forward, trying to pull the dog that was slobbering all over Peter’s face off of his friend while James tugged on Peter’s shoulders and stumbled directly back into Hagrid. 

 

“I told’ya to be quiet!” Hagrid was looking down at them almost fearfully, and he stuck his head out the door one last time, waving to Pomfrey, before quickly pulling it shut. The cabin suddenly felt much smaller with Hagrid towering over them, his face illuminated by the lamps he had scattered around. He was glowering at them, but his eyebrows were drawn in concern.The dog leaped off of Peter and into Hagrid’s arms where the gameskeeper caught him as if he weighed nothing at all.

 

“He jumped on-” spluttered James, pointing to Peter who was still wiping spit off of his face.

 

Hagrid shook his head, putting the dog down on the floor, and Peter ducked behind Sirius.

 

“Yeah, well, he does that sometimes.” He turned towards the cramped kitchen, bending down to fill up a kettle with water. “You want any tea?”

 

After Hagrid had calmed Moose, the giant newfoundland that lived with him, and had poured them each a cup of very sweet tea, they found themselves all cramped around the oak table in the corner of the room. The sun had almost been pulled beneath the ragged edge of the trees, and even through the curtains pulled across Hagrid’s window, the moon glowed. They all waited in silence for the Gameskeeper to say something. He took a large gulp of the tea in his mug, and for a second, Sirius thought that he had seen Hagrid slip something stronger than tea in there. Hagrid wiped his mustache and looked at them.

 

“Now why were you lot really out in the forest?”

 

James grinned.

 

“Well, technically we weren’t really in the forest. We were more on the edge of it.”

 

Hagrid waved his hand. 

 

“Enough, with yer codswallop. Nearly got me in a load of trouble out there.” He took another sip of his tea to hide the smile on his face. The boys looked at each other, and Sirius cleared his throat.

 

“We were looking for some ingredients for a potion,” Sirius said. “They don’t have what we need in the school supply.”

 

“What kinda potion?”

 

“For a prank,” Peter cut in. 

 

Hagrid paused in drinking his tea and shook his head. 

 

“What? Are you addicted ter detention?”

 

James shrugged.

 

“Something like that.”

 

Hagrid put down his mug and shook his head. 

 

“Don’t bother tryna steal from the woods.” He pointed at them. “S’not worth the risk and yeh never know if what ye’ve picked is what you think it is. Might end up blowin’ up the whole bloody dormitory if yer not careful.” He bit into one of the cakes that was sitting in the middle of the table. They looked like they had gone stale weeks ago and forgotten about. Peter made a face. “Plus, I know everything that goes on around these grounds.”

 

“We know you do,” Sirius said carefully. “That’s why we want to ask you something.”

 

Hagrid scoffed. “If you lot are here to ask me for a pet dragon or somehin’ of the sort, I’m not givin’ it to yeh. Not after what happened last Christmas.” 

 

None of them dared to ask what that meant. James shook his head. “We’re not looking for you to get us anything. We just want to ask you what you know.”

 

“About werewolves,” Sirius finished. 

 

James nodded. 

 

“And how to cure them.”

 

Hagrid looked at them for a long while. Whether it was because he was thinking or because he was still chewing on his piece of cake, neither of them could tell, but after a moment he said, “There’s no cure fer werewolves. Many people have tried and many have failed and of’entimes end up puttin’ the poor bloke in worse off shape than they were in before. It’s a sad thing, how this world treats ‘em.”

 

Peter frowned. 

 

“But isn’t there at least something? Werewolves have been around for hundreds of years. How has nobody found a cure?”

 

“Because nobody cares,” Hagrid grunted.

 

“What about the cures nobody talks about?” Sirius asked. 

 

Hagrid looked over at Sirius who was leaning back in his chair, looking at the Gameskeeper with mingled amusement and severity. There was something in the young boy’s gray eyes that said he already knew that somewhere these things existed, and there was something else, too, that said he would not stop searching until he found them. Hagrid looked down at his hands and shook his head. 

 

“They’re out there, sure. But at what kinda cost? Fer most people, it’s just not worth it.”

 

“What do you know about them?” Sirius asked again. 

 

“Not much. Heard horror stories. People tryna separate their souls from their bodies and put them back in again, bleeding until they’re almos’ dead, hoping that it’ll bleed out the curse. Most of ‘em are pretty gruesome.”

 

“Are there any that are… less gruesome?” Peter asked. 

 

Hagrid looked up at the three boys. They were leaning across the table, eyes trained on him with a fixed intensity.

“Why are ye asking me all this, huh? None of ye are werewolves. Hopin’ that you can find the cure and get rich quick?”

 

The three of them stuttered to a pause. Then, Peter blurted out, “We’re writing a book.”

 

Hagrid’s eyebrows shot up beneath the brim of his hunting cap. 

 

“A book, you say?”

 

Sirius nodded. 

 

“Yeah, we’re really interested in magical creatures, especially werewolves, and we figure this will get us extra credit.”

 

Hagrid’s face broke into a smile. 

 

“A bit far to go for extra credit, eh? What’s it called, then?”

 

The boys fell silent, looking to each other, with quiet desperation, listening to the passing seconds of silence and scrambling for an answer. 

 

“It’s called,” James looked at his friends one last time. “Are you awere....” he paused, staring at Hagrid. “-of werewolves?”

 

Hagrid wrinkled up his nose. 

 

“That’s yer title?”

 

“Yep. The more puns the better, right?”

 

“That’s not always true,” Hagrid grumbled.

 

Sirius shrugged. 

 

“It’s more of a work in progress. But if we ever want to end up pursuing our passion for magical creatures, we need your knowledge, don’t we?”

 

Hagrid narrowed his eyes at them for a moment, taking in their faces, tinted with amusement and fixed with curiosity. His eyes darted out the window at the grounds, now completely dark and bathed in moonlight. Somewhere, far off in the distance, Hagrid thought he heard a howl. He shook his head. 

 

“Okay, okay. I’ll tell yeh what I know. But you lot need to keep it quiet, alright? I don’ want people gettin’ the impression that I’m teachin’ yeh how to do all sorts of illegal things. Purely for educational purp’ses, got it?”

 

All of them nodded. Hagrid leaned back in his chair and folded his hands across his stomach, looking at them over his beard. 

 

“Like I said, most of the cures are pretty dangerous. Even worse, most people that are doin’ ‘em are scamming the poor people who need it and don’t give a damn what happens to ‘em. I’ve heard talk of all sorts’a things. None of it works as far as I know. But most people who are bit die by their first transformation, so they’re pretty ready to try anything, I suppose. I’ve also heard of experimental treatments and ointments for removin’ the curse as soon as the people get the bite, and it seems like we’re mighty close to bein’ able to help people who’re freshly bitten.”

 

“What about those who have had their bites for years? Or who don’t get to a healer on time?” Sirius asked. 

 

Hagrid eyed him. 

 

“That’s who all those dangerous cures are aimed toward. We don’t have anythin’ to help those poor blokes, well, almost nothin’.”

 

James leaned forward. 

 

“What does that mean?”

 

Hagrid shifted in his seat. 

 

“It’s all speculation. At least that’s what I think, but yeh see, when someone becomes a werewolf, the saliva of the wolf that bit ‘em gets into their body, and from there the curse gets into their bloodstream and latches onto the iron in their blood. That’s why you can’t get rid of it. It’s everywhere. By the time their first transformation comes around, it’s made its way into every cell in their body.” 

 

Hagrid’s face had fallen, and in the dim light of the cabin, the wrinkles that were beginning to form around his eyes were crinkling up into an expression of sadness. Sirius felt a chill go along his arms. It wasn’t the thought of werewolf bites or contamination, it was the weight of an unshakable curse in your blood that shook him, the weight Remus must feel everyday, and the weight that in some ways, Sirius felt too. Sirius pushed this thought away, and he looked at Hagrid again. 

 

“Once the curse’s contaminated their whole body, you can’t bleed it out. It’s stuck there. But there’s rumours of this little urchin called a  _ lapisvampire _ , that lives at the bottom of deep water so far down no sunlight reaches ‘em. They suck in all the nutrients nearby to survive, and if you swallow one, they’ll suck up as much of the iron and nutrients in your body as they can-”

 

“-And they’ll suck up the curse, too,” Peter finished quietly. 

 

Hagrid nodded. 

 

“That’s what they’re sayin’. But yeh need to swallow ‘em multiple times in order to get all the iron out, and yeh need’ta keep replenishin’ what was lost. Problem is, everytime you swallow one, you don’ really know what it took, and rumours say that if you survive the whole process, you won’t be a wizard anymore, ‘cause it took the magic with it, too.”

 

Silence fell over the room like the curtain of evening that had come while they weren’t looking. The boys thanked Hagrid, and he offered them slices of cake, and they made up excuses about  _ too much dinner  _  and  _ feeling a bit off _ . Hagrid worried about accompanying them back to the castle in the dark and the boys assured him they could make it the short way. They all crept out the door, and James gripped the invisibility cloak in his hand as they walked back toward the castle. He waited for them to make their way out of Hagrid’s view from where he stood in the doorway, his dog curled around his legs, watching them go. Peter looked at the shape of the man that was almost eclipsing all of the light falling out of the house.

 

“D’you think he’s lonely?”

 

James shrugged. 

 

“Maybe. Maybe that’s why he let us go instead of getting us in trouble.”

 

“-And why he told us all of that,” Sirius finished. 

 

Peter nodded. He reached for the cloak as they turned the edge of the stone path and came in clear view of the castle. 

 

“People do crazy things when they’re lonely.”

 

Sirius looked towards the jagged horizon and traced his eyes down to where he knew the shack would be if they could see it in the dark. 

 

“Yeah,” he murmured. “Yeah, they do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is nineandthreequarterrs if you want to check out my other writing :)


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pomfrey looked between the three of them, examining the looks on their faces, and began to shake her head slightly, but Remus called out from behind her, “It’s okay. I want them here.”
> 
> Pomfrey turned around and looked at Remus. He was propped up on his bed, wincing in pain, but staring at her with certainty. She paused and then asked him in a slow voice, “Are you sure about that, Mr. Lupin?”
> 
> He nodded. She looked back at the three boys, and for a moment, her lips downturned and her eyes flickered with sadness. She smiled at them softly, and then took a breath and drew herself up and said, “Very well. But when I see that Mr. Lupin needs rest, you will leave without protest, understood?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my children. I have returned. I'm like Voldemort, you think you've seen the last of me, so you go back to your normal lives, and then all of a sudden, I'm here, I'm noseless, and I'm demanding your loyalty. I'm sure you have spent many restless nights awake thinking "oh god! when will she post the next chapter of twice before the close? It's been almost a month! Is this the end!" But no. I am here to appease your worried souls. Okay, I'm tired of typing like this. I had trouble planning the end of first year and was completely stuck for awhile, but now I've done it, and we're good to go. I've made it my goal to write the next seven chapters in this coming week before school starts, so even when junior year is kicking my ass and crushing my soul, you, my lovely readers, will have weekly updates. we'll see how that goes, but I will do my darnedest.
> 
> On a more serious note, I don't know the exact date, but it is about my one year anniversary of writing twice before the close! If you have been here since the beginning, or even, really, the middle, I love you and appreciate your support immensely. As a writer, feedback motivates me more than anything else, and I hope all of you know how much I love your comments and how much I adore that sweet sweet rush of dopamine when I see a little ao3 email pop up on my phone. I am slightly embarrassed that it took me a year to write 25 chapters, but that was because I stopped writing for about six months in the middle. I can promise you now, (or try) that I love writing too much and that will not happen again. It's going to be hard to find time to write, much less write fanfic, this year with all the crazy stuff I have going on, but I will do what it takes to not go disappearing on you again. If you want updates on posting schedules and other marauders writing go follow me on tumblr @nineandthreequarterrs.
> 
> anyhoo, thank you for sticking with me, thank you for reading this rambling passage, and thank you (in advance) for reading this chapter! I hope you enjoy. It is fluffy, and calm, and a nice break, before we get right back into the antics and drama of the marauders. I didn't really edit, because I wrote it so fast, but time will tell as to whether or not I'll regret that.

“My brother says that if you hang upside down for twenty seconds, then sit up again, then do that fifteen more times, you’ll throw up.”

 

Sirius turned away from where he had his face smushed up against the stained glass of the infirmary.

 

“Pete, I don’t think vomiting on the floor of the infirmary will get us in.”

 

“It could. She might think I’m sick.”

 

James shook his head. “Yeah, but then she’ll realize you’re not actually sick and that you just made yourself throw up, and we’ll get kicked out again.”

 

Peter leaned back against the stone wall behind the benches and sighed. “Well, does anyone have any better ideas?”

 

“Do you guys have any allergies?” Sirius asked.

 

James raised his hand slightly. “Everytime I eat more than 9 blueberry muffins, I throw up.”

 

“That’s not an allergy,” Peter murmured. 

 

Sirius made a disgusted face and slid down the infirmary door. “No more about throwing up, please.”

 

Just then, the door swung backwards, and Sirius fell into the infirmary, directly onto Madame Pomfrey’s feet. She looked down at them and raised her eyebrows. 

 

“And what, exactly, are you three doing here?”

 

Sirius smiled up at her. “We were just coming to say hi, Madame Pomfrey.”

 

“We hope you’re having a  _ lovely _ day, Poppy,” James added. 

 

“Don’t call me, Poppy. I am Pomfrey to you, and if you think that I am even slightly fooled by that, you are mistaken.”

 

Peter stood up and looked between his friends shakily. “We just want to see Remus.”

 

“Mr. Lupin is-”

 

Peter shook his head and stepped closer, his eyes desperate. He cut Pomfrey off gently and said “Yes, we know. And I know that you won’t just let us in for no reason, but if you ask him, he’ll say he wants us here. We won’t cause any trouble. We swear. We just… want to be there for our friend.”

 

James raised an eyebrow at Peter, then smoothed his expression out once again, nodding vigorously. Pomfrey looked between the three of them, examining the looks on their faces, and began to shake her head slightly, but Remus called out from behind her, “It’s okay. I want them here.”

 

Pomfrey turned around and looked at Remus. He was propped up on his bed, wincing in pain, but staring at her with certainty. She paused and then asked him in a slow voice, “Are you sure about that, Mr. Lupin?”

 

He nodded. She looked back at the three boys, and for a moment, her lips downturned and her eyes flickered with sadness. She smiled at them softly, and then took a breath and drew herself up and said, “Very well. But when I see that Mr. Lupin needs rest, you will leave without protest, understood?”

 

They all nodded, and she swung the door open for them to walk through and over to Remus’ bed in the far corner. As they all pulled up chairs, she gave them one last, lingering, look, before walking into her office. 

 

“I can’t believe that worked!” James hissed, clapping Peter on the back. 

 

Sirius shook his head. “How did you do that, mate?”

 

Peter shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I’m good at getting people to trust me.”

 

Remus opened one eye and smiled at his friends. “You’re lucky she let you in at all. She’s been yelling at me to sleep all day. Almost force fed me a sleeping potion this morning.”

 

“You alright?” James asked. Remus pushed himself up on his elbows again while screwing his face up in pain, and James reflexively put out his hand to steady his friend. 

 

“You mean besides turning into a werewolf?” Sirius grimaced at the word, and Remus continued on, “I’m pretty good. Dislocated my shoulder, but other than that, this time wasn’t so bad.”

 

Peter reached into his bag, pulled out scone, and pushed it toward Remus, “They were serving these at breakfast. Figured you wouldn’t want to miss them.”

 

Remus’ face lit up, and he grinned at them with such genuine and disarming happiness that James gave him a small, lopsided, smile, and asked, “You alright, mate?”

 

Remus laughed slightly and took a bite. “Yeah. It’s just nice to have other people here. It gets boring.”

 

“Well we’re anything but boring,” Sirius said.

 

Remus looked up at him, and nodded slightly. It was the first time Sirius had spoken since they had walked into the room, and when he had spoken, he had met Remus’ eyes, without avoiding the scratches on his face or the bandage wrapped around his shoulder. Remus swallowed thickly. It was an odd sight, Sirius, a perfect image of a pureblood, with his Gryffindor tie in disarray, sitting next to Remus, the day after a full moon. It struck Remus what being here meant for Sirius, and what it meant for himself. Remus wasn’t sure how to put it into words, or how to reach out a hand without seeming odd, so instead,  he nodded at Sirius and gave him a warm smile with shaky edges. Sirius smiled back and settled deeper into his seat. 

 

“When’s the next moon?” James asked.

 

Remus looked down at the scone, picking crumbs off of it. “About the same time next month. A few days before my birthday.”

 

Peter frowned. “Will you be in the hospital wing for your birthday?”

 

“Probably. It’s okay. I’m not much for birthdays anyway.”

 

James shrugged modestly. “I know what you mean. I’m not either.”

 

“Yeah, right,” Sirius smirked. “Is that why you ordered forty house-elves to follow you around singing  _ happy birthday _ this year? McGonagall almost had a hemorrhage.”

 

James picked a piece off of the scone and chucked it at his friend. “I can’t help that people adore me, Sirius. And it’s not my fault that McGonagall was so overtaken with excitement that she went that funny shade of red in the face-”

 

“I don’t think it was enthusiasm that you were alive that made her go that color.” Remus added, “It was probably the opposite.” 

 

“What about you, Sirius?” Peter asked. “My birthday’s in the summer, so you’re the last one.”

 

Sirius didn’t meet Peter’s eyes. Instead, he leaned over and picked off a piece of Remus’ scone. Remus tried to yank it away, but Sirius snagged the end bit. “Yeah, no. My birthday was in November.”

 

“ _ What? _ ” James was staring at Sirius with wide eyes and his mouth half open, as if Sirius had said something unspeakably horrible. “Your birthday already  _ happened _ ? And you didn’t  _ tell  _ us?”

 

Sirius shrugged and reached towards the scone. Remus shoved the remaining bite in his mouth, and Sirius scowled. 

 

“Why didn’t you tell us?” James asked again. 

 

“My family doesn’t celebrate birthdays.”

 

Remus pulled himself up on the bed a bit and frowned. “You’ve never had a birthday party?” 

 

Sirius shook his head. 

 

“Birthday cake?” Peter asked. 

Sirius shrugged. 

 

“Presents?” James added. 

 

“My parents gave me weird old heirlooms. I mean, they’d show me them, and then put them in a locked room, and I’d never see them again. So I guess that counts.”

 

“It doesn’t.” They all said simultaneously. 

 

They all fell silent for a moment. The three boys stared at Sirius, and Sirius set his jaw and looked at another part of the room. Eventually, Peter and Remus noticed they were staring and looked away. Remus was about to clear his throat and say something that would take them far away from cold birthday gifts and questionable family life and into far safer territory, when James blurted out, “Well, we’re going to throw you a party. With cake and gifts and all that stuff.”

 

Sirius looked back at James. His friend’s face was grinning and determined. Sirius recognized it as that same determination he had seen the night before in hagrid’s hut, the determination to fix something. “Next year, you mean?” 

 

James shook his head. “No. This year.”

Sirius raised his eyebrow. “When?”

 

“It’ll be a surprise,” Remus added. 

 

Sirius fought back a smile and nodded at them. “Okay. Yeah. Sure.”

 

They spent the next hour playing gobstones, watching Remus beat them over and over again and refuse all of their compliments, insisting it was only luck. Madame Pomfrey had disappeared completely, and she didn’t come out of her office to shush them once, not even when Sirius tried to punch James on the arm and ended up knocking the entire board onto the floor with a great clatter. Eventually, they all got bored of being beaten, and Remus got tired of winning, and just tired in general, and he fell asleep. They stayed talking around his bed in hushed voices, but soon Sirius had stood up and was walking around the room, looking over all the potions and books strewn around it with careful focus. 

 

“Are you sure you should be doing that?” Peter whispered. Sirius looked over his shoulder and went back to running his fingers over the ingredients on the table at the front of the infirmary. “We promised her we wouldn’t cause trouble,” Peter finished.

 

James stood up and followed Sirius to back of the room.  Sirius was thumbing his way through vials and bundles of dried herbs, holding them up to the light and reading their names to himself while James flipped lazily through a book entitled  _ Herbal Solutions for Magical Maladies _ . Peter wandered over and watched James out of the corner of his eye. 

 

“What’s this?” The two of them looked at Sirius. He was holding up a bunch of grass covered in blooming purple flowers that opened and closed rhythmically and looked to be almost vibrating with light. James reached out to touch one, and the flower snapped shut on his finger, before opening again and releasing him. 

 

“Oh, I know what that is.” They both looked back at Peter who had his eyes fixed on the plant in Sirius’ hands. “Yeah, I used to go camping with my dad all the time, and whenever we went that stuff was always growing everywhere.”

 

“Camping?” Sirius asked. 

 

“Yeah. Y’know, with tents and stuff.”

 

Sirius frowned. “What are you talking about?”

 

“You’ve never been camping?” James asked. “Where you go and get tents and sleep in the woods?”

 

“I’m not homeless.”

 

James shook his head. “You don’t have to be- it’s just something people do for fun.”

 

“It doesn’t sound fun.”

 

“Well then, it’s settled. We’re going camping for your fake birthday.”

 

“Why are we going if he said it doesn’t sound fun?” Peter asked.

 

James waved his hand at Peter dismissively and said, “Because everyone needs to go camping. It’s like a rule.”

 

Sirius began to pick at the flowers on the bundle of weeds, watching them try to bite at his fingers. 

 

“Don-don’t do that,” Peter stammered. “That’s Mordrux weed. My dad always told me not to touch it ‘cause it can poison you.”

 

Sirius reluctantly put the plant down. 

 

“Mordrux?” James asked and began to flip through the book on the table. After a moment he stopped and pointed his finger at the page. “Here it is. Yeah, Peter’s right, it can bite you and make your whole hand turn purple. Says it’s rare, but very few animals can eat it, the ones that try are usually lured in by the flowers then bitten. Oh, and it’s in the family of fluxweed which is used to make Polyjuice Potion.”

 

Sirius stopped inching his hand closer to the plant and looked up at James. “Wait a minute, Polyjuice Potion? Why does that sound so familiar?”

 

“We were looking at it in the library last night after we went to Hagrid’s. When we were-” Peter leaned his head back to check that Remus was still sleeping and  that they were alone, then lowered his voice, “when we were looking for ways to sneak into Hogsmeade so we could find the person that Hagrid talked to about the  _ lapisvampire _ .”

 

James shook his head. “I still think we might be wrong believing the guy’s even in Hogsmeade.”

 

“It’s the only shot we’ve got,” Sirius said, “If we want to find the stone, we have to find the person who knows about it. Plus, Hagrid can’t just leave grounds whenever he wants, and my dad says that the Hogshead is where all the black market stuff goes down.”

 

Peter nodded. “Anyways, Polyjuice potion was in the book I was reading.”

 

James put down the book and looked at Peter.

 

“Do you remember what it said?”

 

Peter shook his head. “Not really. Takes a month to brew, so I skimmed past it.”

 

James looked at Peter carefully and nodded. Then, in a slow voice he said, “I think I remember.”

 

“You read the same book?”

 

“No. My dad told me about it. He says if you brew it right, as long as you have a part of the person you need to transform into, it can make you look like anyone you want.”

 

A smile crept onto Sirius’ face. “Even, say, a regular patron at the Hogs Head?”

 

James grinned back. “I think so.”


	19. Chapter 19-Polyjuice Potion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this perhaps, maybe, a tad, a little, half-assed on the writing and editing end of things. I wrote a whole bunch of chapters so I'd have stuff to post while I didn't have time to write new content, but I did it all in three days and lowkey burnt out. Which makes editing hard, and I hate editing. I learned my lesson. Thanks for sticking with me. I'll see you all next week with some quality content I PROMISE
> 
> (also um do you like it when I label chapters with more than just a number? and is this chapter confusing? if you leave me feedback, even if it's just "waffles" I'll buy you a rolls royce and give you my grandma's apple pie recipe that's been in the family for generations. thanks)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They lapsed into silence again, and Peter appeared behind them, holding with straining arms the giant book where he had found the potion. He flipped it open and began to reread the passage on Polyjuice, stopping every once and awhile to say things like “it’s supposed to be really kind of painful.” and “If you use non-human DNA you might get stuck that way.” After a few minutes of skimming, and Sirius tossing his finished books in the general direction of Peter, and Peter in turn complaining that they had almost hit him and shutting the books Sirius was reading on Sirius’ hands as revenge, and James whisper-yelling that they needed to be reading not messing about, after a few minutes of that, Sirius finally said, “I found it! Here it is!”

With Peter’s breath on Sirius’ neck and James’ careful step ahead of them, they made there way deeper into the restricted section of the library, hands outreached and groping at the dusty bookshelves. Peter’s hand grazed a sticking out bookend and sent it toppling to the floor. James hissed something over his shoulder, and they all stopped, waiting in silence, for Madame Pince to come out and begin to search for the source of the noise. 

 

They were getting good at this. Well, not that good, but hiding all three of them under the cloak wasn’t so hard anymore, and wandering through the dark, trying to be as quiet as possible, was starting to come second nature. James turned the corner of a bookshelf, drawing the three of them out of sight and deeper into the towering bookshelves. 

 

“Are we almost there?” Peter hissed. 

 

“Potions section should be up ahead,” James whispered back. 

 

They shuffled across the worn carpet, and a few paces later, James murmured  _ lumos _ and the path ahead of them lit up. They took a few more turns that twisted farther into the library, and now their feet were treading through dust, leaving marks behind them. James stopped. Above the next row of bookshelves hung a sign that read  _ Advanced Potionmaking _ . James pulled the cloak off, and they all emerged, sweating from the heat of being trapped under a heavy cloak for so long. Sirius ruffled his hair up and twisted it up, sticking his wand through it. 

 

“Here we are.” Peter whispered. 

 

“Do you remember what book you read about polyjuice potion in?” James asked.

 

Peter shook his head. “That book didn’t have the recipe. It only talked about side-effects.”

 

James looked around the library uneasily. “Find it anyways. Might be good to know.”

 

Peter nodded and disappeared into the stacks. Sirius and James turned towards the bookshelf, and by wandlight, began to search their way through piles of books. 

 

“There’s a potion that can make your bones disappear. It’s like the opposite of Skele-Gro.”

 

“They should call it  _ Skele-No _ .”

 

James laughed then shook his head. “I’m banning you from speaking.”

 

Sirius leaned over. “Save that potion, though.”

 

“Already did,” James replied, grinning back at his friend.

 

They lapsed into silence again, and Peter appeared behind them, holding with straining arms the giant book where he had found the potion. He flipped it open and began to reread the passage on Polyjuice, stopping every once and awhile to say things like “it’s supposed to be really kind of painful.” and “If you use non-human DNA you might get stuck that way.” After a few minutes of skimming, and Sirius tossing his finished books in the general direction of Peter, and Peter in turn complaining that they had almost hit him and shutting the books Sirius was reading on Sirius’ hands as revenge, and James whisper-yelling that they needed to be reading not messing about, after a few minutes of  _ that _ , Sirius finally said, “I found it! Here it is!”

 

James leaned back and rubbed his eyes. “Thank fuck. I was starting to think we needed a new plan.”

 

“I mean, we barely have a plan,” Peter commented. 

 

“We have a great plan,” Sirius added dismissively and began to read, “Okay, we need lacewing flies, leeches, fluxweed, knotgrass, powdered horn of a Bicorn, shredded skin of a Boomslang, and a piece of whoever we’re turning into.”

 

“But who's going to actually drink it?” James asked. 

 

They all made eye contact, and Peter put his finger on his nose. Sirius frowned. “What are you doing?”

 

“I’m playing noes goes.” The other two looked at him blankly. “Whoever touches their nose last loses.”

 

James paused, and then said, “I think it should be Peter.”

 

Peter dropped his finger, and his face fell. “Aw, what the fuck? I was the only one who touched my nose! Why am I going?”

 

Sirius shrugged. “Because you’re good at convincing people to believe you and stuff. I have a stupid pureblood accent, and James will immediately start laughing. You’re the perfect choice.”

 

James nodded. “It’s true. I can’t pretend to be a random old drunkard from the Three Broomsticks. Especially not for a whole conversation. Especially not while I’m trying to seem convincing enough to initiate a blackmail deal to save my werewolf friend. It’s just  not my strong suit.”

 

Sirius closed the book and nodded. “You’re the only choice.”

 

Peter smiled at this, and for a moment he sat up a little bit straighter and there was a glint of satisfaction in his eyes. He shrugged slightly and said, “Alright. I’ll do it. But you guys have to be behind me in the invisibility cloak so I don’t lose my nerve.”

 

Sirius nodded, and then turned to James and said, “Maybe we could even sneak some firewhiskey.”

 

James had never tasted firewhiskey, but his best friend had a mischievous glint in his eye, and so he grinned back and added, “Or manage to get some free butterbeers from under the cloak.”

 

With that thought in mind, they ripped the page out and tried to rearrange the books how they had been, before setting off, under the cloak again, the recipe clutched in James’ hand. They crept back the way they had come, with no light to guide them and increasing nerves as they inched closer to Madame Pince’s desk. She was still there. They crept past her and didn’t dare to breath as they did, just in case she looked up and a stray exhale gave them all away. She didn’t look up, and they made it out of the library. 

 

The castle was different at night. It’s windows slanted in only moonlight, and torches glowed on the walls warmly, but in between the flames, darkness pooled, and the boys found themselves taking larger and larger steps so that they could stand in the light a little bit longer. The cloak hung off their shoulders, but Peter kept his eyes behind them, ready to yank it back the minute he saw someone who might bust them for breaking curfew. It was only a little past ten p.m., but that was far enough. 

 

Finally, they turned a corner, and James pulled the cloak over them again. They crept forward towards the large oak door that stood in the corner. James stopped. He pressed his face against the window. The potions classroom was dark and empty, all of the papers on Slughorn’s desk had been cleared off, and the only sign of movement was the pictures smiling and posing on the walls. 

 

Sirius leaned forward and whispered,  _ “Alohomora. _ ” and the door unlocked with a click. They turned the handle open, the sound echoing into the empty hall, and slipped inside, not daring to take the invisibility cloak off until they had crept their way to the front of the room and away from the small window looking into the hall. Finally, they reached the closet tucked into the corner of the room. 

 

“Is this it?” Sirius whispered.

 

“Yeah,” Peter muttered. 

 

“The real question is,” James said, jiggling the doorknob, “how do we get in?”

 

They all stared at the closet. Sirius tried  _ alohomora _ again, but the door stayed stuck. James turned around.

 

“Does anyone know any other un-locking spells?” They all shook their heads. James rested his head against the door. “Then, how are we supposed to get in?”

 

“We could wait and do it during the day?” Peter suggested.

 

Sirius shook his head. “He’s always in his office during the day. Even with the cloak, I’m pretty sure he’d notice some invisible hands stealing his potions ingredients.”

 

“Wait a minute,” James said. The two other boys turned to him. He was looking up at the small window just above the door. “What about through there?” He grinned back at his friends then raised his wand and whispered, “ _ alohomora _ .” The window popped open and let out a cough of dust that sifted down onto their heads. 

 

Peter stepped back and shook his head. “I’m not fitting through there.”

 

James and Peter turned to stare at Sirius. 

 

“What?” Sirius asked,.

 

Sirius,” James said, “You’re the smallest.”

 

I’m like 5 centimeters shorter than you!”

 

James put his finger on his nose. With a sigh and a kick to James’ shin, Sirius stepped toward the door. He jumped up, hanging from the windowsill by his fingers, and said in a muffled voice “Help me up.” James and Peter grabbed his feet and hoisted him closer to the window. The window was small, and Sirius’ torso scraped the edges of it, but his friends pushed him farther and farther until they were barely holding onto his toes and Sirius was hanging, halfway in and halfway out. “How do I land?” He called back to them. 

 

James paused, trying desperately to think of a way that Sirius going headfirst into the stone floor could end well, when the doorknob at the end of the classroom jiggled. Slughorn’s shadow was in the window. The doorknob moved again, unlocking itself. In the same moment, Peter pushed Sirius through the window, sending him toppling into the closet with the sound of a sandbag hitting the floor, right as James yanked the cloak over the two of them. Sirius whispered something that sounded like  _ ow! bloody fuck- _ and James managed the word  _ slughorn! _ Before the door swung open. 

 

The potions master waddled into the room, humming to himself and twirling his wand in his fingers. He stopped to straighten out a desk that had been knocked to the side and frowned slightly, before moving to the front of the room. James and Peter pushed themselves back against the door. Neither of them breathed. Inside the potions closet, Sirius crouched in the dark, holding his arm, listening to the sounds of the Professor’s feet treading outside. Slughorn passed by the two boys under the cloak, and the breeze from his step ruffled up the edge of it, revealing Peter’s left shoe. Peter didn’t move. He didn’t dare drag his foot back under the cloak. Slughorn was a foot away, shuffling through papers on his desk and muttering to himself, and the drag of a shoe on wood or even the flutter of a piece of fabric would surely be enough to send him headed towards the potions closet. After a few seconds that dragged for hours, Slughorn smiled and picked up a ledger he had left in the corner of his study.

 

As he headed back to the door, James let out a breath of relief. The professor turned around. He stared blankly right into James’ eyes, and for a moment, it seemed as if he would shake his head and walk out with his ledger, but then his eyes dragged upward and to the side of them, where the door sat. The window above the potion’s closet was ajar. He frowned and walked forward. James and Peter were less than an arm’s length from him now, and they could hear his heavy breath as he turned the door handle to the closet, muttering to himself about  _ damn peeves _ and something unintelligible. The doorknob stuck on the lock, and Slughorn drew out his wand. He muttered a long string of enchantments under his breath, and the door swung open. 

 

James’ lungs were burning with lack of air and his heart was hammering against his chest, and Peter had shut his eyes as tightly as possible and was gripping James’ arm with a fierce amount of force. James leaned over, and looked inside the potions closet, past Slughorn’s large body. It was empty. On the floor lay a balled up piece of paper. Slughorn shook his head and turned around, relocking the door and walking towards the end of the room. 

 

When the door to the classroom shut once more, James let out a gasp of relief, and Peter slumped against the wall. They stood in silence, panting and laughing slightly for two minutes or so, until James called through the door, “Sirius? Where are you?”

 

Sirius’ voice repeated Slughorn’s enchantments, the door swung open, and Sirius stepped out. He was grinning, holding the balled piece of paper, and his arms were laden with potions ingredients. “I got them all,” he said. 

 

Peter leaned back against the door and laughed. “I thought we were caught for sure, Christ.”

 

Sirius handed some of the ingredients to James. “Nah. I heard him coming towards the closet, so I crouched in the corner in between two shelves. I don’t know how he missed me.”

 

James shook his head and clapped his friend on the shoulder. 

 

“Whatever, mate. All I know is we got to get out of here.”

 

They pulled the cloak back over themselves, and set off, slower this time and trying desperately not to drop the vials Sirius had pulled from the pantry. The hallways seemed to echo louder with their footsteps, and every few seconds James would whisper back “Do you see anything?” After a few minutes, and after they had trudged their way, undisturbed, closer to the Gryffindor common room, their breathing slowed, and they fell into comfortable silence. When they had managed to make it up to the floor of the tower and avoided their third moving staircase, Peter asked, “Are we sure this is everything?” 

 

Sirius nodded. “Everything on the list.”

 

“Even the boomslang skin?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“D’you think he’ll miss it?” James asked. 

 

Sirius shrugged. “Probably. But what’s he going to do? How would he even know it was us?”

 

James stopped and turned around. They were at the Fat Lady’s portrait, and James had pulled off the cloak and stuffed it in his bag. He beckoned to the other two to hand him the ingredients to put away, and as he stuffed the bottles in his bag he said, “I can’t believe we got away with it! Think about it, we’re only first years and we managed to outsmart-”

 

“Got away with what?”

 

Behind them stood Remus, holding his bandaged up arm and raising his eyebrows at them. 

 

“Remus!” James exclaimed, smiling a little too widely to look normal. “What- why are you here?”

 

Remus held up a slip of paper with Pomfrey’s signature on it. “Pomfrey said I could sleep in the dorm tonight. I’m headed there now.”

 

“Us too,” Sirius said quickly. “Headed to the dorm, I mean.”

 

Remus looked between the three of them, his eyes slightly narrowed. “Where were you?”

 

James opened his mouth and then closed it again, and before he could say anything, Peter cut in and said, “The Owlery. We needed to get something and my owl’s sick, so he couldn’t bring it all the way to our dorm.”   
  


Remus nodded. “So what exactly did you get away with?”

 

“What?” Peter asked. 

 

Remus’ brow furrowed. “You said ‘you couldn’t believe you got away with it,” and I said ‘got away with what?’ and then you said ‘what?’ “

 

James cleared his throat. “I don’t remember that.”

 

Remus frowned. “What do you mean-”

 

“I’m really tired,” added Peter.

 

Remus looked at Peter incredulously.  Sirius nodded. “Yeah, me too.”

 

Remus stared at them for a moment more, as if he was going to ask more questions or demand to see what James had stuffed in his bag, but then shook his head and looked down at the floor. “Okay. Whatever. Let's just go to bed."


	20. The Rooftop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James rolled his eyes. “Yeah. No shit. But what if it’s in like Tanzania or something?”
> 
> Peter looked up. “Hagrid said they’re found at the bottom of really deep water, right? So maybe it’s in the ocean?”
> 
> James shook his head. “How do we get it out of the ocean?”
> 
> “Look,” Sirius’ face was impatient, and he took his eyes off of the cauldron, fixing them on his friends. “Do you lot want to do this or not?” He let out a huff of breath. “Because I don’t know how we’re going to find it, alright? And it might be a stupid plan, and maybe Hagrid is full of it and no one in Hogshead knows where it is, but this school is boring and.. It beats doing nothing. It beats just sitting around and watching.”
> 
> Peter looked down his hands, examining his fingers, now frozen and white. James said quietly, “I know, mate. It beats doing nothing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you are still reading this. I love you and I'm sorry. I am a trickster, a fool, a liar, and I will make no further promises about when I will update. It may be tommorow, it may be three weeks from now, but that's just part of the fun, right?
> 
> seriously, sorry it's been so long. I have more chapters prewritten, I just have trouble editing them. I hope someone enjoys this/remembers what's happening. if you do, please leave me a comment <3d

A chocolate frog landed in Remus’ cauldron.

“Psst, Remus.”

Remus didn’t turn around. He would’ve, if not for the chocolate frog. He fished it out of his potion while Slughorn wasn’t looking and tossed it over his shoulder, hoping it hit one of his roommates. 

“Ow!” James whispered. Remus smiled. 

“Remus,” Sirius’ voice was behind him now, and Remus sighed, turning around to look at his friend. He was leaned over the desk and grinning at Remus. Behind him sat a stack of chocolate frogs.

“Were you going to throw those all at me?”

James shook his head and leaned into the conversation. “Of course not, Moony, just until you turned around. Lucky for you, you did on the first go.”

“Don’t call me Moony in public,” He hissed. 

James rolled his eyes. “I know. Your Furry Little Problem and all-”

“My what?”

“-But no one can hear us.” James gestured around the class. Potions was almost over, and most students had begun subtly putting their belongings back into their bags as they waited for the last few students to finish brewing. Across the room, Slughorn was enraptured in trying to make a someone’s potion stop bubbling over. 

“Plus,” Sirius added, “I personally think that the chocolate frog brings something special to your potion. A personal touch, If you will.”

“Can I see one?” Remus asked.

Sirius shrugged and handed him a chocolate frog. Remus unwrapped it slowly, peeling off the glinting tinfoil that danced with little symbols, before chucking it at his friend’s heads. They both dove under the desk, laughing. James emerged again with his hands in the air. 

“Okay. Okay. We’ll stop throwing things in your potions.”

“That’s the third time this week, you prat. Slughorn thinks that I just add quills and other people’s ties for fun.”

Sirius shook his head. “You’re not the only one making sacrifices. I lost my tie.”

“That was Peter’s fault,” James added. 

Remus grinned. “Right. Peter who sits all the way across the room from us? Because, as I recall, you blamed him for the paper airplane you threw at Slughorn while he was teaching?”

Sirius waved at Peter who was bent over a cauldron in the opposite corner of the room. Peter looked up at the three of them, and James waved and mouthed  _ we miss you _ then drew a large heart in the air with his fingers. Peter fought back a smile and stuck his middle finger up. 

“Mr. Pettigrew!” Slughorn’s voice boomed.

All three of them quickly turned back to their desks. After a moment, James whispered across the row at Remus’ turned back, “We need you to do us a favor.”

“Of course you do.”

“You know how we’re going camping for Sirius’ Big Secret Birthday Party?”

“He’s right next to you. It’s not a secret.”

“I’m not listening,” Sirius chimed in.

“Anyways,” James continued. “We need camping supplies. My parents told me they won’t send me anything from home because my ‘requests are suspicious’ or something like that, so can you write your parents to send some stuff? Maybe after class? We kind of want it sooner rather than later.”

Remus turned around and frowned. “I’m not sure how much we have, but sure. I can ask Lily too. She may have some to spare.”

James’ face lit up. Remus shook his head. “Don’t even.”

“I didn’t say anything!” James protested. 

 

***

 

It turned out that getting a cauldron onto the roof of Hogwarts was much more difficult than anticipated. 

“I can’t hold it I can’t hold it I can’t-” James staggered around the awning beneath the dormitory windows, his fingers barely gripping the edge of the cauldron and his feet walking dangerously close to the edge.

Sirius leaned halfway off the roof of Hogwarts and grabbed the cauldron that James was holding up to him with shaking arms. James fell forward against the brick of the building. The ledge he was standing on was about three feet thick, and although the stone hadn’t begun to crumble yet, he began to wonder if it was really meant to hold a couple of students tramping around on top of it. James grabbed onto the top of the dormitory window that he had crawled out of, and hoisted himself up closer to the roof where Sirius stood, his feet scrabbling to find hold on the stone wall. Eventually James anchored his feet on the top of the dorm window and threw his arms over the edge of the roof above it. Sirius started to drag him onto the roof, and Peter stepped away from where James was flailing, inching closer to the entrance back into the dorms.

“There's got to be a better way to do this!” Peter yelled. 

The window next to their dorm opened. A boy with curly hair hung his head out the window and yelled, “you're not supposed to be on the roof!”

Peter opened his mouth in explanation, but before he could say anything, Sirius yelled back, “Shove off Gavin!”

The boy scowled and slammed the window shut, shaking the ground beneath Peter’s feet. 

After a few more moments of struggling, Sirius managed to haul James up onto the roof, only knock over the cauldron once, and then lean his head back down and beckoned Peter up. Peter shook his head. “I don't know how the hell you think I'm getting up there.”

James peered his face over the edge. “Come on mate!  it’s not nearly as hard as it looks.”

“Why can’t we do it down here? On the awning?” Peter gestured to the roof beneath his feet. 

 

“Because,” Sirius said, “Remus goes out there sometimes, and even though we sent him off to chase Evans down for camping stuff, he’ll be back, and then he’ll notice. Also people like  _ Gavin _ will stick their heads out and get in our business.”

Peter sighed and stepped closer to where the awning met the wall of the castle. James reached his arms down from the roof and beckoned again, and Peter jumped up, grabbing them while Sirius pulled the back of James’ shirt, and collectively, they managed to drag Peter up to the rooftop. Unfortunately, Peter also managed to kick his foot through the pane of their window. 

It was freezing cold on top of the school. Grounds reached out around them for miles, full of snaking rivers, bare trees, and the endless black of the lake. Wind buffeted them from all sides, and James and Sirius bent down so close to the shingles that their noses almost touched them while Peter tried to wrangle the hood of his sweatshirt over himself, all of them hoping to protect themselves from the biting wind and occasional snowflake. It had been a month since they had stolen the potions ingredients from Slughorn’s cupboard. Most of that time had been spent trying to find places to hide a cauldron of Polyjuice Potion, and once they did, trying to keep up with Binns onslaught of essays while waiting for the weather to get warmer so their potion wouldn’t be buried everynight in mountains of snow. Still, it was freezing.

“Maybe doing this in March was a bad plan,” Sirius shouted. 

James took his hands out of his pockets and began to mutter heating charms under the cauldron. After the cauldron began to glow and send off waves of warmth, he shook his head and yelled back over the wind, “When else would we do it? We need to have time to brew polyjuice and get down to Hogs-”

A bundle of lacewing flies went cartwheeling across the roof, and Sirius dove after them, catching the bundle right before it went over the edge. He shuffled back to the cauldron, the flies clutched in his hand, and James looked at him with wide eyes before continuing, “We need to have time to brew it, get down to Hogsmeade, steal the hair for the potion, and then actually use it.”

“How are we getting to Hogsmeade?” Peter asked. 

James shrugged. “I dunno. We have the cloak, don’t we?”

“You can’t just walk out of Hogwarts,” Sirius said, “They have all sorts of enchantments on the gates.”

“What about flying?” Peter asked. “James is a pretty good flyer.”

James grinned. “More than pretty good, if I do say so myself, but I’m sure they don’t let you fly past the boundaries either.”

Peter shook his head and tossed the lacewing flies into the empty cauldron, beginning to stir. “So why are we going to all this trouble if we might not even be able to use the potion?”

“For Remus,” Sirius said. Peter looked up at him, but Sirius said nothing more, just stared at the potion that was now beginning to froth and turn the color of an opal. 

“We’ll find a way,” James added. “Trust me.” Peter looked at James too, and James gave him a wide and confident smile. “Everything will work out fine. We just have to use this disguise someone as one of the tavern folk, find the person Hagrid talked to, and ask him where we can find the  _ lapisvampire _ . We’ll look the part, and I’m sure after a few fire whiskeys, whoever knows will be willing to tell us.”

“What if we can’t find this person?” Peter asked. 

Sirius shook his head. “Someone there will know. Hogs Head full of black-market types around wintertime. My dad used to always-” Sirius trailed off. He looked up from the potion at his friend’s expectant faces and shook his head. “Never mind. Point is, it shouldn’t be too hard to find out something from the people down there.”

James leaned back on his elbows and watched Peter stir. The wind had quieted down, and now the only thing in the air was quiet snowflakes, drifting down and speckling their hair and noses. “The real question is,” James mused, “what do we do when we find out where it is?”

“We get the stone,” Sirius answered. 

James rolled his eyes. “Yeah. No shit. But what if it’s in like Tanzania or something?”

Peter looked up. “Hagrid said they’re found at the bottom of really deep water, right? So maybe it’s in the ocean?”

James shook his head. “How do we get it out of the  _ ocean? _ ”

“Look,” Sirius’ face was impatient, and he took his eyes off of the cauldron, fixing them on his friends. “Do you lot want to do this or not?” He let out a huff of breath. “Because I don’t know how we’re going to find it, alright? And it might be a stupid plan, and maybe Hagrid is full of it and no one in Hogshead knows where it is, but this school is boring and.. It beats doing nothing. It beats just sitting around and watching.”

Peter looked down his hands, examining his fingers, now frozen and white. James said quietly, “I know, mate. It beats doing nothing.”

For a while, no one said anything. The wind was a low whistle now, and they sat on the roof, watching the cauldron swirl and the hourglass that was timing Peter’s stirring run out, curled up into themselves and brushing snow from their faces. There was something behind all of their questions about whether this would or would not work, something they had all noticed, but Sirius especially. The real question wasn’t how to get to Hogsmeade or how to harvest an odd sea creature from wherever it may live. The real question was  _ what if we find it and it doesn’t work?  _ And deep deep down, in a place no one on that rooftop would admit existed, where fears and doubts lay, the ones that had been shoved down that night in the library when James had told them emphatically that  _ This doesn’t change anything. He is still our friend.  _ In the place beyond the shapes that Sirius was trying so very hard to push from his mind, lived the question:  _ what if this is really who Remus is? A werewolf, one that can’t be changed or fixed?  _ The question for Peter and James was a trail in their peripheral vision, ghosting in and out of the main picture, only making itself known through layered questions and that tug in their stomach on full moon nights. For Sirius, it felt like a shadow. He could see it. He knew it was there, following him, and god, did he hate it. 

 

Finally, the hourglass trickled out of sand and began to buzz beside them. Peter stopped stirring. The potion had turned an almost velvet color, and when James leaned his head over the top of it, he could see little whirlpools on the top, sucking down, down, down. He took his head out of the cauldron and grinned at his friends. 

 

“Alright, lads.” He waved a covering charm over the cauldron and nodded to them. “We’re done.”

“When do we have to add more stuff?” Peter asked. 

“21 days. They have to stew here for almost a month, but we should probably check up on them to make sure nothing goes wrong.”

Sirius pushed himself to the edge of the rooftop, dangling his legs over, then paused and said, “Merlin, I wish potions class was like this. Just throw some stuff in a cauldron and then don’t come back for a month. Sounds like a dream.”

The other two laughed slightly, and began to make their way back down to the awning. Sirius looked behind him at the cauldron and the steam slowly curling itself into the sky. He lingered for a moment, then followed his friends. 

 

***

 

Remus searched the crowd of students flooding out of the classroom for Lily. He walked forward aimlessly, letting other students bump into him and move him about until he saw a streak of red heading away from the dungeons. 

“Lily!” 

She turned around and grinned at him. He waved and began to make his way towards her. 

“Hey, Remus,” she said when he reached her side. 

“Can I walk with you?” 

She shrugged. “Sure. I’m just returning a book to the library.”

“I’ll take you there.”

They made their way out of the twisting hallways of the dungeons and up onto the floors above, where light spilled through the windows and students lay in the hallways lazily during free period. Lily walked quickly, and even though Remus was much taller than her, he struggled to keep up with her pace. They talked about potions class that day and the letter Lily’s sister had sent her, and by the time they had reached the library, Remus had spoken more openly and freely than he had in a very long time, at least with someone other than his roommates. Lily handed the book to Madam Pince and gave her a big smile. Madam Pince grimaced slightly. 

They turned away from the library, and Remus cast a look over his shoulder at the librarian, reminding himself never to get on her bad side. As they stepped back out into the hallway, Lily looked down at the envelope in his hand.

“So what’s in the letter?” 

“It’s to my parents. I’m asking them to send me all the camping supplies in our house.”

Lily laughed. “What?”

“It’s kind of a long story. James, Peter, Sirius, and I were talking about birthdays and stuff because mine is coming up soon-”

“Wait a minute, when’s your birthday?”

 

“March 11th.”

Lily nodded and looked up at the ceiling, muttering  _ march eleventh _ to herself before looking back at Remus.“Okay. I’ll have to remember that.”

Remus smiled. “Yeah, anyways, Sirius mentioned that his birthday already happened and James of course thought it was an injustice that we hadn’t celebrated it-” Lily bristled at the mention of his friend’s names. Remus cast a  glance at her and continued on, “And so he vowed that we would celebrate it in some big way.”

“Is camping the traditional way to celebrate someone’s eleventh birthday?”

“I don’t think James holds much esteem in tradition. I don’t remember them deciding that camping was part of the plan, but apparently Sirius has never been camping, so now we obviously have to do it.”

He gave her a wry smile. Lily hummed. “I’ve never been camping either.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She paused, tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, then shook her head. “Petunia isn’t much into the outdoors, and my mum doesn’t want to organize all that.”

“Your dad?”

She smiled ruefully and said, “Oh, him. He died when I was five.”

Remus’ step faltered. He opened his mouth and closed it again, unsure of what to say to that. Finally he settled on, “Sorry, Lily.” She looked up at him and gave him a small smile. 

They walked in silence for a moment. Then, she bumped her shoulder into his softly and said, “You’ve never lost someone, have you?”

He shook his head. “No. How did you know?”

She smiled. “You didn’t know what to say.”

“What should I have said?”

“I don’t know. I guess that’s the point. There’s not a lot to say.”

They lapsed into comfortable silence again. After a moment, Remus said, “I’ve never had anyone to lose, really. At least not before now. No one besides my parents.”

Lily paused then said, “But that’s its own kind of loss, isn’t it?”

Remus laughed slightly and looked at her, surprised. “Yeah, I guess it is.  ”

She looped her arm through his and said, “But you have people now.”

“But I have people now.” He repeated. As he said the words, they sent a thrill through him, like he was driving far, far, too fast, or doing any dangerous thing that made you not care in the slightest that you were putting yourself on the line. He let Lily lead him down the hallway and didn’t think about the fact that first years rarely walked arm in arm and that maybe people would find them odd, or even worse, think they were dating. He was already very odd, and the warmth of a person next to him felt nice. It felt normal, in his odd way, he supposed. Their conversation bounded away from Lily’s dad and the brief moment of genuine, rare, clarity they had shared in the hallway and wound its way to what Remus wanted for his birthday, ending on what he had chased Lily down for in the first place.

 

“Anyways, we don’t have any camping supplies, really, and I’m writing my parents to send some, but do you have anything I can use? I know writing your mum to send stuff is probably useless ‘cause you’ve never been, but do you have extra blankets or something I can borrow? ”

Lily grinned. “And what do I get out of this?”

Remus paused for a moment and thought.“I’ll take you camping.”

“Last time I went somewhere with you, we crashed your dad’s car into a tree on Christmas Eve, remember?”

“Okay, first of all, I don’t do that alot. Second of all, by camping I mean we can sleep in my backyard because mum doesn’t let me go into the woods alone.”

Lily stopped in the hallway and stuck out her hand. “Shake on it. You and I will go camping.  _ Real _ camping, with marshmallows and all.” Remus shook. She nodded satisfied with this, and they headed further toward the owlery. “I’ll write them and ask. But where are you guys planning on sleeping? The common room? Because that’s not very authentic.”

Remus shrugged. “I have no idea. Knowing James,” Lily scowled again. “He’ll want to go all the way and go to the Forbidden Forest.”

“The Forbidden Forest? Remus, it’s forbidden for a reason.” He nodded and shrugged, but Lily wasn’t satisfied. She grabbed his arm and shook her head. “You can’t go camping there. You’ll get in trouble or lost or I don’t know… eaten.”

Remus laughed. “Okay we’ll find somewhere else.”

“Promise?”

Remus smiled and shook his head. “We won’t, okay?” She didn’t take her hand off of  his arm. Instead, she drew her eyebrows together and traced his face like she was hoping to transmit her concern to him with just a look. She almost managed to do it, and Remus added, “I promise.”

“It’s just that I’ve heard it’s really dangerous in there.”

She looked so concerned he almost wanted to thank her. Instead he said, “Don’t worry, Lils. I know.”

She nodded. Then, she leaned in and said almost conspiratorially, “Sev says there’s werewolves in the woods.”

Remus took in a breath.  He nodded slightly and muttered “Are there?” They walked up the steps while she went on about what Severus had told her was lurking in the woods and what he had told her about werewolves and spirits that lived in the trees, but Remus was no longer listening. They reached the top of the owlery, and the cold air hit Remus like a wall. He walked numbly closer to the corner where his owl was. While Lily talked, he wound the letter around his owl’s leg and looked out at the frozen grounds and thought   _ she wants to protect me from the werewolves _ .

It almost made him laugh. It was a sort of hilariously ironic thought, to look out at the grounds and the vast expanse of forest with its  skeletal black trees and realize that although he was a scrawny eleven year old wearing a jumper his mum knitted for him, he would probably be the most dangerous thing in there. 

Lily stepped away and readjusted her bag on her shoulder. She gave him a lopsided, affectionate, smile that Remus knew meant she had noticed he was no longer listening and saw it as her queue to leave. She had gotten very good at leaving him to his quiet places and not taking it too personally. 

“Well, I’m going to head out. Promise me that they won’t convince you to do anything stupid. Especially not go camping in those woods, yeah?”

Remus nodded. “Of course not. Wouldn’t want to run across a werewolf.”

She smiled at him and turned away from the owlery, wrapping her scarf tighter around herself. Over her shoulder she called “I’ll write my mum!” He waved and watched her descend for a moment, then turned back to the view of the forest and the wind whistling through the trees. 

On the horizon the brown dot of his owl got smaller and smaller until it disappeared into the landscape entirely. Remus slowly straightened up from where he had been leaning against a stone pillar, his bones achy and cold, and turned back toward home.


End file.
